Wednesday, April 28, 2010

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.
We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

LDS Young Women Think Pink!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Young Women
From: Sister Renee Newsome, Ward Young Women's President
Subject: Put on your PINK thinking caps, girls!

Here are some suggestions for the Values experiences you need to fulfill your LDS Young Women's Personal Progress. Pick one that best suits your own choice, sweet, and individual spirit. 

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Ask an old lady in the ward to tell you how her decades of obedience to the Brethren, along with her expert baking skills, have ensured her a spot in the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom. Bake a batch of cupcakes with PINK icing.

Divine Nature
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses.

Individual Worth
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Prepare to receive your Patriarchal Blessing. Learn who can give Patriarchal Blessings. Write an essay entitled Why I Can't Give a Patriarchal Blessing. Be sure and use PINK paper and PINK ink.

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. List some skills that will help you in your future career. Ask a little old lady in the ward to describe what the industry was like before the invention of the home food processor. Then make some really cute animal shaped sugar cookies with PINK frosting.

Choice and Accountability
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Vow to avoid bad choices based on worldly logic and selfish personal preferences. Commit yourself to the One and Only True Church in spite of the consequences. Compose a poem entitled, Fun and Important Things my Non-Member Friends Get to Do but I Don't. Then print it in calligraphy on PINK paper using PINK ink.

Good Works
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Learn about the neediest in society by talking to your dad, bishop, or even by reading a newspaper. Develop skills to help the needy, such as sock darning, mending, candy making and cross stitch. Crochet a dozen blankets and send them to Darfur. Be sure to use PINK yarn.

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Commit to standing for righteousness before your less-active and non-member friends. Cover your school text books with PINK paper, do your class work in PINK pen and pencil, and wear only PINK to school for a month. (Don't use PINK pencil to fill in the bubbles on computer scored tests. It doesn't work.)

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Embroider Marriage Between a Man and a Woman is Ordained of God onto a PINK pillowcase. Then study what the prophet Brigham Young taught about traditional marriage. Check out the CleanFlicks version of Steel Magnolias and freeze frame the wedding scene until you can tell the difference between BLUSH and BASHFUL.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here and press the play button.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Write Your Own LDS General Conference Talk

To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit

Dear Donna,

Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.

Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:

Generic General Conference Talk 
by Mark and Byron

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:
a. obedience.
b. sweet little old ladies.
c. your filthy minds.

I know that many of you struggle with your commitment to the Gospel because of:
a. these trying economic times.
b. your addiction to porn.
c. your warped desire to have "fun."

For those who harbor such selfishness, I invite you to consider the least fortunate among us. Last month I visited a tiny LDS branch in:
a. Calcutta.
b. Mozambique.
c. Queens.

After church, the branch president invited me into his hut, where his wife offered me:
a. her last few drops of Hawaiian Punch.
b. a box of lime Jell-O.
c. the remainder of the strained carrots she was feeding her infant. 

I asked the young president if he was in need of any church welfare. He immediately waved me off, and said that he and his flock preferred that the church devote its resources to:
a. eliminating the Internet.
b. defining the word, "marriage."
c. developing a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
a. Uncle Hyrum who died defending traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Post-Mormon "Conference" at the San Francisco Ferry Building -- Visitors Welcome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Psst! Abbottsville Fourth Ward, are you bored with General Conference yet?

Think how you'll feel this time tomorrow. Turn off your TV sets and come to the Post-Mormon "conference" instead.

You know you want to.

There will be a resurrection reenactment as promised, and we need more women to play Joseph Smith's wives.