Monday, June 28, 2010

Three Nephites Sighted in Lafayette, California

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, ward spiritual giant
Subject: Saturday night's visit to the Celestial Room

Last Saturday on my way to the temple, my car broke down on the seedy side of Lafayette. The nearest establishment happened to be a saloon called "The Roundup." Hardly holy ground. However, after a quick prayer, the spirit bade me to enter.

I was met by two personages. My spiritual eyes quickly discerned that they were two of The Three Nephites.
"Brothers Nephite!" I exclaimed. "Are you here to help me get to the temple?"

"We are," Nephite #1 replied. "But first you must drink from this glass, in order to quench your thirst and increase your spiritual knowledge."

As I drank deeply from the cup, I felt a tingling warmth consume my being. Nephite #1 gazed down at me, his eyes bore into my soul.

"Show me the First Sign of the Melchizedek Priesthood," he said.

I obeyed.

"Now show me the token."

I again obeyed.

"Now take this pencil."

He released me from his gaze.

"Come with us to the next session," said Nephite #3.

I followed them to a portal at the back of the saloon. In an instant we were swept up in a swirling gust, jolted through space and time, then dropped down to a lively dinner party. I looked around at my fellow guests. Their joyful demeanor, advanced knowledge of Mormon doctrine and history, as well as their casual attitude toward the General Authorities confirmed what I had already suspected. I had passed through the veil to the other side, and was now in the presence of celestial beings.

In the moments that followed I learned more than I had in over a thousand hours of church meetings. For example:

Grapefruit infused vodka has a number of medicinal qualities.

Boyd K. Packer deserves a Facebook campaign backing him to host SNL.

The paper back version of The Miracle of Forgiveness is remarkably aerodynamic, and the hardback makes a great hockey puck.

Brethren who are excommunicated may return their priesthood keys by dropping them in any nearby mailbox.

The Three Nephites regularly hang out at The Roundup Saloon.

Temple garments are more effectively disposed of if they are doused with copious amounts of Bombay gin before igniting.  

People with small hands have big testimonies.*

*I have this on the good authority of the lesser known and grossly underrated "Mini-Nephite."

--And all of this was revealed before our starters had arrived. Then Nephite #2 showed up and the party really kicked into gear.

(Nephite #2 was late due to an emergency at a ward fashion show.)

We testified, prophesied, and toasted the Lord's anointed over a meal fit for priests and priestesses. Then when the session concluded, I was whisked home in a winged chariot disguised as a vintage 1960 Chrysler. 

I've no memory of the trip home, I can't find my doggie bag of leftovers, likewise my signature stein from The Roundup Saloon, and I have somehow lost my garments. Nothing remains of my heavenly visit. Except for the pencil.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails click here.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Another LDS Father's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Father's Day

Dear Brethren,

Because it is your day today, I invite you to watch this:

You're welcome. Now go do your home teaching.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Mormons Keep A Low Profile At San Francisco Giants Game

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Missed you guys at the Giants game!

Our group of die-hard ex-Mormons went to LDS Family Night at AT&T Park last Tuesday for two reasons: to drink beer and watch the Mormons. Hello? Where were you? 

Here's how the invitation read:
The BYU Alumni invites you and your family to enjoy a night out at the

LDS Night at the San Francisco Giants
Tuesday, June 15th

5:30 Pre-game entertainment at SF Giants County Fair
6:45 Pre-game family history presentation in ballpark before first pitch
7:15 Game vs. Baltimore Orioles

LDS entertainers, including Showbiz ( and Brooke White, American Idol Top 5 finalist, will perform at pre-game festivities on the site of the SF Giants County Fair located just outside the ballpark by McCovey Cove. Brooke will also sing during the 7th inning stretch.

A Church Area Authority will present Mike "Kruk" Krukow, with his personal family tree, during a pre-game ceremony before the 1st pitch of the game.

"LDS Night" tickets are available at the following prices:
$30 Lower Box 
$20 Lower Box Corner 
$13 Bleachers -or- View Reserved, Infield
To order tickets, call the SF Giants sales department. Mention "LDS Night" to receive the discount pricing listed above.

Special rates are available for group ticket orders of greater than 25 and 100. To order, contact xxx xxxx at 415 - ### - ####.

Even though Mark and I were there by 6:30 strolling around the park, we completely missed the presentation to Kruk by a Church Area Authority. Either it happened during the two minutes it took us to buy a couple of Bud Lights, or it was so low key nobody noticed, or it was solemnized in the Oakland Temple.

When we found our fellow ex-Mormons, the conversation went something like this:

"Where are all the Mormons?"

"Damned if I know."

"How 'bout that guy with the male pattern baldness?"

"His beverage looks suspect."

"Maybe that big family?"

"Don't think so, the mom's ears are double-pierced."

After some effort we finally spotted a bleacher section filled with big families, conservative haircuts, non-alcoholic beverages, and a few BYU t-shirts. We concluded they were the Mormons.

Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at San Francisco Giants Game

Sometime around the third inning LDS Family Night at the San Francisco Giants flashed on the screen. We held our breath in anticipation of the inevitable cheer from the proud members of the one and only true church. It never happened. Then later when Mormon American Idol finalist, Brooke White, sang an a cappella version of "Take Me Out to the Ballpark," she failed to arouse the crowd. The little bouncing ball on the lyrics would have done more. We finally had to give up and watch the game -- a downer because the Giants lost.  

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, can you explain this uncharacteristic humility on the part of the Mormons? Has the LDS Church undergone a huge policy shift? Perhaps the San Francisco Stake's Church Public Affairs Committee has yet to be fully staffed? Or could it be that the Mormon Church has insulted the citizens of San Francisco to such a degree that its members are embarrassed to be recognized? Hmmm . . . Oh yeah, I remember. You were being persecuted.


Monday, June 14, 2010

Stake Single Adults Leader Is Mad As Hell And He's Not Going To Take It Anymore

To: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
    cc: Members of the Abbottsville Stake
From: Ricky Foote
Subject: LDS Single Adults

Dear President Knightly,

Let me begin by saying how humbled and proud Mindy and I are to have been called as Stake Single Adults Leaders. We are ever mindful of the stewardship you hold as a stake president in Zion, and realize the call you extended to us was divinely inspired. You might say, President, that "we stand all amazed" at your intimate relationship with our Savior.

With that in mind, I am greatly saddened to report on my failure with our Stake Single Adults. After you successfully upbraided them for their behavior surrounding the Swinging Seventies Party, I foolishly believed that the Single Adults had matured. So Mindy and I knocked ourselves out planning a fun-filled month of activities, custom-made to their unique situations.

The first sign of rebellion came at last Saturday's Mix and Mingle/Marshmallow Shooting Contest. Rather than use the PVC pipe to make individual blow guns, the measly few who attended pooled their materials to construct a multi-shot weapon that they hooked up to a leaf-blower, then aimed at me.

Last Wednesday I waited for them for a full hour in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building, LDS Single Adults! sign in one hand, happy face balloons and jumbo pack of Oreos in the other. I drew nothing other than strange looks from non-members. Finally concluding that they weren't coming, I went to my car to find "$#%* YOU!" spelled out in unscrewed Oreos across my dash.

Not surprisingly, they were no-shows in the nursery for the Married Adults' Dinner/Dance, leaving Mindy and I to tend the children ourselves. Then Sunday evening I arrived late to the Single Adults' Fireside. I was pleased to find it well attended. Only instead of listening to a presentation on personal histories, the Single Adults were playing poker with former Stake President Taylor. On the Sabbath. Using the sacrament cups for chips.

In spite of all of this, I remained determined not to give up on my Single Adult charges. That is, until today, when I walked into my work cubicle, sat down on a chocolate pudding filled whoopie cushion, then tripped a wire that sent Disco Duck blaring through my computer speakers. All of this drew wild applause from my office team, the LDS Single Adults, and the non-member co-workers they'd invited.

I'm sorry, President Knightly, but in light of this not-so-subtle message, I have to conclude that going on with the upcoming Lunch Hour Mingle and Disco Dance Party would be a very bad idea. And I don't even want to think about what they might do to the inside of the Turley's Suburban.

Like many martyrs before me, from Joseph Smith -- to Paul H. Dunn -- to Mitt Romney, I must strive to love and forgive my persecutors. But, President, as I sit here in my pudding soaked garments, I must confess, it's hard.

Please accept my heartfelt apology.


Ricky Foote

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll sign you up for the "No Hands Pudding Eating Contest."

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Ferry Building Or Fast and Testimony -- You Decide

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Visitors Welcome at the Post-Mormon Testimony Meeting

Dear Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

This Sunday you have two options:

1. Skip breakfast and lunch to sit through three excruciating hours of church, your head throbbing, stomach growling, and appetite ravenous. -- That is, until you see the choices at the Break the Fast buffet in the Cultural Hall.

2. Come to the Post-Mormon gathering at the San Francisco Ferry Building, and enjoy scintillating conversation as well as the offerings at Pete's Coffee, Cowgirl Creamery Cheese, Acme Bread, and Miette Patisserie.

The choice is yours. 
Either this:

Or this:

Come to the Ferry Building. You know you want to.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

LDS Stake Single Adults Calendar

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: June LDS Single Adults Calendar

Mindy and I are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. This month we've really gone the distance to plan some super-fun activities custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults. 

Saturday, June 5, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Game night. Sisters bring marshmallows, brethren bring PVC pipe.

Wednesday, June 9, 12:00 noon, Lunch Hour Mingle. Fellowshipping Activity. Find Mindy and I in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building. We'll be holding up our LDS Single Adults! sign. After a group prayer, we'll go to the work places of  less active singles, slip stake calendars under their car window wipers, and write MISS YOU on their windshields in unscrewed Oreos.

Saturday, June 12, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Service Project. Meet in the stake nursery to babysit during the Stake Married Adult Dinner/Dance. Clean-up duty afterwards. Mindy and I will check in on you before we leave the dance.

Sunday, June 13, 7:00 PM, Stake Singles' Fireside. Former Stake President Stan Taylor's talk is entitled, "Writing Your Life History." Yes! You should write one even if you don't have a spouse or kids. Mindy's spinster Aunt Eunice wrote hers, and it turned out to be surprisingly interesting.

Saturday, June 19, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Service Project. Meet in the stake center parking lot to clean out the interior of the Turley family's Suburban.

Wednesday, June 23, 12:00 noon, Lunch Hour Mingle. Fun and Games. Meet at the north end of Abbottsville Central Park under the banner, LDS Single Adults!  We'll have potato sack races, ice block sliding on the hill, and a "no-hands" pudding eating contest. Be sure to invite your non-member co-workers!

Saturday, June 26, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Disco Dance Party!**

**The following standards will be strictly enforced:
 No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. 
 Admission only upon presentation of a current temple recommend or completion of the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.
 Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.
 The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
 Participation in the Disco Duck Soul Train Line is mandatory.
 We will adjourn at 11:00 PM sharp, so everyone's home before curfew. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised to find your windshield covered in unscrewed Oreo's.