Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wisdom From The Relief Society Kitchen

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Everybody said they loved my spaghetti pie last 

night at the Enrichment Meeting pot luck which surprised me cause it didn't turn out as good as it usually does. Anywho, here's the recipe.

Spaghetti Pie


About 1/3 to 1/2 package of spaghetti, or as much as my Terry can hold in his fist. (Be aware he's big for a 3 year old.)

1 pound meat

1 egg

1/4 package Jell-O, any flavor other than lime, I think that's why last night's looked a little strange.

1/2 cup cottage cheese. Don't use fat-free, because it turns the whole thing into a watery mess that will gross everybody out, especially if combined with lime Jell-O.

1 jar spaghetti sauce. I use the store brand, but if you want to be fancy, you can buy the kind with what's-his-name's picture on the label. You know, the guy who made non-church approved movies with Robert Redford back in the 1920's or something.

1 cup cheese. I use Velveeta cause there's always some in the fridge. But you can also use American or Cheez Whiz or the powdered kind in the Mac and Cheese mix. -- Or Kraft if you want to be fancy.


Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brown meat so that it's not red, not black, but not that putrid grey color either.

Cook the spaghetti until it's soft, you know, like regular spaghetti. Some cooks like to use the "throw the spaghetti against the wall to test doneness" method, only when I tried it, my entire household joined in and things got way out of hand.

I had to boil a whole new pot.

When the spaghetti is done, drain and put it back in the pot. Combine the coagulants -- the egg and the Jell-O (not lime!) -- then dump the mix into the spaghetti and smoosh everything together with your hands.

Dump the spaghetti into a standard size pie dish and push it against the bottom and up the sides. You know, like a pie crust.

Dump in the cottage cheese, dump in the meat, then dump the sauce on top of everything else. If the filling is getting too tall, smoosh it down with a spatula, or your elbow, or a Book of Mormon DVD -- whatever you have on hand. Remember what happens in your kitchen, stays in your kitchen.

Sprinkle on the cheese. I advise not getting the cheese on the spaghetti because it will get brown and ball up and your kids will compare it to boogers or something.

Carefully place the pie in the oven on a center rack. NOTE: if you use a regular pie pan you should be able to place the pie in the oven by itself. If you use one of those aluminum disposable thingies, DO NOT place it in there by itself because it's so heavy at this point that it will collapse and you will have a mess that children and cats and dogs will "help" you clean up. You might even swear, then be consumed with guilt, and start to bawl like an emotionally challenged child, while your own emotionally challenged children look on in horror. Put the aluminum dish on a baking sheet instead, it's safer.

Sorry honey, looks like take-out tonight
Here's the part where I feel a little dumb. I can never remember how long I bake it for. I know it's longer than 30 minutes but not sure if it's 45. It's a tough call since the battery on my smoke detector died. Sometime after the gunk encrusted on my oven walls starts to sizzle but before I have to run next door to borrow a fire extinguisher.

Carefully remove the finished pie from the oven. NOTE: Use two hands and oven mitts -- not one of those cheap thin towels from Costco, or you might be tempted to swear.

Anywho . . .   Bon Appetit!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the Relief Society will come by with a casserole.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them we're normal

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that Mormons are a diverse group of  hard-working do-gooders like everybody else. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Brian,

and I'm the third-richest man in Fresno County. I own a small company that buys repossessed houses then flips them for a healthy profit. 

My car is a Jaguar XKR and my watch is a Patek Phillippe Nautilus. 

I'm a big contributor to the Fresno Philharmonic, and I do my best to recycle.

My wife and I do commercials for Cialis
I've been happily married for thirty years.

We have three sons. They also wear Patek Phillippe watches.

On the weekends my buddies and I ride motorcycles. 
We're a diverse group. I'm pretty sure two are Democrats, and one might even be gay. We love riding our Hogs, even when we wipeout, thanks to our deep-seated masochistic tendencies.
I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: September Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,
Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner
for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this September with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Nephi and Sariah's Excellent Adventure
C. Gordon Young, Ph.D

When seventeen year old fraternal twins Nephi and Sariah Price discover a portal in the bottom of their grandpa's potato cellar, they swirl back in time to Book of Mormon days. Armed with only their testimonies and Nephi's Liahona decoder ring, they navigate a maze of wicked kings, stripling warriors, secret combinations, and a few harlots. Will our hero and heroine's Jaredite barge ever resurface? Will they win the tapir-drawn chariot race? Will they ever get through all of Second Nephi? Read this sword-wielding, sling-hurling page turner to find out.

The Mormon Urban Renewal Project
Dallin McConkie Smoot Richards II

Two LDS missionaries are sent to the south side of Chicago where they tract out a block that is frequented by crack dealers. The elders compete with the dealers by selling incredibly awesome Rice Krispies Treats they've created by combining their moms' recipes. The crack dealers go broke, the missionaries get rich, and everyone on the block joins the church. Devoting themselves to the gospel, the new members remove their tattoos, listen to Glen Beck, sell Amway, and pledge money to end gay marriage in California. As a result the entire block turns white! They put up picket fences, decorate their yards with garden gnomes, and petition the Chicago zoning office to transform a nearby abandoned school into a Costco Club.

Pride or Paycheck
Tisha Sweet

LDS English girl, Elizabeth Smith, is not yet one and twenty, and not in want of a husband. Indeed, nobody at the Hertfordshire Stake Singles' Ball could tempt her. Certainly not that snob from Salt Lake City, Rulon Parmenter. What nerve he has, arriving late, refusing to dance, and flaunting his upper class East Bench accent. Then her friend Charlotte tells her he's a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Blimey! That's a real job! ... Could it be that Elizabeth has found her Brother Darcy?

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