Thursday, December 30, 2010

An Exmormon Christmas Carol

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Our Family's Christmas

Millie Loomis's recent e-mail about her family's Thanksgiving prompted the San Francisco post-Mormons to explore new ways to celebrate the holidays. While spending Christmas with the believing LDS family may be traditional, it is not exactly merry and bright. At times, TBM family gatherings can reduce a gentle, reason-loving ex-Mormon into a hysterical, head-banging nut-job.

Rather than pad the walls of our parents' guest rooms, we decided to create a new family -- one we were neither born into nor assigned to visit. A "family of the heart," if you will. Or, in our case, a sanctuary city.

Our season commenced with a Post-Mormon Oakland Temple Light Excursion. Instead of the stop-off at the local Roundtable Pizza, we opted for Monaghans on the Hill, with its superior food and full bar! Mark and I bailed on visiting the temple grounds after. But the others reported that the lights looked amazingly good after a few cocktails, and the conversation with the missionaries flowed nicely as well.

"God only knows" where we'd be
without them!
Next came the Annual Christmas Concert, only this year we switched out the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the Conference Center for The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus at the Castro Theater.

The performance of O Holy Night -- worth four times the admission price
The chorus director's introduction of the theme from Big Love that included a mention of "those crazy Mormons" -- priceless.

Then on Christmas day, instead of piling into our cars and heading to the usual creamed soup/jell-o extravaganzas, we hung at our house for a Post-Mormon Christmas Dinner. It was laid back, with very few decorations, although I did put up the usual tribute to our (former) Savior.
Instead of a blessing on the food, we began with prosecco and limoncello cocktails. They definitely invited the spirit, and great conversation as well.

Below are pictures of some SF ex-Mormons being merry and bright.
Extreme caution advised!
As for the traditional "ringing in of the New Year?" We sure as hell won't be at the Stake Center dancing to this with the Single Adults:

Thanks, Insana D,  for forwarding me this smokin' hot video!!

We'll be together again,celebrating the end of yet another year of freedom and authenticity, and toasting to the beginning of the next. There will be delicious food and drink, welcoming and non-judgmental companionship, and, of course, the traditional "lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the Lord's anointed."

Psst, Abbottsville Fourth Ward, come hang with us on New Year's Eve. You know you want to!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Stake Single Adults Prepare To Ring In the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: Happy New Year, boy and girls!

Mindy and I are pleased to announce that President Knightly has decided to reinstate the Abbottsville Stake Single Adults Program!*

As always, we are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. 

We've really gone the distance to plan a super-fun New Year's Eve Dance**  custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults.

Since President Knightly has ordered  the Single Adult sisters to each invite one of the Single Adult brethren as her date, Mindy came up with some creative ways for you gals to pop that awkward question without it being too embarrassing.
1. Fill a basket with Hostess "Ding Dongs" and "Twinkies." Place the basket at his doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run. A message in the basket should read, "DING DONG! I'm ringing your bell to see if you'll go to the dance with a TWINKIE like me."
2. Find a bug splat on the windshield of his car. Make a big arrow and tape it onto his windshield pointing directly to the splat. On the arrow, write, "This takes a lot of GUTS, but I was wondering if you'd go to the dance with me!"
3. Hire a police officer to drive to your date's house, knock on his front door, handcuff him, and take him to the squad car. Leave a note on the car seat that has, "Now that I have ARRESTED your attention, will you go to the dance with me?" all spelled out in Hershey Kisses.
4. Bake a batch of homemade Parker House rolls, slather them with melted butter, leave them at his front door, ring the bell, and run. Attach a message to the pan that reads, "If I BUTTER you up, will you RISE to the occasion?" 

Likewise, the brethren may choose one of the following methods of ACCEPTING the sisters' invitations
1. Give her a world atlas and a card that reads, "Yes! ATLASt you have asked me to the dance! You mean the WORLD to me! Without you, the EARTH would stop SPINNING! OCEANS couldn't keep us apart! Now that you have me, you've got the whole WORLD in your hands."
2. Duct tape your date's toilet seat shut. Across the tape write, "I'll GO with you."
3. For this idea, you will need some musical ability and a horse. Dress up as a handsome prince and ride the horse to her home. Use a trumpet to announce your arrival. When she comes to the door, dismount the horse, roll out a red carpet, walk to her threshold, kneel down and say, "I officially accept Your Majesty's invitation to the dance." 

 4. Send her a helium balloon that reads, "I'm UP for it."

Find more ideas here.

*Stake Single Adults may participate in Single Adult activities only if they first comply with the following conditions:
  1. Obtain a temple recommend or complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire
  2. Fulfill your usual assignment at the Stake Family Christmas Party. That is, set up, serve dinner, man the nursery, and clean up afterwards.
  3. Attend tithing settlement. (Remember to bring your tax return!)
  4. Resolve to be married by the end of 2011.

**At the dance the following standards will be strictly enforced:
  1. No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. For more information, click here.
  2. No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.
  3. Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.
  4. The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
  5. Participation in the Chicken Dance is mandatory.
  6. At the stroke of midnight the brethren are required to give their dates a chaste kiss (no tongues.)
  7. We will adjourn at 12:01 AM sharp. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

Be there or be square, boys and girls!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you must first complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

And I'm A (Mormon) Christian!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: 'Tis the season for PR!

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed us to use the Christmas Season to remind the world that Mormons are a diverse group of hard-working do-gooders like all other CHRISTIANS.

Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has continued to invest in an ad campaign that profiles successful, "hip and edgy" Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to include the message below in your holiday greetings to your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.

Hi, I'm Lucas,

I'm one of the 100 richest men in San Francisco. 

I own a company that cleans up oil slicks. Even during a recession, I'm always in demand!

This Christmas, I plan on giving back by donating all my old clothes to Good Will, then going to the mall and buying new ones.

As a devout CHRISTIAN, my favorite pastimes are reciting the Lord's Prayer and reading the King James Version of the Bible.

Only 2 tubs on the beach for now ...
I have been married for thirty years to ONE woman.

We have four children. They also love reading the King James Version of the Bible.

The Fab Four
On the weekends my buddies and I perform at a little club on Mission Street. 

We're a diverse group. And when we get going, we're smokin' hot.

I put my garments back on as soon as
I'm done
After that we take in the sights, and, if it's warm enough, we stop at one of San Francisco's nude beaches.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a CHRISTIAN, a musician, and a monogamist. I have a King James Version of the Bible, and a oil clean-up rig capable of igniting the Pacific Ocean. I'm a husband, a father, and a nudist. 

My name is Lucas Tweedy,

and I'm a Mormon.

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's Family Christmas Letter Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Merry Christmas from the Turley Family!

It's that wonderful time of year again, when we gather together as families, catch up with loved ones, and celebrate the season in the spirit of Christian charity.

In these trying economic times, when so many are facing unemployment, bankruptcy, and foreclosure, H. LaVar and I feel super blessed to be living in our brand new 5,000 square foot home, complete with a swimming pool, jacuzzi, and four car garage.
Be it ever so humble
Anywho, none of our possessions, not even our awesome new flat screen, are more precious to us than our six (soon to be seven) beautiful children.

Our year in review:

Tommy (14) participated in football, basketball, baseball, lacrosse, volleyball, choir, band, debate, chess club and yoga. Then on his 14th birthday, he added Stake Dances to his list of activities! At first the girls wouldn't dance with him. -- One even called him "booger." But a box of Kleenex, a little Clearasil and more frequent showers improved his luck with the ladies. (Only H. LaVar is now worried that some of Tommy's showers have been a little too long, and maybe include an "unclean" activity, if you get my drift. -- Time for a father-son sit down.)

Tessie (12) continued to be the sweet spirit she was destined to become, helping Mommy cook, clean, babysit, garden, iron, make curtains, and sell NuSkin products. As a first year Beehive, she dove into the Young Women's Personal Progress program by crocheting 100 hot pads and donating them to the poor. Even more exciting, this fall we purchased her first training bra, which can only mean a certain grown-up event is about to take place!! (Will keep everyone posted.)

Timmy (10) magnified his calling as future missionary by passing out Book of Mormons to everyone on the block, tracting out "golden contacts" door to door, and calling our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield, to repentance when he spotted some empty wine bottles in their recycle. He also served as an elementary school hall monitor and cited many infractions.

Teddy (8) did nothing, as usual. We now wonder if his August baptism may have been invalid in some way, and are toying with the idea of performing the ordinance again.

Toby (6) managed to survive the year with only eight trips to the ER. Thanks to that irrepressible little rascal, we've had to replace the Mayfield's front window, the stage curtains in the ward cultural hall, the motor on the Abbottsville Mall escalator, and H. LaVar's new chainsaw. We hope he makes it through 2011, because life wouldn't be the same without his special little spirit.

Terry (3) is so adorably curious! Everywhere we go he wants to know "why?" For example, "Why doesn't Brother Crawford take the sacrament?" or "Why did Bishop Zimmerman go into the liquor store?" or "Why's that noise coming out of Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield's bedroom window?" There's just no squelching his inquisitive mind, and we wouldn't dream of trying. H. LaVar and I make a point of answering all of his questions in detail.

H. LaVar has had a great year. In spite of the bad economy, he was promoted twice and received a ginormous raise and bonus. But humble guy that he is, he attributes his success merely to hard work, clean living, his support of traditional marriage, his obedience to the one and only true church, and his righteousness in the Pre-Existence. He continues to serve as Ward Mission Leader, a calling that has blessed him with many spiritual experiences.

As for me, I've been pregnant since June, meaning that half my year has been spent hurling into the toilet. Nevertheless, I am grateful for my divine role. Every time I lean over the bowl, I thank Heavenly Father that I am a Mother in Zion. I also am grateful that as the Relief Society Enrichment Leader, I am able to share my culinary talents with the sisters.

I'd like to go on, but Toby has run off with the keys to our Suburban, the nut loaf I'm baking for the Mayfields has caught fire in the oven, and little Terry just asked, "Why is Tommy moaning in the shower?"

So anywho,
Merry Christmas!!
Love, The Turleys

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we insist you submit to an interrogation by Terry Turley.