Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Angel Dog

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Katy Banta, 1998-2011

With Emily -- 1998
In the summer of 1998, the most amazing creature entered our lives. She chewed our furniture, peed on our carpet, dug up our garden, terrorized our cats, and nestled herself deep inside each of our hearts.

For the 4,786 days our Katy graced this planet, she was forever cheerful, full of love, always up for a good game of tug-of-war, on non-stop squirrel patrol, and never stooped to being intimidated by something so insignificant as a cat.
With Emily and Marky on our front porch in Dallas, TX -- 2000
Always our loyal companion, Katy cared for us when we were sick and comforted us when we were sad. On the morning of September 11, 2001, she transferred back and forth between our laps while Mark and I watched the tragedy unfold on television. She kept us company after our kids left the nest, and while her relationship with them was dicey, she treated our cats with the sympathy and dignity they deserved at the end of their lives.

Katy helped us move from Texas to California, and offered steady friendship during that stressful transition. Later, she gamely accompanied us on a cross-country road trip, and left her own imprint on America. (Most memorably when she squatted to poop in front of the doorman at The Drake Hotel in Chicago.) She was on hand for every holiday and party, full of merriment and pointed demands for people food. Best of all, when we came home she was there to greet us with a hyper enthusiasm that never faltered -- whether we'd been gone for ten days or for only ten minutes.
At an Ex-Mormon party at our house in
San Francisco --2010
Joseph Smith challenged traditional Christian folklore when he claimed that angels don't have wings. What he forgot to mention is that they have four legs, waggy tails, cold noses, and hearts the size of Lake Michigan. These angels walk the earth today. We see them all the time.
With Mark on Stinson Beach -- 2010
Katy Banta
June 15, 1998 -- July 22, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: August Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,
Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner
for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this August with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Fun With Freeze-Dried Cheese!
and other super creative recipes from your food storage.
Rita Marie Dastrup

LDS preparedness specialist and self proclaimed "foodie," Rita Dastrup, suggests clever ways to implement items from our food storage into everyday meals so that when the impending calamity occurs, our families will be accustomed to how bad everything tastes.

Alana's List
Clarice Samuelson

Marriage is the last thing on 18 year old Alana Baxter's mind. Not until she finishes "her list," that is. She doesn't care how many of her friends, family, and fellow ward members have taken the plunge. She's won't consider being tied down until she's completed her list of "must do's," a collection of ambitious goals that includes staying out past curfew, visiting Idaho, riding in a taxi cab, having a gay friend, and learning how to cook sushi. Then the tall, dark, and handsome returned missionary, Rulon Humbolt, walks into her life and sends that list of hers into the recycle.

Hie to Zarahemla
T. J. Benson, PhD

Sixteen year old Thad Hatch turns his dad's old Chevy Vega into a time machine that takes him back to the Book of Mormon land of Zarahemla. Eager for an exciting, swashbuckling adventure, Thad immediately signs on to join the Lamanites in their battle against the Gadianton Robbers!  -- Only he ends up spending most of his time searching for his horse.

One Sister's Quiet Desperation
Joan Allred

Sister Joan Allred recalls the private hell she endured upon learning her son suffered from same-sex attraction. Follow her heart wrenching journey beginning with her desperate efforts to call him to repentance, then her frustrating and failed efforts to cure him, and finally her brave decision to cut him off entirely for the sake of her family. Read how this exemplary LDS woman emerged from the experience with a strengthened testimony, a determination to never see her son in this life or the next, and the realization that the whole thing is her fault.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, our Ward Preparedness Specialist, Brother "Bull" Barton will stop by with a Freeze-Dried Cheese Variety Kit just for you.

Friday, July 15, 2011

And Ashleigh Makes Three

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Check out Ashleigh

Meet Ashleigh, a girl who definitely knows how to have too much fun. She is the creation of the another of White and Delightsome's insanely talented authors, "Undis-clothed."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Why Can't They Leave Us Alone?

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Dealing With Our Persecutors

We Mormons are a humble people. We work at our jobs, raise our children, worship in our ward houses, and quietly go about our lives. We bear ill will toward no one, respect the rights of others, and mind our own business.

Nevertheless, we find ourselves on the receiving end of an endless string of crude jokes, tasteless humor, and mean-spirited portrayals that depict us as arrogant, shallow, and self-righteous.

Why can't people just leave us alone?

Sadly, the answer to that question is obvious:

1. They're jealous.
Face it, who wouldn't be? When they compare our fulfilling and joyous lives with their hellish experience, it's only natural.

2. They're bored.
When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.

3. They're bigots.
Prejudice is a fact of life. Always has been. Always will be. Why else would the biggest hit on Broadway right now be a show that makes fun of a religion? To the closed minded nothing is sacred, except, of course, their own narrow opinions.

So how do we react to our persecutors? There's nothing easier. Ignore them. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response. Nothing irritates an anti-Mormon more than the existence of a happy Mormon going about his or her business.

And there is plenty to keep us busy this month. Mark the following on your calendars:

Saturday, July 16, 7:00 AM -- The kick-off of our Tracting Out Abbottsville Missionary Extravaganza! Over the course of 4 weeks we'll team up with the full-time missionaries and canvass the neighborhoods. Our goal is to knock on every non-member's door in town and place a Book of Mormon with each. (Remember, if a gay couple answers the door, politely thank them then quickly move on.)

Tuesday, July 19, 7:30 PM -- Abbottsville City Council Meeting. As always we urge all stake members to join the "Mormon Bloc" dedicated to pressuring the Council to ban gay marriage, disallow any more Starbucks franchises, eliminate sex education and biology from the high school curriculum, and shut down as many bars as possible.

Thursday, July 21, 6:00 AM -- Stake Relief Society/Young Women's Kidnap Breakfast for the Less Actives. Rather than wait for the inactive sisters and girls to come to us, we'll surprise them by sneaking into their bedrooms, dragging them outside in their pajamas, stuffing them in the car, and taking them to breakfast at the Abbottsville IHOP. (Meet at 5:30 AM in the stake parking lot, disperse in separate cars.)

Saturday, July 21, 8:00 PM -- Opening Night for the Abbottsville Stake production of Nunsense!! Don't miss this hilarious romp featuring everyone's favorite cut-up, Brother Moose McKay, in the roll of Sister Mary Amnesia.

Tuesday, July 27, 5:00-9:00 PM -- Abbottsville Stake Fund-Raising Activity. Dennis Newsome, the advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council, will be converting his living and dining room into a call center for the Romney campaign. (Note the location has been changed from the stake center to Brother Newsome's house in order to avoid the erroneous assumption that the LDS Church in any way endorses political candidates.)

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you your very own Testimony Glove.

Check Out Eliza

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Not your mother's temple session

Hey sisters,
If the temple had been like this . . . I never would have left! ;-)

Meet the newest character on White and Delightsome!

More e-mail from Abbottsville Fourth coming soon!

Monday, July 11, 2011

White And Delightsome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward and the wonderful people who read Ward Gossip
From: Donna Banta
Subject: A new blog

In addition to posting the e-mails I receive from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I am now one of the three insanely talented contributors on the newly revamped site:

White and Delightsome: Awkward and peculiar Mormon erotica. Fictional satire. Obviously.

Read posts written by Jennifer/The Cognitive Dissenter, a wonderful writer who is for now anonymous, and me!!

As always you may expect the same literary excellence and high brow commentary. (snort)

Check it out!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

New Yorkers Flee To Save Their Marriages

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Providing shelter for the refugees

Due to the continuing success of The Book of Mormon on Broadway, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I am maintaining the Ward Threat Level at RED.

Additionally, because of the recent legalization of same sex marriage in New York, ward members must prepare for the inevitable onslaught of refugees fleeing the Empire State in order to protect their traditional marriages. 
In the words of T. Raymond Benson, President of the Pooghkeepsie Stake:
"A traditional marriage like mine cannot survive in an atmosphere where any two people can wed just because they love each other."
New York gays may begin marrying as early as this month, leaving their hetero counterparts little time to escape before their marriages spontaneously combust.  We must prepare for casualties as well as all manner of injury.

Accordingly, the Abbottsville Ward Cultural Hall has been converted to a Basic Triage Unit where incoming marriages may be divided and tagged in the following categories:

Minor -- Delayed -- Immediate -- Morgue 

As always, every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. Also, the Abbottsville Temple will remain open 24 hours a day for the performing of traditional marriages. 

Be diligent, brothers and sisters. There's no telling how many evil-doers will rush in to thwart our valiant effort to rescue New York's traditional marriages. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun. 

Remember that we are the target and nowhere is safe. We must gird our loins, take on the whole armor of God, be brave, and address this crisis in the dignified and stoical manner for which we are now famous.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may instead be subjected to multiple viewings of Hot Rods To Hell.