Friday, August 26, 2011

LDS Less Active Endures Guidance Session

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Guiding the less active

Less Actives are so misguided. Always refusing to follow our lead. Sometimes we're tempted to blow them off, and leave them to their wandering. But here's the thing. Nobody with any sense of direction leaves the one and only true church. Consider the reason the Less Active lost his way in the first place: some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Let's face it, he doesn't know where he's going.

The problem is he asks the wrong questions, the kind that lead down the path to destruction. That's why I never answer the question a Less Active asks. Instead I answer the question he should have asked. For example, when a Less Active asks, "Why did the Mormons practice polygamy?" I instead hear, "What's the LDS Church's stand on traditional marriage?" When he says, "How come my wife can't hold the priesthood?" I assume he meant to say, "Would you like my wife to bake you a casserole?" When he asks, "Why is wine against the Word of Wisdom?" I pretend he asked, "I'm all out of grape Kool Aid, can you loan me a packet?"

For example, the following exchange occurred on the front porch of one such Less Active.

Me: Good afternoon, Sister Misguided. I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Sister Misguided: Turley, I've told you a thousand times I don't want any nut loaf. Now what the #%^$; are you doing here?

Me: Why thank you, I'd love to come in.

Sister Misguided: I didn't invite you in @$$hole. I asked you what you're doing here.

Me: I understand you have some questions about the church.

Sister Misguided: Why would you think that?

Me: Don't be shy, just ask!

Sister Misguided: I'm not being shy. I want to know why you're here!

Me: Well, we Mormons have always had our persecutors.

Sister Misguided: Turley, what the hell are you talking about?

Me: Um . . . I don't know that we teach it.

Sister Misguided: That answer made no sense. Why won't you get off my porch?

Me: Probably because they were offended and wanted to sin.

Sister Misguided: Are you insane?

Me: Of course I am. I don't know why people think the Mormons aren't Christians. I mean, Jesus Christ is part of the official name of our church.

She slammed the door. I knocked. No response. I banged on the door. Still no response. I banged on the door and sang out "yoo hoo" simultaneously. She opened up and zapped me in the face with pepper spray. I screamed.

Me: Um . . . OK . . . Will I see you in church this Sunday?

Sister Misguided: Because I don't own a stun gun or an Uzi! Now will you get off my porch?

Rather than answer the question she should of asked. I retreated to my car and washed out my eyes with my water bottle. Then I drove off, congratulating myself on my success.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, don't be shy, just ask!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Ingredients For A Super-Yummy Ward Banquet

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Grant Bixby, Ward Activities Leader
Subject: The upcoming ward banquet

As many of you know, budget cuts have forced us to scale back on ward activities. But hopefully, with the help of your donations, we can still enjoy another sumptuous ward banquet. Below is a list of the ingredients we need based on the expected turn out of 200 people.

  1. Raspberry jell-O -- 100 packets
  2. Fruit cocktail -- 75 cans
  3. Cool Whip -- 50 tubs
  4. Potato flakes -- 200 pounds
  5. Cream of mushroom soup -- 300 cans
  6. Tater tots -- 250 pounds
  7. Green beans -- 100 cans
  8. Ground beef -- 1 pound
  9. Dehydrated onions -- 10 pounds
  10. Velveeta cheese -- 200 pounds
  11. Rolls -- 600
  12. Rice Krispies -- 25 boxes
  13. Marshmallow creme -- 75 jars
  14. Butter -- 400 pounds 
  15. Salt -- as much as possible
  16. Hawaiian Punch -- 300 gallons
We appreciate any donations, no matter how small. Deliver them to the church by 3:00 PM next Friday. With any luck, somebody will be there to whip them into the super-yummy meal we're all looking forward to. If not, we'll have to rely heavily on the blessing on the food.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you have a very poor appetite and will send over a pound of potato flakes.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The New Fourteen Fundamentals In Following The Prophet

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: In response to your letter

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth,

Every time I think you're coming along, you do something to bring me back to reality. Most of you have finally accepted that I live with a man, and that I no longer go to church. Nevertheless, that didn't stop you from sending me a list compiled by the former prophet and right wing xenophobe, Ezra Taft Benson, entitled "Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet."

So I read the thing. Between you and me, I found it a tad subtle. In fact, it's possible that some of you open minded types might try to read between the lines, add your own interpretations, and dive into that downward spiral that starts when a Mormon tries to think for himself. So out of the goodness of our hearts, Byron and I mixed up a pitcher of martinis and did a little editing, just so there will be no mistaking what the LDS Church is going for here. (Original text is in bold type.)

Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet

1. The prophet is the only man who speaks for the Lord in everything. -- The prophet speaks for everyone, including God.

2. The living prophet is more vital to us than the standard works. -- If you listen to the prophet you shouldn't read the Bible, or anything else for that matter.

3. The living prophet is more important to us than a dead prophet. -- With the exception of the dead prophet who compiled this list.

4. The prophet will never lead the church astray. -- Four martinis a piece, and we still couldn't come up with a way to improve on that one.

5. The prophet is not required to have any particular earthly training or credentials to speak on any subject or act on any matter at any time. -- The prophet is not required to read, write, do arithmetic, or even speak in coherent sentences. In fact it's best when he doesn't.

6. The prophet does not have to say "Thus Saith the Lord," to give us scripture. -- This implies he needs to consult the Lord in the first place.

7. The prophet tells us what we need to know, not always what we want to know. -- Information is released out of church headquarters on a "need to know" basis, and you don't need to know anything.

8. The prophet is not limited by men's reasoning. 

9. The prophet can receive revelation on any matter, temporal or spiritual. -- In particular, matters that intrude on your bedroom, bank account, and Salt Lake City's planning and building codes.

10. The prophet may advise on civic matters. -- The prophet can tell you how to vote. That is, until he figures out a way to take away your right to vote.

11. The two groups who have the greatest difficulty in following the prophet are the proud who are learned and the proud who are rich. -- In other words: smart people who don't pay tithing.

12. The prophet will not necessarily be popular with the world or worldly. -- The prophet will need a really good PR firm.

13. The prophet and his counselors make up the First Presidency -- the highest quorum in the Church. -- aka the world, the universe, the mind of God.

14. The prophet and the presidency -- the living prophet and the First Presidency -- follow them and be blessed -- reject them and suffer. -- If all else fails, the prophet will resort to scaring the shit out of you.

If the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward would like to stop receiving my messages, then I suggest they take me off this god-&%$#ed email list.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Musings From The Mission Field

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: bon jour from the mission field!!!!

hey abbottsville fourth!!!!

first off, thanks all of you for your letters and care packages, especially the ones with the rice krispy treats and chocolate covered corn nuts!! my comp says i have the best ward ever!!!        :-))))

we were bummed this morning when we learnt that Mademoiselle Fusee had another run in with the vice squad and can't be baptized until september. but then my comp reminded me again that we were in gay par-ee, and we should be gay!!! hahaha (btw, i totally knew that by gay he meant happy, and he knew i knew that btw.) hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol

so we put on our happy faces and walked over to the rodin sculpture garden. It was scary at first because all we saw were super worldly people ogling at these enormous naked statues. =-o 

we bowed our heads and asked Heavenly Father what to do. then at his suggestion we hid behind the famous thinker statue and when somebody walked up, we jumped out and said: 

"thinking about finding the one and only true church?!!!"
get it? thinking???? it worked too, that is until this prideful lady tour guide told us to leave. we said we didn't have to and she said we did and we said we didn't so she left then came back dragging a garden hose with one of those high powered nozzles and blasted us. as messangers of the one and only true church, comp and i are used to being persacuted, so instead of running away we did an adorable little water ballet while singing "jesus wants me for a sunbeam." :-))))) hahahaha

only then the gendarmes arrived and told us to leave. we told them we didn't have to b/c Heavenly Father said. then they told us we were under arrest and we said they couldn't arrest us b/c we worked for God and they only worked for france. then they pointed their guns at our faces and we ran. 

they ran too, and all of the sudden we were in this super cool chase scene like the one in that classic old movie Bullet. only we were on foot. also we were wearing name tags and carrying book of mormons, which made us way cooler than steve mcqueen. we ran down the rue varelle, over rue da bach, across the punt royale, and the into the jardine de tweeteries where we escaped by diving into one of those geometric shaped shrubbery thingies. :-))))))))
we were kind of bummed after that b/c we really thought we were on to something with that whole thinker thing. then it came to us, in paris the thinkers hang out in the cafes where they gather in little salons and talk about episiotomies and notetics, and other way cerebral stuff. So we decided to form our own salon, only instead of discussing the works of balzac or hemingway or flowbare, we would discuss the deepest most intellectual work of all time: the book of mormon!!! :-)))))))

we went to the nearest cafe, found us a table that hadn't been cleared yet, pulled some nutella out of comp's backpack (it's this stuff that's just like peanut butter only chocolate) and began spreading it on some bread that was left over one of the plates. then i stood on a chair, held up the book of mormon and shouted:

"my fellow parisians, comp and i invite you to join in a discussion of the most profoundly psychiatric work of all time. also help yourself to a super-yummy nutella thingy."

people started booing and telling us to leave, but we said we wouldn't leave until they heard our message, and they said they didn't want to hear our message, and we told them they were being prideful, and they shouted a bunch of words we never learnt at the mtc. then a man stood up and motioned to the crowd to be silent. he wore a red and white horizontally striped shirt and had a white scarf tied around his neck. also he had salt and pepper hair, soulful brown eyes and just the right amount of stubble on his face. can you picture him? if you can, than you must know what immediately popped into my mind. 
you got it! future elders' quorum president!!!!:-)))))

he said: "i am not, too prideful, as you say."

we said: "what is your name, sir?"

he said: "you may call me d'artagnan."

we said: "monsieur d'artagnan, please sit down and hear our message."

he said: "let's go to my flat instead."

we said: "sure!" and followed him down the street. then we said: "sir if there was a living prophet on the earth today you'd like to know about him, wouldn't you?"

he said: "is it this prophet who told you to dress and wear your hair that way?"

we said: "as a matter of fact, yes!"

he said: "is it because of him that you go into nice restaurants and offer people nutella thingies?"

we said: "right again," and followed him down the stairs to the metro station.

he said: "then by all means, tell me where this man lives. i know many people who would like to pay him a visit."

we could barely contain our enthusiasm when we hopped onto the train. then the doors closed and we saw d'artagnan standing  on the platform making a gesture that in america is considered profane, but here in france only means good-bye. -- it's one of the first things they taught us at the mtc. :-)))))) hahahaha

so as you can see, comp and i are working as hard as we can to save france from satan's evil grip. please keep sending care packages, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies. also we've run out of nutella. hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol 

love to all of you :-))))

elder young

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