Friday, January 27, 2012

Defending Mitt

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: How I stuck up for Mitt

Dear Abbottsville Stake Members,

I was recently interviewed on our hometown morning show, Cockadoodle-doo Abbottsville! Take a gander at the transcript and tell me how I did. Go Mitt!


Theme song music punctuated by Cockadoodle-DOO!

Host Vern Hamilton: Good Morning and welcome to Cockadoodle-doo Abbottsville! Our first guest is Mr. Dennis Newsome who is a member of the LDS Church and also the chair of the Abbottsville Romney campaign. Thank you for being here, Mr. Newsome.

Newsome: My pleasure Vern.

Hamilton: Mr. Newsome, I understand that you feel Governor Romney has been miscast in the media.

Newsome: Indeed I do, Vern. In my opinion one of the most heinous characterizations of the former governor is that he is an elite who goes around sipping champagne and eating caviar at fancy cocktail parties.

Hamilton: Well, I think most people understand that as a devout Mormon, the governor doesn't drink champagne, however he is extraordinarily privileged, wouldn't you say?

Newsome: On the contrary, he's the salt of the earth. Why the closest he gets to champagne is Martinelli's Cider, or homemade root beer at an LDS ward potluck.

Hamilton: But aside from what he drinks, he is Ivy League educated, owns multiple houses in exclusive neighborhoods, has offshore bank accounts . . .

Newsome: And is as comfortable as your favorite worn blue jeans. Why he doesn't even care for caviar. Give him some Jello-O and Cool Whip at the good old potluck and he's happy.

Hamilton: But he's also really really rich, right?

Newsome: Absolutely! And proud of it. He tells people that as often as possible.

Hamilton: I see, so what you're saying is he has no semblance of .... class.

Newsome: Not class conscious in the least.

Hamilton: Yes, well, I'm glad you cleared that up.

Newsome: Have you noticed he's started wearing blue jeans?

Hamilton: Do you mean to say he's just a humble "rank and file" Mormon?

Newsome: Absolutely.

Hamilton: Tithe-payer?

Newsome: Of course.

Hamilton: Does he also serve in various volunteer capacities within the LDS Church?

Newsome: Oh yes, as a bishop, stake president, high councilman, you name it.

Hamilton: Then, as a member of the "rank and file," may we assume he also takes his turn cleaning his ward's meetinghouse?

Newsome: Heck no. Are you kidding? The man makes $57,000 a day, for crying out loud!

Hamilton: Indeed he does. Well, thank you, Mr. Newsome, for being our guest.

Newsome: Anytime Vern.

Hamilton: Our next guest claims her rabbit has psychic abilities. Please stay tuned.

Cut to commercial.

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  1. Are you sure he's tithing from the offshore accounts or just hiding it from the IRS?

  2. This is a question the Mormon General Authorities must be asking right now. ;)

  3. Jello and cool whip? Mitt knows that's peasant food!

  4. Right, Ahab, and while he's dining with the peasants, he's careful to remind them of how RICH he is.

  5. Hey, I left a comment here yesterday but don't see it. Something to the effect that I think the second guest has more credibility than the first one.

  6. True. Most animals can smell a rat.

  7. Romney is the first human I've ever seen who looks formal in jeans. And the checked shirts? Puh-leeze.

    He'd do better to don chinos and a light blue Oxford cloth shirt.

  8. Thanks CD, I don't know what's up with my comments lately.

    prairienymph, no kidding. I imagine some of his employees have similar opinions of him.

    No kidding Nance. He should just be who he is. You don't see Obama sporting muscle tees and True Religion jeans. He should just embrace his inner-nerd, or inner HSP, as you might say!