Friday, January 27, 2012

Defending Mitt

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: How I stuck up for Mitt

Dear Abbottsville Stake Members,

I was recently interviewed on our hometown morning show, Cockadoodle-doo Abbottsville! Take a gander at the transcript and tell me how I did. Go Mitt!

_______________

Theme song music punctuated by Cockadoodle-DOO!

Host Vern Hamilton: Good Morning and welcome to Cockadoodle-doo Abbottsville! Our first guest is Mr. Dennis Newsome who is a member of the LDS Church and also the chair of the Abbottsville Romney campaign. Thank you for being here, Mr. Newsome.

Newsome: My pleasure Vern.

Hamilton: Mr. Newsome, I understand that you feel Governor Romney has been miscast in the media.

Newsome: Indeed I do, Vern. In my opinion one of the most heinous characterizations of the former governor is that he is an elite who goes around sipping champagne and eating caviar at fancy cocktail parties.

Hamilton: Well, I think most people understand that as a devout Mormon, the governor doesn't drink champagne, however he is extraordinarily privileged, wouldn't you say?

Newsome: On the contrary, he's the salt of the earth. Why the closest he gets to champagne is Martinelli's Cider, or homemade root beer at an LDS ward potluck.

Hamilton: But aside from what he drinks, he is Ivy League educated, owns multiple houses in exclusive neighborhoods, has offshore bank accounts . . .

Newsome: And is as comfortable as your favorite worn blue jeans. Why he doesn't even care for caviar. Give him some Jello-O and Cool Whip at the good old potluck and he's happy.

Hamilton: But he's also really really rich, right?

Newsome: Absolutely! And proud of it. He tells people that as often as possible.

Hamilton: I see, so what you're saying is he has no semblance of .... class.

Newsome: Not class conscious in the least.

Hamilton: Yes, well, I'm glad you cleared that up.

Newsome: Have you noticed he's started wearing blue jeans?

Hamilton: Do you mean to say he's just a humble "rank and file" Mormon?

Newsome: Absolutely.

Hamilton: Tithe-payer?

Newsome: Of course.

Hamilton: Does he also serve in various volunteer capacities within the LDS Church?

Newsome: Oh yes, as a bishop, stake president, high councilman, you name it.

Hamilton: Then, as a member of the "rank and file," may we assume he also takes his turn cleaning his ward's meetinghouse?

Newsome: Heck no. Are you kidding? The man makes $57,000 a day, for crying out loud!

Hamilton: Indeed he does. Well, thank you, Mr. Newsome, for being our guest.

Newsome: Anytime Vern.

Hamilton: Our next guest claims her rabbit has psychic abilities. Please stay tuned.

Cut to commercial.


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Friday, January 20, 2012

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward Society Page, vol. 2

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward
by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Harolds missed another house payment, the Turleys finally cleaned out the interior of their Suburban, and a new bed was recently delivered to the Maxwells. (An anonymous source claims that both the bed and Brother Maxwell have moved into the den.)

Other than that, love is in the air for the Fourth Ward, and just in time for Valentine's Day. Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have announced their intention to marry. The ceremony will take place as soon as possible, and will NOT be solemnized in the temple. The Sorensons escaped for a romantic weekend at their cabin at Lake Tahoe. -- I'm guessing that means Brother Sorenson finally got that prescription filled. ;) And Brother Gibson went out on an actual date!

The Relief Society again achieved 100% Visiting Teaching. Even poor Sister Banta got a visit. (The key is to arrive at her house before 10:00 AM so she isn't too ... you know.)

However tithing settlement was not so successful this year. The bishop is still waiting for the McGruffs, the Skousens, and Brother Gibson to come to his office and declare their income. If they don't do so soon, they can expect to lose their good standing in the ward, and any credibility whatsoever. Also, the bishop would like to extend his apology to the Russells. Acting on the suspicion that they hadn't paid an honest tithe, he demanded they submit their tax return. They complied -- and come to find out -- their donation really was 10% of Brother Russell's salary. (Oh dear!)

The Republican primaries have kept Brother Newsome of the Stake Public Affairs Council very busy. In addition to making cool, hip "And I'm a Mormon" ads, he's also engaged in a letter-writing campaign to stop the nosy liberals who want Mitt Romney to release his tax return. Honestly, have they no respect for privacy?

Finally, earlier this month Brother Payson was rushed to the Emergency Room with severe chest pains. Thank goodness the cause was only acute constipation! (My guess is the culprits are his sedentary lifestyle, an excessively high body mass index, and Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pie.)

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pies.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Be An LDS Supermom!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: How to be a Supermom

Because many members of our Relief Society complain about the stresses of motherhood, I'm forwarding this transcript from a recent installment of GET A LIFE! courtesy BYU Television.

GET A LIFE!
from BYU

Sister Bailey:
Good morning, I'm Karen Bailey, hostess of GET A LIFE! Today our guest is Dr. David Doosh from the BYU Counseling Center. He is here discuss how to be a "supermom." Welcome to our show, Dr. Doosh.
Dr. Doosh:
Thank you for having me.
Sister Bailey:
Dr. Doosh, many mothers in our community complain that they can't be what some call "Supermoms," meaning that they just can't do it all. For example, a friend recently told me that she wished her husband would watch the children more often and that he would stop referring to it "babysitting." After all, he's the parent too. What would you say to this woman?
Dr. Doosh:
I would tell your friend to reframe her outlook. Yes, they are both parents, but they have entirely different stewardships. When her husband refers to caring for his own children as "babysitting" he is paying her an obvious compliment. He is telling his wife that he knows he has neither the patience nor the inclination for childcare that she possesses. The same is true when he leaves the cooking and the cleaning in her charge. 
Sister Bailey:
Interesting. So you're saying my friend's husband is really being considerate?
Dr. Doosh:
Exactly. Look at it this way. What if she were to say to her husband, "Honey, how about if I fly to Vegas and attend your convention, and you stay home and be the mom." Well, he'd probably be insulted, don't you think? 
Sister Bailey:
Yes, I see your point. Now, Doctor, what advice would you give the mother who just doesn't have enough time or energy to complete all of the chores on her list?
Dr. Doosh:
First off, she needs to prioritize. She could begin by recognizing that as head of the household, her husband's needs come first. Accordingly, the top of her list should include things like "food" and "sex." After that, "laundry," "carpool," "vacuuming," etc. Then at the bottom, things like "personal time."
Sister Bailey:
So if she can't do it all, she can at least accomplish the important things. 
Dr. Doosh:
Yes, and I'd also tell her to quit thinking of it as a "list of chores" and start thinking of it as a "list of opportunities." For example, instead of bemoaning how much she hates cleaning the toilet, she could be grateful for the opportunity to eliminate her husband's waste.
Sister Bailey:
I sure enjoy flushing my husband's waste.
Dr. Doosh:
My wife says the same thing! It's a natural feminine reaction. Remember it's not the task. It's the task itself. If a woman would stop reacting to the task, and start appreciating the task itself, she'd lose sight of the task, love the task itself, and stop overreacting to the tasking. I think... Anyway, it's not personal.
Sister Bailey:
What about the mother who is depressed because her life isn't turning out the way she expected it would? How would you help her meet her expectations?
Dr. Doosh:
I'd tell her to lower them. After all, who does she think she is? I'd also tell her to learn to laugh. Laughter is a huge buffer. When she feels like crying -- laugh. When she's exhausted and wants to lie down -- laugh. When she's so angry she wants to scream -- laugh. My wife laughs all day long. It's marvelous.
Sister Bailey:
One final question, Doctor. I have a dear, dear friend who told me last week that she just isn't cut out to be a wife and mother, that she has neither the desire nor the skills to fill that role. What would you say to her?
Dr. Doosh:
I'd say she's being too hard on herself. I mean she must have a few talents. At the very least, she's probably good in bed. That's something to be proud of. So she should focus on what she's good at, and in the meantime work on developing the other skills. For example, she could take a cooking class.

Sister Bailey:
I have been talking with Dr. David Doosh of the BYU Counseling Center. Thank you for sharing your excellent advice with our viewers, Doctor.

Dr. Doosh:
You're very welcome! 
Sister Bailey:
Next week on GET A LIFE! my guest will be Dr. Nephi Gladstone from the BYU Medical Center. We will discuss how temple garments can increase sexual fulfillment. Be sure and tune in!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably confusing the task with the task at hand.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Fielding Those Pesky FAQ's

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Setting the record straight

As we head into 2012, the Romney and Huntsman candidacies promise to bring more scrutiny of the LDS Church. Unfortunately, this may lead to the spreading of many lies and misconceptions. So, now more than ever, it is essential that we are prepared to answer all of those Frequently Asked Questions. For example:

Do the Mormons really believe that God lives on a planet named Kolob?
Answer...
No. That is a complete misconception. Kolob isn't a planet at all. It is a star near the planet that God lives on.
Do the Mormons practice polygamy?
Answer...
No again. That is a bald faced lie. In fact, polygamy isn't even doctrine. Except for that part in the Doctrine and Covenants about how righteous Mormon men go on to become gods who impregnate hundreds of wives and populate their own planets.
Are the Mormons Christians?
Answer... 
Yes! In fact the Mormon Church is the only true Christian church. That is because we believe God flew from His planet (not Kolob) to our planet (Earth) and had sex with another man's wife (Mary) who then gave birth to His literal son, Jesus -- who went on to have His own plural wives and planet.
Also because we call ourselves The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.
Are Blacks given equal status in the Mormon Church?
Answer... 
Absolutely! Now that God has forgiven them for their cowardly conduct in the Pre-Existence, the descendants of Cain are entitled to all of the blessings of the Priesthood. So long as they are male, straight, and don't get too far above themselves.
What is the Mormon Church's stand on Same Sex Marriage?
Answer... 
Same Sex Marriage is a strange, perverted and bizarre practice that is at odds with Heavenly Father's definition of traditional marriage. That is, that marriage is between one man and hundreds of women who help Him populate his planet. (Not Kolob.)
When will Mormon women be given the Priesthood?
 Answer... 
When pigs fly.


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***Note from blog owner: No offense to Brother Turley, but I think Justin is a far better spokesman. Only those nit-picky admins on mormon.org took down his profile. -- WTF?


What blessings can you receive from reading the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and other scriptures?

Justin answered...
About the same blessings you get from reading The Lord of the Rings or any other work of fiction.