Thursday, December 27, 2012

Ho Ho Ho! Now Pay Your Tithing (Again)

Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 28, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it. Also so Mark and I can spend the day celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary. Enjoy and happy holidays!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: The blessings of tithing

Less Actives can be so selfish. Always carping about tithing. Claiming it's too expensive and they can't afford it, even inventing delusional complaints about church finances. Some pay only five percent, some none at all. At times we're tempted to leave them to their sinful choice. After all it's theirs to make. But here's the thing. No investment is more important than Heavenly Father's tithe. Consider how the Less Active squanders the Lord's due: designer clothes, sports cars, and boozy marathons in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's selfish, and in need of spiritual repair. So when I learned that a number of Less Actives have yet to sign up for tithing settlement, I thought, it's a cry for help.

The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:

Me: Good evening Brother Selfish. I've brought my wife's famous nut loaf.

I set the gift on his coffee table.

Brother Selfish: You didn't come here to give me nut loaf. You want me to pony up the dough, and if I refuse, the bishop won't let me in the temple for my only daughter's wedding. It's blackmail, that's what it is.

Me: Oh you! I would never suggest such a thing. I merely want to testify of the many ways paying a full tithe can bless your life.

Brother Selfish: Like losing my house? That's what'll happen if I don't make the mortgage this month.

Me: Brother Selfish, you need to have more faith. The Lord will provide. In the mean time, the ward can put you up at the Pine Cone Motel.

Brother Selfish: I don't want to stay in that dump.

Me: But Brother, the church picked it up for a song. We're renovating it to house members in need. A boy from the third ward has taken it on as his Eagle Scout project.

Brother Selfish: Great. And what am I supposed to eat?

I nudge the nut loaf in his direction. He rolls his eyes.

Brother Selfish: I'm also behind on my taxes. If I don't pay them now, I could go to prison.

Me: This is serious indeed. But look on the bright side. It would solve your housing problem. And in the final analysis, which would you prefer -- federal prison or Spirit Prison? Anyway, aren't you bothered by the way the government wastes your money?

Brother Selfish: At least I know how it wastes it. I've no idea what the LDS Church does with my tithing, it doesn't report its finances.

Me: You expect the Lord to report His finances? Would you expect Him to report when He plans the next earthquake, flood, or heat wave?

Brother Selfish: No. I just want to know what He does with my money.

Me: Why you're implying that you don't trust the Lord. That you don't trust His church. That you think Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. That the LDS Church is a big fraud that promises eternal life in exchange for bilking people out of their savings. Like one of those miracle skin creams.

Brother Selfish: You mean the kind those young, perky people sell door to door?

Me: Exactly!

I set the tithing envelope on the table next to the nut loaf.

Brother Selfish: I know one thing the church is doing with my money. They're tearing down historic structures to build that ostentatious commercial mecca next to temple square in Salt Lake.

Me: Isn't it marvelous! The City Creek development will include shopping, theaters, restaurants and condominiums. Everything to make our church headquarters the shining beacon it has become.

Brother Selfish: Uh-huh. So if I pay my tithing, do I get a discount at the mall?

I burst out laughing. He falls silent.

Me: Only the mall in heaven.

I laugh a little more, sober then meet his eyes. My heart brims with compassion.

Me: I understand your only daughter is set to marry in the Oakland temple this spring.

Brother Selfish: Why you miserable @#$%ing little piece of $*^%.

He pulls his checkbook from his pocket. I supply him with a pen.

Me: Don't forget to include ten percent of Sister Selfish's income.

Brother Selfish: She died last May.

Me: Which was within the Lord's fiscal year. Wouldn't want her waiting outside the pearly gates, postage due.

Brother Selfish: Don't push it, ^%$-face.

He signs the check then sends it kiting across the room. I grab for it once, twice, then finally nab it before it floats behind the couch.

Me: Have a happy New Year.

Brother Selfish: Get the ^%$ out of my house.

I sing a cheery too-da-loo and march triumphantly through the door. It slams behind me.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, take it up with Brother Turley when he visits.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

End Of The World Confessional To The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Wilbur T. Nussel, 2nd Counselor in the Elders' Quorum Presidency
Subject: I confess just in time for the apocalypse

At first I was a little skeptical about the whole Mayan calendar doomsday prediction for 12/21/12. But then I saw women wearing pants to church last Sunday and I realized that it truly is the end of the world. So before I meet my maker, I'd better get a few things off of my chest.

First, to Bishop Zimmerman, I still have that hammer you lent me last year, and I admit I had no intention of returning it . . . until now. I'll try to get it back to you before tomorrow.

To Sister Renfro, I'm sorry to say that I'm the one who dented your fender in the church lot last April.

To all of you, remember how I used to get up in Fast and Testimony Meeting and apologize for offending people? Well, the truth is, I wasn't sorry. I mean, let's face it, Brother Harold does have doggy breath, Sister Riley probably has the biggest caboose on the planet, and the whole ward knows that Brother Gibson is gay. So I wasn't sorry and I apologize for lying to you.

I must also apologize to the 6 or 7 people I accidentally poisoned at the last ward potluck. That's right. It was my casserole. But honestly, who knew Spam had an expiration date?

To the Spencers, when I housesat for you in June I snuck into your file cabinet and reviewed your past tax returns. Also I used some of your "cooking" wine for medicinal purposes, and I'm afraid I'm responsible for that mysterious stain on Sister Renfro's thong panties. (My bad.)

To Brother Jeffries, I admit I've entertained many impure thoughts about your wife. Heck I'm not the only one. The woman has a body that won't quit. But I swear I wasn't the one who leaked those naked pictures of her onto the Internet. Also, I totally believe that it's just her head photoshopped onto another woman's body.

To Jenny, I really shouldn't have gone that far with you in the backseat after the stake Mix and Mingle. Your dad's right. I should marry you and make you an honest woman. Only now it's too late.

I hope this clears me with my maker and that tomorrow I'll see each and every one of you in the Celestial Kingdom, because you guys are the best ward ever!

Now I'm going to go out and return all of your Christmas presents.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, just wait until tomorrow.

Also watch this review of The Girls From Fourth Ward and 2 other great Mormon-themed books by Bishop Flat Lander! Hint--Just in time for "Smithmas."

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just Wearing Pants Isn't Enough!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Mark Crawford. ward inactive token gay who still gets the emails
Subject: Wear Pants to Church Day

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

As many of you know, this Sunday is Wear Pants to Church Day, an event created by Mormon feminists that invites LDS sisters everywhere to wear slacks to church in order to promote gender equality.

When I heard about this, my heart was touched and I became filled with the spirit. So much so that for the first time in years, my husband, Byron, and I have decided to attend church on a Sunday when my mother isn't even in town.

But as much as I approve of this protest, I am afraid that it will fall way short of the desired goal. It's based on a faulty assumption. The event's organizers claim the following:

We believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS church today stems from the church's reliance on – and enforcement of – rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality.

Sounds reasonable all right. But here's the problem: since when have the straight white guys running the LDS Church had any relationship to reality?

Consider the rational responses left in the comment field on the event's Facebook page. The people we are dealing with are not at all ashamed to publicly state the following:

LMAO! Geez! haha...what the hell is WRONG with women in our society these days? If you're going to wear pants, they might as well get penis implants too, to make them even MORE masculine.**


The beauty of an event like this is that it EXPOSES the most angry, prideful women in the church. The types that are SO selfish and arrogant that they'll destroy marriages and families and harm innocent children by demanding divorce.** 


I'm exhausted with feeling the obligation to be "half gay" in order to feel attracted to the "new and improved" arrogant "manly" women in American society.**

Get it Abbottsville Fourth? When dealing with what has to be the most clueless demographic in American society, reasonable people cannot rely on subtlety to get their point across. The racist, homophobic, misogynistic pricks in charge need to finally get it through their thick skulls that we aren't buying into their bullshit. We need to speak their language.

In that spirit and out of the goodness of our hearts, Byron and I mixed up some dry martinis and prayed for guidance.

Halfway through the second pitcher we received the following revelation about the LDS hierarchy: The white male pricks in charge never miss an opportunity to verbally fart the usual bullshit theories they've invented for the sole purpose of ensuring that they remain the white male pricks in charge. By the end of any given Sacrament Meeting, there's so much gas in the room that the tiniest spark could blow the entire building to smithereens. 

No wonder they don't allow candles.

This Sunday let's beat them at their own game. In addition to wearing pants, we encourage every like-minded progressive ward member to bring his or her favorite flatulence device to church. Then be poised to activate it at the first whiff of verbal methane from the Brethren. When they let one rip, we'll let one rip.

Byron and I will arrive at the ward meetinghouse early on Sunday armed with extra whoopee cushions and electronic farting devices. If we run out, participants can always fall back on the simple razzberry. Hopefully this will get our message across. If not, we may have to undo our trousers, bend over and moon the moronic misogynist asshole who is still too thick to get the message. 

For more information visit our new Facebook event page: Drop Your Pants in Church Day. (You may want to mix up a pitcher of dry martinis first.)

**The above quotes are actual quotes on an actual Facebook page, not satire written by the blog owner. She's not that good.

--Update! It appears the Wear Pants to Church Facebook page was just shut down, so you'll now have to take the blog owner's word on what was in the comment field. But come on! Has she ever lied to you? :-)

--Second Update! The page is back up again -- as of 12/14/12 10:40 AM, anyway.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Mormons And Gays

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: The Church reaches out to gays and lesbians

Recently the Brethren made the following statement regarding our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters:

The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex issue for the LDS Church. That is because we have long held the position that homosexuality is a vile and unnatural orientation. Only we can't really say so anymore because when we do people call us prejudiced and sometimes even quit attending church.
In that spirit, we reach out to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. We understand that many of you may not have chosen to become gay. But even if Heavenly Father accidentally gave you this so-called tendency, He certainly didn't intend for you to act upon it. We know this is difficult for you, our dear "unique" brothers and sisters. But here's the good news: if you remain either celibate or in a completely unsatisfying heterosexual marriage, after you die there's a good chance that you will be resurrected as a normal person. 
Be strong, be stedfast, and remember you are not alone. The same is true for our brothers and sisters who are kleptomaniacs or serial killers or would-be sex traffickers. They must also abstain.
But the bottom line is, we love all of you, and from here on we intend to be nice to you. As long as you are doing your best to pretend that you're not gay, you don't have to feel too guilty about it, probably shouldn't commit suicide, ought to come out to church, and definitely need to keep paying your tithing.
In conclusion, this is not a change in the LDS Church's policy on gays and lesbians. We have always believed this, just as we have always believed that Blacks are equal and that marriage is between one man and one woman. This policy will continue to be our long standing position until it is replaced by a new policy that again represents what we have always believed.
For more information go to 
If you would like to stop receiving these emails we encourage you not to act upon it.

ALSO--Check out this new 5 star review for The Girls From Fourth Ward by Bishop Flatlander!