From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update
Because of Boyd K. Packer's recent revision of the Beatitudes, as well as a local increase in tolerance chatter, I have decided to raise the ward threat level to RED.
Originally a Utah phenomenon, a growing number of tolerance groups have formed in the outlying wards and stakes throughout the mission field, including here in Abbottsville. Bent on forcing their tolerance agenda on faithful Latter-day Saints, these tolerance cells are capable of all forms of tolerant crimes and mischief. I advise all ward members to remain calm, be vigilant, and report all acts of tolerance.
My newly expanded Ward Preparedness team has been hard at work monitoring ward telephone lines, members' emails, and local LDS chat rooms. Over the past 24 hours, we've detected a shocking number of tolerant-leaning chatter. Here are some of the conversational "red flags" we've uncovered:
- "Shouldn't the job go to the one who's the most qualified?"
- "Have any new ideas?"
- "But it's what's inside a person that counts."
- "It's really none of our business."
- "Why don't we put it to a vote?"
- "She makes a lot of sense."
- "But they love each other."
"Two types of treatment are typically the most successful. Tolerance addicts can choose from a fear-based approach that employs mind-altering drugs and intense cable news exposure to drill fear of gays, non-white ethnicities, and political outliers into the minds of patients in order to help them produce automatic fear responses when confronted with people who are different from themselves. This fear should lead to unquantifiable hatred, the hallmark of successful detolerance therapy. -- Those seeking a more holistic approach can work to develop artificial love for people with differing backgrounds which allows them to feel profound pity for anyone who doesn’t yet believe exactly as they do."In conclusion, from this moment forward, the Abbottsville Fourth Ward will have zero-tolerance for the tolerant.
In addition, I advise all ward members to have on hand the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.
This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably an intellectual, a gay person, or one of those women who thinks she makes sense.