Thursday, April 25, 2013

A-4 Cracks Down On Tolerance Crimes

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Because of Boyd K. Packer's recent revision of the Beatitudes, as well as a local increase in tolerance chatter, I have decided to raise the ward threat level to RED.

Originally a Utah phenomenon, a growing number of tolerance groups have formed in the outlying wards and stakes throughout the mission field, including here in Abbottsville. Bent on forcing their tolerance agenda on faithful Latter-day Saints, these tolerance cells are capable of all forms of tolerant crimes and mischief. I advise all ward members to remain calm, be vigilant, and report all acts of tolerance.

My newly expanded Ward Preparedness team has been hard at work monitoring ward telephone lines, members' emails, and local LDS chat rooms. Over the past 24 hours, we've detected a shocking number of tolerant-leaning chatter. Here are some of the conversational "red flags" we've uncovered:
  • "Shouldn't the job go to the one who's the most qualified?"
  • "Have any new ideas?"
  • "But it's what's inside a person that counts."
  • "It's really none of our business."
  • "Why don't we put it to a vote?"
  • "She makes a lot of sense."
  • "But they love each other."
So far, the individuals guilty of these these suspicious comments have merely been added to a Tolerance Watch List. However, if tolerant activity increases, some may have to be removed from society for treatment, as is the current practice in Utah. The following is an excerpt from a recent in-depth story on the subject from Utah's only source for real news, The Utah Honeypot:
"Two types of treatment are typically the most successful. Tolerance addicts can choose from a fear-based approach that employs mind-altering drugs and intense cable news exposure to drill fear of gays, non-white ethnicities, and political outliers into the minds of patients in order to help them produce automatic fear responses when confronted with people who are different from themselves. This fear should lead to unquantifiable hatred, the hallmark of successful detolerance therapy. -- Those seeking a more holistic approach can work to develop artificial love for people with differing backgrounds which allows them to feel profound pity for anyone who doesn’t yet believe exactly as they do."
In conclusion, from this moment forward, the Abbottsville Fourth Ward will have zero-tolerance for the tolerant.

In addition, I advise all ward members to have on hand the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably an intellectual, a gay person, or one of those women who thinks she makes sense.

Check out my recent post on Ex-Mormon Mavens!

Friday, April 19, 2013

Musings From The Mission Field -- My Work Here Is Done!

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france, paris mission
Subject: the final stretch

dear abbottsville fourth,

thank you so much for all of your care packages, especially sister renfro's super-yummy marshmallow peep scones. comp and i gobbled them all up yesterday. after that we were bummed b/c we realized that our missions were almost over and we wouldn't be getting any more care packages. :-(((((

but that's ok b/c comp and i are too spirichally mature to worry about feeding our tummies. what's really important is feeding our spirits, and the best thing for that is missionary work!!! :-)))))

so comp and i grabbed what was left of our Joseph Smith pamphlets and road our bikes over to the Eyeful Tower. the square around the tower was packed with potential converts, but none of them wanted to hear our message. :-///

finally we climbed to the top of the tower and pitched all of the pamphlets into the wind, but as we watched the Lord's word drift all over paris, we felt bummed all over again. we hadn't even placed a Book of Mormon. :-((((((((

comp and i used to be the mission stars!!!! but now the 18 year old missionaries were stealing our thunder with their bold ideas and unique door approaches. -- at 21, comp and i were a couple of old fogies, so pathetic that it had been at least a week since that horse-faced sister missionary had tried to cream us with her handbag. :-((((((

comp and i climbed down from the tower and wandered the streets of paris, wondering what went wrong. we thought back to all of our awesome investigators. in every case, we'd gotten them right to the font's edge, then for some reason they hadn't been baptized. WTF(lip)???

first madame muzet had to cancel b/c her felony court sentencing date was moved back, then the doctor refused to release monsieur blanc from the asylum, and mademoiselle fusee had another run in with the vice squad. finally, our most golden investigator, Pierre, couldn't get baptized b/c his mommy refused to sign the paper.

oh my heck, what were we doing wrong???!!!!! then all of the sudden comp and i were struck with this amazing epifanny. why weren't we having better success with baptisms?

it was b/c of SATAN.

that was it, alright. in every case, we had been outfoxed by the prince of darkness. well, you better believe comp and i weren't going to let the evil one get ahead of us again!!!! :-))))

we did a little fist-pumping happy dance and then went to a quiet place beneath the Pont Noof and i said this prayer to Heavenly Father: "HF if you give comp and me one more golden investigator we promise we won't let your evil twin, SATAN, tempt him or her away to the dark side."

then we opened our eyes and this young woman appeared along the river's edge. she was wearing a lacy silk top, a leather skirt, and super-high heels that made her legs look way hot. comp and i were just like gawking at her when a gold halo appeared over her head. that's how we knew that she was the golden investigator that HF had sent just to us. only this time we had to act fast before SATAN got to her.

i raised my right arm to the square and declared, "super hot french lady, having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, i baptize you in the name of the father and the son and the holy ghost amen."

then comp and i pushed her into the river sane.

take that Satan!!!
hahahaha lololololol :-))))))))))))))))))

we did another happy dance, gave each other high fives, and in unison shouted: our work here is done! :-))))))))))))) hahahahaha

i can't wait to come home now b/c I can truly say that i served with honor and am going to give the best sacrament meeting talk ever!!!! but don't think i'll be getting lazy on you A-4. as soon as i'm released i'm going to get started on my next mission: finding a WIFE!!!!! :-)))))))))

and no way will i let SATAN come between me and my eternal mate!!!!

see you at the next potluck, A-4!!!! pssst -- i hope there's plenty of tater-tot casserole, it takes alot to sustain my testimony. hahahaha lolololol :-))))))))))))

love, elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we may need to act fast before SATAN gets to you.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Boyd K. Packer Rewrites The Beatitudes

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Matthew 5:3-12 -- the inspired version

Dear Abbottsville Stake,

Recently, the alarming display of tolerance toward same-sex marriage coupled with the unprecedented militaristic feminism displayed by a radical fringe in the Relief Society, inspired President Boyd K. Packer to declare in General Conference last weekend that tolerance can be a vice. As a follow up to that pivotal address, President Packer has taken it upon himself to rewrite the Beatitudes from Jesus' famous Sermon on the Mount, so that they may be of more use to church members today, as well as to future General Conference attendees and viewers.
  • Blessed are the straight white men:  for theirs is the stand at General Conference.
  • Blessed are those who must be celibate: for they may find their only fulfillment in General Conference.
  • Blessed are the women who know their place: for they might be allowed to pray in General Conference.
  • Blessed are the people of color: for they shall be made pure and delightsome; until then, they may sing in the choir at General Conference--in camera-friendly positions.
  • Blessed are those who are cheerful, empty-minded and of good pedigree: for they shall fill the front rows of General Conference.
  • Blessed are the obedient: for a few of them might get tickets to General Conference.
  • Blessed are the righteous and narrow-minded who are persecuted for intolerance's sake: for theirs is the pulpit in General Conference.
  • Blessed are ye, when feminists shall revile you, and gays shall persecute you, and intellectuals shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in General Conference: for so persecuted they, the other old white men, which were before you.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll forward you President Packer's entire list of the individuals he can not tolerate--condensed into a 175MB PDF file.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Sister's First General Conference Prayer Leaked!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Relief Society President
Subject: Official transcript of sister's conference prayer

Hours ago, the Church Correlation Committee released an official transcript of the prayer that "Mormon feminist," Barbie Wooley, will be delivering in this weekend's General Conference. Read below and be inspired:

Our dear, kind Heavenly Father, 

My fellow sisters and I are so grateful to be Thy beloved spirit daughters. We thank Thee for giving our lives meaning, purpose, and direction. 

We pray, dear Heavenly Father, that with Thy divine guidance, we may continue to find nobility in motherhood, joy in womanhood, and delight in our divine destiny.
We also ask, dear Heavenly Father, that Thou will help us, your beloved daughters, to be ever-mindful that we are each entitled to a satisfying and fulfilling experience in any church position. So long as the priesthood is always on top.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you don't understand what your assigned position is.