Tuesday, April 29, 2014

What Kind of Heterosexual are You?

To: Abbottsville Stake Priesthood Holders
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: New Sexuality Survey

As the Relief Society sisters continue to embrace their divine orientation through crafts, the priesthood will participate in a cutting edge study of their own sexuality. Based on the ground breaking and refreshingly progressive questionnaire that was recently distributed at Brigham Young University (see here), all stake priesthood holders are requested to complete the following confidential survey:

Please describe your sexual orientation. Check all that apply:
  • I am heterosexual and do not struggle with same-sex attraction.
  • I am heterosexual but do struggle with same-sex attraction.
  • I am heterosexual but like to dress up like Madonna.
  • I am heterosexual but only get hard when I'm with another man.
  • I am heterosexual but wish my bishop was a Chippendale dancer so I could stuff my tithing into his g-string.
  • I am heterosexual but love getting it up the butt.
  • Other--please do not specify.  
Please complete and submit your surveys by this Friday. The stake presidency will prayerfully review the results over the weekend and then organize all respondents into smaller, like-minded focus groups for more specific research.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're the wrong kind of heterosexual.  

12 comments:

  1. Love it! You've hit the nail on the head, as always.

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    1. Thanks Ahab. It's getting to the point that I wonder if LDS.org is a satire site.

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  2. Maybe you should start giving credit to LDS.org and BYU for their notable contributions to your blog. : )

    On a side note, I've never had a bishop that I've wanted to see in a g-string. And it's not because I have anything against g-strings.

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    1. Well! You're obviously not the right kind of heterosexual. snort

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  3. I can't even think of what to say here. How absolutely ridiculous this survey is. Does anyone know the intention behind the survey? Is it simply to show how stupid they are?

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    1. Ahem, well according to the article (link in above post) the purpose of the survey was to enlighten the GA's on what the young people/heterosexuals in the church are thinking these days.

      However, the outcome ultimately was to show how stupid they are.

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  4. I didn't realize there were so many options! Not to criticize, but I am also not sure you should use "church" and "thinking" in the same sentence.

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    1. I agree with everything you've said. I have one question to which someone or perhaps no one has the answer. Is it assumed that among females only one type of heterosexual exists, or is the female version of the survey waiting for a time when either females or The Church itself is ready for such enlightenment?

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    2. I'm glad you noticed that Alexis! In fairness, I believe the actual BYU survey is aimed at both men and women. But part of my schtick here on WG is to spoof the Mormon practice of treating women like sexual objects rather than sexual beings.

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  5. With direct copy of this nature, who the hell needs satire anymore? And they don't even know they're amusing the rest of us.

    On a more serious note, how did that Niemoller quote go? Something like, "First they came for the Jews"? Thank goodness the LDS Inc. aren't truly in power beyond to those who choose to hand control of their lives over to a questionable church.

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    1. They are truly out of touch. And you make a good point, Alexis, LDS Inc.'s involvement in politics makes it clear that its leaders would like to exercise their control beyond just their members.

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