Thursday, December 18, 2014

LDS Church Moves to Normalize Relations with Park City

LDS Church to Renew Ties with Park City
Salt Lake News -- published December 18, 2014

SALT LAKE CITY -- In a bold and historic move yesterday, LDS leaders announced they will be normalizing relations with their long estranged neighbor, Park City, Utah.

"The Brethren decided the citizens of Park City should benefit from exposure to a culture that is superior to their own," LDS spokesperson, G. Marilyn String, told the News.

In brokering the agreement, the LDS Church agreed to release alleged Park City spy, George Fielding. Apprehended last September in a men's room at the Joseph Smith Building, Fielding spent 92 days in solitary confinement on Temple Square.

Insisting the charges against him are false, Mr. Fielding told the News, "I swear to God, I'm innocent. I got bored during Meet the Mormons so I went to the can to splash some water on my face. Then these thugs in cheap suits jumped me and hauled me off to the clink."

"They put me on a restricted diet of Jell-O, Tater-tot casserole, and fry sauce--and then made me watch an endless loop of 'And I'm a Mormon' commercials," Fielding added, his voice thick with emotion. "Thank heaven they let me go. I'm so happy to be back in Park City."

In exchange for the release of Mr. Fielding, LDS leaders are now requesting the return of 37 of their own whom they had deployed behind enemy lines. However, with a hat tip to the quality of the LDS Church surveillance team, Park City officials confess they were completely unaware of any espionage in their community.

"We knew these folks had moved into town, but saw no evidence of any clandestine activities," Park City spokesperson, Homer T. Larsen explained. "They seemed to be just enjoying themselves like the rest of us."

"We have not arrested anyone for espionage," Larsen insisted. "The so-called Mormon spies are free to come and go as they please."

The 37 individuals in question have refused to comment on their current status. At press time, none had made arrangements to return to Church.
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17 comments:

  1. AhabDecember 18, 2014 at 2:28 PM

    Hmmm. Donna, were you a spy for the LDS who went rogue? If so, more power to you.

    I'd never heard of fry sauce, but when I googled it, I was disgusted to learn that it's a mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise. Why would anyone defile ketchup in this manner?

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    1. UnknownDecember 19, 2014 at 4:40 PM

      I cannot tell a lie: I love fry sauce. Love it. Be open to the possibilities...

      Delete
    2. KerryDecember 19, 2014 at 5:55 PM

      The ketchup + mayo + Old Bay Seasoning combo is fantastic on sweet potato fries.

      Delete
    3. UnknownDecember 20, 2014 at 7:24 AM

      Sounds delicious!

      Delete
    4. Donna BantaDecember 20, 2014 at 8:46 AM

      Aha! Adding that secret ingredient does indeed change things. That does sound good.

      Delete
  2. JonoDecember 18, 2014 at 2:47 PM

    Ahab, or mayonnaise?

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    1. AhabDecember 18, 2014 at 6:51 PM

      Some things just shouldn't go together. Ketchup and mayo are two of such things.

      Delete
    2. Donna BantaDecember 19, 2014 at 7:53 AM

      My Midwestern Lutheran grandma used to combine Miracle Whip, ketchup and sugar and call it salad dressing. Regional cuisine can be brutal at times.

      Delete
    3. AhabDecember 19, 2014 at 1:55 PM

      :: weeps ::

      Delete
  3. Donna BantaDecember 18, 2014 at 3:02 PM

    Fry sauce is one of those denizens of Mormon food that is, indeed, borderline unpatriotic. I have noticed, however, a predisposition for good taste when it comes to the cuisine in Park City, though. That's enough alone to make an LDS spy go rogue.

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  4. HeatherDecember 18, 2014 at 5:42 PM

    I'll admit I like fry sauce. Maybe its because I was raised with it. Its everywhere here! Every restaurant (fast food to nice sit down) offers it.

    But ew to Jell-o and tater-tot casserole. I do have standards. =)

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    1. Donna BantaDecember 19, 2014 at 7:50 AM

      Indeed you do. I admit I'm partial to the Mormon Funeral Potatoes. Old habits die hard.

      Delete
  5. UnknownDecember 18, 2014 at 5:47 PM

    We don't take prisoners here in Park City. We just beer board them until they admit their cognitive dissonance. : )

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    1. Donna BantaDecember 19, 2014 at 7:52 AM

      Aha! No wonder the spies never come in from the cold up there. Beer boarding. You are hilarious!!!

      Delete
  6. Just JillDecember 20, 2014 at 7:25 AM

    I must admit I love it all jello, tater tot casserole, funeral potatoes and fry sauce. Comfort food I guess. I've left the church but I can't leave the cuisine alone. Sorry Ahab, just remember 'love the eater but hate the eats.'

    Let's not forget to give mention to Mormon Muffins and delicious honey butter.

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    1. Donna BantaDecember 20, 2014 at 8:49 AM

      We do love what ate as kids. I still make that old tuna and noodle casserole sometimes--with the egg noodles, cream of chicken soup, tuna and peas. Breadcrumbs on top. I know, it's an acquired taste (from kindergarden.)

      I draw the line at marshmallow topped Jell-O though. :)

      Love how we're passionate about food nowadays, rather than church.

      Delete
  7. AlexisARDecember 23, 2014 at 12:25 AM

    Someone needs to dunk and ordain Kim Jong Un so he can be the next apostle.

    ReplyDelete