I Attend The ExMormon Conference

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Too busy for your emails

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

Sorry, but I've been far too busy to read your emails 'cause I just attended the amazing ExMormon Foundation Convention. I blogged about it here on Main Street Plaza.  Or read below:

I first attended the ExMormon Conference in 2001. Back then it was held in Las Vegas. The event included two powerful open mic sessions, a couple of afternoon presentations that I admit I've forgotten, and a fantastic talk by Richard Packham. After Richard's remarks came an insanely irreverent "talent" show that featured a belly dancer, an actor who gave a convincing performance of  Brigham Young and various skits of dubious quality. (I landed the minor role of a drunken Primary chorister.) Oh yes, that reminds me. There was drinking -- plenty of drinking, thanks to an overflowing cash bar staffed by a tireless bartender. After the show, Brigham and the belly dancer left to party together in the casino, while the rest of us retired upstairs to the Hospitality Room for ... you guessed it ... more drinking.

When I think of the 2001 ExMormon Conference in Las Vegas, two things stand out in my memory. First, the embarrassing spectacle of middle-aged people getting drunk for the first time in their lives; and second, the painful and emotional confessionals that dominated the two open mic sessions. People who had recently left the LDS Church came to the podium with stories of rejection, severe depression, suicide attempts, extreme ecclesiastical abuse, and most of all, fear. While there were a few who claimed to have moved beyond, the vast majority of those who "testified" before the convention were still very much victims. They feared discipline from church authorities and shunning from their family and friends, so much so, that many refused to be filmed or to use their real names. It may have been the ExMormon Conference, but The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints still seemed to quietly preside. But then, every movement has its early days. I suppose these were ours.

So how did 2001 measure up with 2012? Well, for starters the conference had been moved to Salt Lake City, just minutes away from Temple Square. Also the mood was decidedly different.

Half an hour into the Friday night's opening program, David Twede of Mormon Think strolled up to the podium of the open mic session and announced that he was resigning from the LDS Church. He then read his highly amusing exit letter that offered no apologies or explanations. -- Only a request for the latest "temple hottie," Eve's, phone number and the hope that the Brethren will discipline the next Mormon Think editor so that the website's popularity might be propelled "into orbit around Kolob." Then he held his laptop up for the audience to see and pressed "send."

On Saturday there were some presentations I will never forget.

Tom Donofrio delved into the origins of the language in the Book of Mormon, citing sources ranging from Solomon Spaulding to Shakespeare to Jonathan Swift. (Guess what Gulliver's first name was. - snort - Lemuel.)

Sue Emmett spoke about the encroaching influence of religious extremism on our government, a topic she's been researching since the author and investigative reporter, Jeff Sharlet, spoke at the conference a couple of years ago. (See, we're branching out beyond Mormonism now.)

Grant Palmer's fantastic talk, "My Ah-ha Moments While Researching Mormon History," drew heavily on his excellent book, An Insider's View of Mormon Origins. However he also spoke about the lack of vitality in today's LDS Church and its borderline desperate attempts to regain ground by changing its approach to history and scripture (as shown by the firing of Daniel C. Peterson); also its efforts to reinvigorate the flagging missionary program (as shown by the Brethren's recent change in the minimum age requirement for full time missionaries.) In what was perhaps the most powerful analogy of this year's conference, Palmer compared today's LDS Church to "a helium balloon that's been hanging in the corner of the room for the past three days."

I unfortunately had to miss Lori Fazzino's presentation. (That's the trouble with having family in Utah.) She spoke about "Becoming Unsaved: The Road to Deconversion and Beyond." I heard it was fantastic.

Finally "Wade Wilson" - otherwise known as Raptor Jesus - gave a hilarious and poignant account of his mission experience and the post-traumatic stress disorder that followed. Unlike 2001, "Wade" was the only person that I met at this year's conference who used an alias. It wasn't because he was afraid of being shunned by his family, however. He just didn't want to hurt their feelings.

People who were there at the beginning of San Francisco's Gay Rights Movement say the population of the city's famous Castro district began as a party heavy crowd of closeted gay revelers who clung to their anonymity for fear of being shunned by their loved ones. Today the Castro is a family friendly community of openly gay and lesbian citizens and activists.

Perhaps that's the direction the ExMormon Movement will take. At any rate, at the ExMormon Foundation Conference 2012 the LDS Church hung in the corner of the room like a three day old helium balloon. Meanwhile, the ExMormons stepped forward to preside with confidence, good humor and much hope for the future. But there were no skits or belly dancers. And, Bo, who tended Friday and Saturday night's cash bar, found himself with long stretches of time on his hands.

Musings From The Mission Field: I Was Way Ready At 18

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: the new mission ages are true!

dear abbottsville fourth,

It was one of those times when you'll always remember where you were when you heard. Like the moon landing or when we captured bin laden or when the monica lewinsky story broke.

last saturday President Monson changed the age of full time missionaries from 19 to 18 for men, and from 21 to 19 for girls and cut their preparation time in the missionary training center.

and where were comp and i? 

sitting in the church on rue st. merri. 

and what did we do when the news broke? 

me, comp and all the other elders lept in the air, gave each other high 5's, ran out onto the rue st. merri and did a little happy dance all the way to the george pompidoo center and back. WOO HOO!

:-)))))))))))))))) hahahahahaha

only after that we were kind of bummed because that horse faced sister missionary and some other old maids were acting all bossy and prideful and saying that 18 was too young for us guys to go on missions and that we needed more not less training. :-(((((((

shows you how much THEY know. we're talking about lds priesthood holders here!!!! they're more than ready to serve at 18. heaven knows I was. and anywho, if an occasional elder is a little on the greenish side, he'll have seasoned elders like good old comp and me to raise him up to our level of spiritual maturity. :-))))))))

also missionaries need less not more training. take comp and me. we spent way too much time learning french. every time we try to talk to parisians in french all they do is shout back a bunch of words we weren't allowed to translate at the MTC. what good is that.???

all a missionary really needs to learn at the MTC is some unique door approaches, clever comebacks to all of satan's arguments, a commitment to "never take no for an answer," a little jujitsu, some basic escape and evasion tactics, and the ability to run like heck at a moment's notice. voila! hahahaha :-))))))))))))))

so take that sister horse face and all you other miss bossy pantses. face it, what's really bothering you is that the new 19 year old sister missionaries are going to be way hotter than any of you and when you get back home youll all be in your mid-twenties and too over the hill and fat and prideful to get dates. SO THERE! :-PPPPP

thanks again for all the care packages, especially sister renfro's coconut filled mud balls. please send more. it takes alot to sustain our testimonies! :-))))))))

love, elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you learn some basic escape and evasion tactics.

The Fasting Worked!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Yay! We won!

Woo-hoo! The Public Affairs Council of the Abbottsville Stake couldn't be more pleased with the results of last night's debate. But we must extend our apology to the faithful members of the Abbottsville Stake. Boy were we were wrong.

Fasting was enough!

Sure Daniel C. Peterson deserves credit for providing Romney with an apologetic version of his proposed tax cuts. And it turned out that Elder Henry B. Eyring served as a pretty good stand-in for Obama during the practice debates. (Who knew?)

But in the final analysis, the real credit goes to you, the faithful rank and file members of the one and only true church, who ensured Romney's victory through prayer, fasting, righteous living and obedience to the gospel. 

How else could a candidate so lacking in logical arguments, ideas, basic communication skills, humility, sincerity and actual answers to the questions have managed to prevail in a national debate?

Don't be modest Abbottsville Stake, we all know it's you who delivered the goods for Mitt. Give yourselves a well-deserved pat on the back.

Then get back to work! The election is only weeks away and there are two more debates to go. The salvation of the Free World now depends solely on your fasting, prayers, obedience to the gospel and your personal righteousness. Drop the ball now and the Constitution may soon be hanging by a thread. 

And it will be entirely your fault.

Have a nice day!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a copy of Daniel C. Peterson's apologetic version of the Romneys' recent tax returns.

Fasting For Mitt Isn't Enough!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Fasting for Mitt

The Public Affairs Council of the Abbottsville Stake encourages all members to participate in the upcoming fast for Mitt Romney to win the presidential debate. I can assure you the candidate appreciates your fasting and prayers.

But he needs more. Unfortunately, Mitt's tireless service in the one and only true church has not prepared him for success in a national campaign. Worldly voters expect a knowledge and understanding of their concerns, racial sensitivity, ideas, logical arguments, a respect for women, sincerity, basic communication skills, humility, and actual answers to the questions. Since when does the average member of an LDS High Council waste his time with any of that? Am I making my point, Abbottsville Stake? Romney needs more that the average debate prep.

Because he now has so much time on his hands, Daniel C. Peterson has generously offered to advise Mitt on the crafting of a new apologetic version of his tax returns, health care plan, foreign policy, proposed tax cuts, and his views on climate change. Thus prepared, Romney will finally be able to demonstrate his firm handle on the issues.

Where the campaign is falling short, however, is in finding an Obama stand-in for the mock debates. Romney's first sparring partner was Elder Henry B. Eyring, who couldn't quite capture the "sexy wow!" factor. After that Elder Boyd K Packer gave it a go, but failed miserably for reasons that would offend 90% of the electorate, Clint Eastwood, and even a few people in the Abbottsville Stake. Then they finally thought they had a shoe-in with Jon Huntsman, only he couldn't stop laughing long enough to get through the first round of questions.

The situation becoming desperate, the Romney Campaign ran a tastefully worded ad in the Deseret News, which has so far attracted no qualified candidates. With the debates beginning in days, the campaign has no choice but to extend its ad circulation to the entire Mission Field! If you are or know of a qualified person to stand-in for Obama in Romney's practice debates, PLEASE contact the campaign immediately:

The Romney campaign is looking for a white LDS priesthood holder to stand-in for President Obama in the practice debates with Governor Romney. Qualified candidates must demonstrate a familiarity with the constitution, an interest in the current geopolitical climate, an understanding of the U.S. tax code, a respect for women and people of color, a tolerance toward those of different sexual orientations, a logical mind, good communication skills, and a thorough understanding of all of Satan's arguments. Current temple recommend holders only, please. Applicants will not be required to submit their birth certificates.

Get busy, Abbottsville Stake! The future of the free world depends on us!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're one of those worldly voters who expects his leaders to have "actual answers to the questions."

Review of The Girls by Chanson on Main Street Plaza!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: If I do say so myself...

My novel, The Girls From Fourth Ward, got another great review, this time from the talented C.L. Hanson, author of ExMormon. Here's an excerpt:

What if your bishop is a petty tyrant who loves nothing so much as the power he has over other people’s lives. You can’t simply switch to another ward. So, well… Somebody has to off him. But who?

That’s the premise of Donna Banta’s delightfully entertaining and totally Mormon murder mystery The Girls from Fourth Ward.

As I’ve often said, I think the best art achieves universality by rendering with great fidelity a specific milieu. In this case, the story of people lashing out secretly against an authority whom they can’t confront openly could be set in almost any human society, yet the story is enriched by a number of Mormon-specific components . . .

Read the entire review by C.L. Hanson (aka Chanson) here on her popular blog, Main Street Plaza.

(Eat your hearts out Abbottsville Fourth!)

Secret Video of Ward Potluck Leaked

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Secret Video Leaked

Recently a secret video of Mitt Romney addressing guests at a ward potluck in Fruit Heights, Utah was leaked to the media. Here is a transcript of the former governor's remarks:

Governor Romney:

Here's how I break down the American electorate:

First there's the 47% who are whiny, inept, lazy moochers who've never done a day's work, speak with funny accents, think they're so big, don't go to church, and waste their time pontificating about hoity-toity things like science. There's no way these losers are going to vote for me. Er...well, actually they did vote for me back when I was running for governor of Massachusetts, but that's only because I was pretending to be one of them, and now I'm not, so they won't vote for me which is fine because they're a bunch of irresponsible loafers that I could care less about.

Next there's the 47% who are NASCAR loving, gun toting, snake handling, square dancing hillbillies who belong to The Great and Abominable Church or one of its clones, have really bad haircuts, and hate my opponent so much that they would probably vote for an inflatable woman just to get him out of office. And thank goodness for that, because as far as I'm concerned, spending time with that lot is right up there with watching an endless loop of Hee Haw reruns.

Then there's the 5% comprised of complete morons who actually claim they don't know who to vote for. Thanks to them, I am forced to continue this tiresome campaign.

And let's not forget the elite and privileged bazillionaires who are the top 1%. I don't really care for them either. But I have to be nice to them because they're funding my campaign.

Finally there's you, my fellow Latter-day Saints, the only people whose company I keep. That's because you are among the scant percentage of Americans who are members of The One and Only True Church, the organization that I have pledged all of my time, talent and resources to in the Lord's temple and have given more money to than I would ever pony up for IRS.

Cheers!

--In a recent statement, the governor said that while he admits his comments at the potluck were a bit inarticulate, he stands by his message.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails you might as well vote for an inflatable woman.