From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active
Less Actives can be so immoral. Always refusing our efforts to save them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. No moral person leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's immoral, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "I drink like Yeltsin." When he says "the church isn't true," I hear "I'm into bestiality." When he says "no thank you," I hear, "got any malt liquor?" So when I learned that some Less Actives were heading to Salt Lake City to protest Elder Packer's recent General Conference talk, I thought, call to repentance moment!
The following exchange occurred on one such Less Active's front porch.
Me: Good evening Brother Immoral, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.
Brother Immoral: Keep your nut loaf and get lost.
Me: I understand you plan to protest Elder Packer's recent conference address.
Brother Immoral: You're darned right I do. Thanks to jerks like him, young LDS gays have committed suicide.
Me: Now, now, Brother Immoral. You mustn't allow some minor personal slight to undermine your testimony.
Brother Immoral: Minor personal slight? F#!k off.
Me: Remember, Elder Packer is an inspired authority.
Brother Immoral: Packer's not inspired, he's an obsessive old kook. All he ever talks about are the evils of masturbation and pornography and oral sex and gay sex and pre-marital sex and sex sex sex! If he had his way, nobody would get laid.
Me: Precisely! That's because he has only one thing on his mind -- Traditional Marriage.
Brother Immoral: What exactly does your wife put in that nut loaf?
Me: Brother Immoral, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?
Brother Immoral: I believe I can, yes.
Me: Elder Packer spoke of a little boy in Albuquerque who brought a kitten to school for show and tell.
Brother Immoral: I don't give a sh#t about the kitten, Turley.
Me: But you should, Brother Immoral. Because the teacher told the class that it didn't matter what sex the kitten was.
Brother Immoral: It DOESN'T matter, dou%$e-bag.
Me: Then a boy raised his hand and suggested the class vote on whether the kitten was a boy or a girl.
Brother Immoral: Do you understand the problem, Turley? This isn't about kittens, it's about young people committing suicide because their narrow-minded homophobic church leaders refuse to recognize that they're gay.
Me: Do you understand the moral, Brother Immoral? We can't vote on whether a kitten is male or female. It's not like Congress can pass a bill. The kitten is what God made it.
Brother Immoral: OK. So what if the kitten is gay?
Me: Then the Brethren would veto it.
Brother Immoral: Turley if you're not off my property in thirty seconds I'm calling the cops.
Me: Oh you!
He slams the door. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. Still no response.
I creep around the house to the bedroom window. I tap on the glass, then peek through an opening in the drapes. Sister Immoral is removing her brassiere. She screams. Oops! Awkward.
I return to the front of the house just as a squad car pulls up. Out of respect for the Twelfth Article of Faith, I allow the authorities to escort me from the premises. I congratulate myself on my success and make a mental note to bring extra nut loaf next time -- in case there's a larger police presence.
The Church is true! Amen.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you were offended by some minor personal slight, or that you've been drinking too much malt liquor.
Posts
Shoulda brought a real kitten. Nobody can resist teh powr uv da kitteh!!
ReplyDeleteWait a minute, seeing Sister Immoral in her brassiere isn't only awkward, but pornographic.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do repent.
Good point, Carla. And Lisa, you raise a good point as well. I'm afraid Brother Turley has a history of surprising Less Active women in various states of undress. sigh.
ReplyDeleteI like kitties.
ReplyDeleteWait…what were we talking about?
After spending time with people like THAT, who wouldn't need some malt liquor?
ReplyDeleteI know this post is intended to be humorous, but it really does hit the bulls-eye when it comes to language. Conservatives and progressives really do speak different languages, and talking to a right-winger can feel like you're having two different conversations.
No kidding, Ahab. Rachel Maddow's interview with Art Robinson last night was a classic example.
ReplyDelete"So, what if the kitten is gay?"
ReplyDelete"The brethren would veto it."
OMG priceless.
Along those lines, I don't think we can vote on whether a this blog is interesting, cool, or funny. This blog just is those things. As its creator intended.
Thanks girlfriend! Will say hi to D.O. for you.
ReplyDeleteI've not had a lot of personal contact with gender confused kitties but I did know a lot of cats that seemed quite obsessed with self gratification and about licked the hair off their own private parts. I consider this very immoral and a sign that most cats are Satan's spawn and a poor influence on children.
ReplyDeleteFor that reason, I have banned cats from my home. Some may not agree but I know in my heart that I'm right, righteous, and sanctified by God who prefers dogs (God is dog backward, ergo, sanctified).
My dog does sometimes lick her privates but not on the scale that cats do. She's got a small personal problem but won't need reparative therapy like a cat would.
@ Insana D: I'm glad your dog doesn't need reparative therapy, however, I do hope you will take her problem seriously -- Perhaps by playing Boyd's "Little Factory" speech, or telling her she'll go blind. lol
ReplyDelete