Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Stocking Stuffers For The Sisters

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: Holiday gift suggestions

Dear Sisters,
Books make the best Christmas gifts, especially for the righteous members of our Go Sit in the Corner for Women book club. This season consider the following LDS titles:

Wears Mr. Mac

Ever wanted to be a fly on the prophet's wall? The Devil Wears Mr. Mac offers its readers precisely that. Written under the cloak of anonymity, this unexpurgated memoir recalls the experiences of a secretary who worked on the highest level at the Church Office Building. Follow along with "our girl Friday" as she fetches his Postum, schedules his calendar, provides his meals, tends to his wardrobe, and otherwise "inspires" the Lord's mouthpiece. Witness first hand the petty back-biting between the apostles. Learn how they really measure up in the locker room. Experience the backstage drama when Elder Packer's teleprompter fails. See how long President Uchtdorf spends in make-up. And witness the holy hell that breaks loose when the Seer and Revelator misses his pedicure. A must read for the General Authority groupie. 

Mormon Intellectual
Milton Pace, PhD

In this intimate memoir, Nobel physicist Milton Pace shares how he remains both a scientist and a believing Mormon thanks to his unshakable faith and burning testimony. He also credits Valium, primal scream therapy, Prozac, a padded cell and a polo mallet.

Paul H. Dunn
the authorized biography
by G. Reginald Durham

Paul H. Dunn, the authorized biography chronicles the true story of the world's most influential and well-connected Mormon. In addition to personal accounts of Elder Dunn's widely known triumphs on the battle and baseball fields, this new and fully annotated biography includes never before told stories about the former General Authority. Readers will be transported to the pre-existence, where Elder Dunn fought on the front lines in the War in Heaven, struck out Satan in the bottom of the ninth, and mingled with all manner of kings and queens, priests and priestesses. They will also glimpse his interactions with a host of LDS characters, including Nephi, Moroni, Ammon, Tom Trails, Johnny Lingo, and Charly. No believing Latter-day Saint should miss out on this amazing piece of work.

Women are from
Larry R. Martin, MD 

This breakthrough best seller presents the scriptural and scientific reasoning that supports the LDS priesthood holder's God-given right to buy in bulk.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you try primal scream therapy.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

It's Ward Cocktail Hour!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Belly up to the bar Abbottsville Fourth!

The holiday season brings countless opportunities to show our non-member friends how hip and cool we really are. And nothing says "hip" better than than a swinging cocktail party! Think a Mormon household's too square to pull one off? Well, then think again, cool cats. You can whip up a groovy clam bake that's every bit as hoppin' as the neighbor's. All you need are a few common household ingredients.

Alcohol Substitutes
whiskey -- Karo Syrup
gin -- clam juice
vodka -- Windex
tequila -- Mountain Dew
rum -- root beer
kahlua -- balsamic vinegar
grenadine -- Kitchen Bouquet
triple sec -- Mr Bubble
schnapps -- dehydrated pear powder**
**The dust that settles at the bottom of your #10 can of dehydrated pear flakes is an excellent cocktail ingredient. It also makes great smoothies.

Use in the following recipes:

White Russian
1 1/2 oz Windex
3/4 oz balsamic vinegar
3/4 oz milk

2 oz Windex
3/4 oz Mr Bubble
1 oz lime juice
1 oz cranberry juice

Sex on the Beach
1 oz Windex
1/2 oz dehydrated pear powder
1 dash Kitchen Bouquet
2 oz orange juice

Long Island Iced Tea
3/4 oz Windex
3/4 oz clam juice
3/4 oz root beer
3/4 oz Mountain Dew
3/4 oz Karo Syrup
3/4 oz Mr Bubble
dash of lemon juice

Rum and Coke
1 part root beer
2 parts root beer

So get shaking, you crazy kids! It's time to show the world how down we really are. Start a Sinatra album spinning, mix up your favorite poison, then saunter into the old cul-de-sac and shout out, "Hey fellow hipsters! Like to join me for a little drinky poo?"

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll bring the party to your house ... you crazy kids.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Coolness 101 For Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: How to be cool

Two weeks ago the Thursday Styles section of The New York Times ran a feature entitled, To Be Young, Hip, and Mormon.  It outlined the dilemma for trendy young members who are constrained by LDS Church standards. The piece went on to describe how many of the faithful get around the restrictions in order to look like they're cool. For example, a male BYU student who wants to grow a beard may obtain a "beard card" by developing a serious skin condition, or he could land the lead role in a play about Jesus. A young, hip Mormon party girl could order a Pellegrino and not bother to correct anyone who suggests she's just out of rehab. Or a trendy youth might get a pass on the "no tattoo" policy if he's inked with an image of a beehive.

This whole "looking cool" baloney is nothing new. In my day, it was women fighting to be allowed to wear "feminine cut" jeans on the BYU campus. But here's the thing, Brother or Sister Hipster. Even though you're on-trend in your button-down plaid shirt, rolled selvedge jeans and boat shoes, underneath you're still wearing that dowdy magic underwear you received in a temple where you dressed up like the Pillsbury Dough Boy at a toga party and pledged all of your time, talent and resources to an organization that is devoted to subjugating women and "curing" gays. Do you get where I'm going with this Abbottsville Fourth Ward? Let me spell it out for you.

Looking cool isn't the same as being cool.

That's why I love Post-Mormon Sundays at the San Francisco Ferry Building. I get to hang with people who are truly cool, on their own, regardless of what they are wearing, and without advertising.

As I've said before, just because we're ex-Mormons doesn't mean we don't have testimonies. This month we shared how we gained the knowledge that being a Mormon wasn't "cool." These were a few of our red flags:

  • One young man realized that the temple ceremony wasn't going to be "cool" when the temple worker began by asking him to take off all of his clothes.
  • Another realized that Spencer W. Kimball wasn't a very "cool" prophet when he said (via The Miracle of Forgiveness) that masturbation leads to homosexuality, and that homosexuality leads to bestiality. (Hello? Bestiality?)
  • A returned missionary felt very "uncool" when his leaders ordered him and his companion to round up an elder that had sneaked away from his mission. Late at night under the cloak of darkness, they wandered the neighborhood peeking in windows and finally found him after they crawled under a family's house and heard the poor kid's voice. (I should point out that this was in Southern Louisiana where the houses are on stilts. Even so, definitely not "cool.")
  • A woman remembers being very "uncool" when she told the love of her life she would only date him if he sat through 3 hours of church with her every Sunday and took the missionary discussions.
Cool without an ad campaign
So there you are, Abbottsville Fourth. You may look cool at church in your Zooey Deschanel ruffled blouses, high collars and high-waisted pencil skirts. But we are cool at the Ferry Building. And we never worry about how we look because we're comfortable with who we are.

EVEN COOLER! Our nephew, Dan, got a shout out on Foxhole Atheist, Justin Griffith's blog!

Dan, the famous Air Force atheist.
And if I have offended any of you ... that probably means you're in the wrong crowd! Hang with us next month.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Occupy Temple Square Movement Gains Momentum

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness EMERGENCY Update

I interrupt your ward activities with this EMERGENCY Update!! Please read the following alarming article and be prepared to defend your households against the influx of these evil elements into our community.

Utah Lifestyle Magazine
Kristen Pace, Utah Lifestyle Staff Writer

SALT LAKE CITY -- When I joined the energized Occupy Temple Square protest on Sunday, I couldn't help but marvel that it all began less than two weeks ago at a Relief Society Personal Enrichment Night in Woods Cross. Who knew then that Sister Lydia Moss's weepy reaction to her craft project would spawn such a phenomenon.

I found Ms. Moss and her fellow Relief Society Sisters gathered on the square around a placard that read, Our 10% Goes To The Top 1%.

"When I looked down at my assigned project, I was overcome with profound sadness," said Moss. "Then the sadness turned to fear. Fear that my entire life might be defined by the sickening craft in front of me. Then my fear turned to anger, and I rose up and shouted, "I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A PAPER-MACHE PIG!"

"The mood in the Relief Society room was electric," said Georgina Walsh. "It was like an awakening. We were all crying and hugging." 

"That pig was truly the ugliest thing I've ever seen," said a sister who identified herself as "Bra Strap." 

"Then we had this epiphany," said Moss. "We realized that if we didn't have to pay tithing, we could go to Pottery Barn and buy some really cute things for our houses. That made us question. Why do we pay tithing? Where does all that money go?"

"It sure as shootin' doesn't trickle down to us," remarked Bra Strap. "We've got to clean the ward toilets and invent ways to make our houses attractive using glitter pens and duct tape. Meanwhile the fat cats on Temple Square are building fancy condos and shopping malls." 

Ms. Walsh, known to her friends as a shy and soft-spoken person, became uncharacteristically animated. "I asked my husband Rulon why the church doesn't disclose its finances. He told me because they obviously spend their money on maintaining the buildings and providing services for the church members."

"Didn't Rulon paint the ward cultural hall last week?" Moss asked her.

"Yes and nobody paid him for it," Walsh replied, then her eyes widened. "You know, I don't think my Rulon is very smart."

"So right then we decided to occupy Temple Square," Moss said proudly. "We've been here ever since." 

The movement has grown to the hundreds, and it's no longer just women. Gays and intellectuals have joined in the protest.

A man who called himself  "Queer Sex Fiend," held up a sign that read I'm OUT!  "I don't want to be part of an organization whose sole purpose seems to be keeping me from getting laid," he said, then sighed. "Am I being selfish?" 

Meanwhile, Eugene Spellman PhD, had set up a telescope outside of the yurt he constructed on South Temple. I asked him why he was here and he shot me a sarcastic look. "I came to get a glimpse of Kolob, of course."

Because protesters are not allowed on Temple Square, the crowds were relegated to the heavily guarded perimeters. Nevertheless, some have slipped past LDS Church Security. Most notably, a group of anonymous BYU coeds who disguised themselves as brides, waded into the reflecting pool, stripped off their gowns, and splashed around in nothing but brief bikinis. 

The so-called "Bikini Rebellion" was spearheaded by an anonymous blogger who calls herself  "Jane Mo." In an email exchange, Jane wrote, "At BYU, we can't wear anything that shows our shape, much less reveals any skin. It's not fair that we should have to cover up, especially when we're such total hotties." The increasing number of women who now bare (almost) all has set up camp outside of Bruno's, a popular micro-brewery next to the square. "We're not backing down," Jane continued. "Not even in bad weather. We're too determined. Also, the guys at Bruno's promise they'll keep us warm."

The Occupy Movement has even extended to children. I found 10 year old Melissa Young outside the Eagle Gate dressed in her Spongebob Squarepants costume. "I wanted to be Spongebob for Halloween, but my stake president said no transgender costumes," she whined, then stamped her foot. "It was the last straw." Six year old Billy Marks stood at her side. He held up a sign that read, Why Can't I Be "Just a Kitty?"

At presstime, the Movement continues to multiply its ranks. In response the LDS Church General Relief Society Presidency has issued the following statement: 

"The Occupy Temple Square Movement may attempt to entertain for an evening or two, but a paper mache pig can bring a lifetime of enjoyment."

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you some glitter pens and a roll of duct tape.