Thursday, February 25, 2010

LDS Tours Offer Sensible Fun

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. Roy Zilker, president of See Zion First! Mormon Travel and Tours
Subject: Upcoming vacations tailored just for you

Want to go abroad, but don't want to eat strange food, speak a different language, and deal with foreigners? Can't justify abandoning your church calling to go away "just for fun?" Never fear. The folks at See Zion First! have assembled an exciting line-up this year that will allow you to see the world without feeling like you've even left Sacrament Meeting.

Book of Mormon Tour, "Walk in Nephi's Footsteps."
Join us for a spiritually uplifting journey with renowned Book of Mormon scholar:
Jonathan Taylor Smith McConkie Pederson, AA, BA, MA, PhD, LLP, LPN, BSA, SAP
Participants will visit the actual sites of the Waters of Mormon, the Tree of Life, and the Rameumptom, meet a direct descendant of one of the 2000 Stripling Warriors, see where Jesus appeared to the Nephites, and (for an additional fee) speak to Jesus personally. Tour also includes a stop at the "El Footsteps de Nephi Trading Post," where proprietor Manny "Moroni" Gonzales stocks a host of treasures, such as authentic pieces of Nephi's steel bow and chunks of Lehi's ship. (Cash only, all sales final, vendor is armed and does not have access to the safe.) 

Historic Jaredite Barge Cruise.
Step back in time and cruise both above and beneath the sea just like the Jaredites in the Book of Mormon. Passengers sail in exact replicas of crafts reconstructed according to the instructions in Ether 2:16-24. Ships depart from the Port of San Francisco. Subsequent itinerary to be announced, as it is always difficult to predict which continent these barges will bob up on.

Viva Las Vegas! A Single Adult Super-Activity.
Experience Sin(less) City as you never have before! Join us five minutes from The Strip in the Mustang Middle School gym. Be prepared for some serious Vegas action -- Mormon style.
Dinner: Pot luck. Sisters to be assigned.
Show: The Winnemucca Ward Elvis Impersonators followed by a presentation by:
Jonathan Taylor Smith McConkie Pederson, AA, BA, MA, PhD, LLP, LPN, BSA, SAP
Gaming: Choose between Scripture Chase, LDS Hymnal Karaoke, and Back Room Bunco.* 
After that, dance the night away until you find "the one."**

*Temple recommend, 20% tithe, and completion of five family group sheets required for admission to Back Room.
**For your convenience the Las Vegas temple will be open 24 hours.

International Temple Excursion.
Enjoy the ultimate "in the world but not of it" experience on this whirlwind tour of the Mormon temples in Madrid, London, Copenhagen, Stockholm, Helsinki, Frankfurt, and The Hague. Meals, lovingly prepared by temple matrons, are included in the cost, and an LDS-owned air-conditioned coach delivers you directly to each temple door, ensuring that you rarely set foot off of church property. Want to soak up a little local color? Attend a session in the native language!

Speed Temple Tour for Single Gals.
Sisters are baptized for the dead in the Manhattan Temple, washed and anointed in London, and take out their endowment in Frankfurt. Finally they travel to the soon to be completed Rome temple to engage in a group sealing to Joseph Smith. Antonio Firenze Smoot, male model and member of the Tuscany Ward Elders' Quorum, will stand as proxy for the prophet Joseph. (Brother Smoot makes his cover debut in the next edition of Tall and Tawny Studs.) Tour limited to 200 women.

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Word from the Stake President -- I Understand Your Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.

Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
  Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.

Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
  Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.

Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
  Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.

Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
  Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.

Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

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Friday, February 12, 2010

Mormons Party on Sunday!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: What Sister Loomis missed at the Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party

Our gathering was indeed in full swing when the ex-Mormon who called herself  "Lily Moomis" sauntered up my steps in her thigh high boots, zebra skirt and feather boa. Fortunately, we saw her coming in time for the guests from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to hide in my basement. Hate to say it but Millie's disguise needed a little work. So did her presentation. Right off we noticed the following red flags:

Ex-Mormons don't have garments peeking through the black mesh of our fishnet tights.

We don't all want to "shake it like a Polaroid picture."

Our tattoos don't smear.

An ex-Mormon probably wouldn't have asked Tanya if she was a "real Jew."

We honestly do have more than "one thing" on our minds.

And for the gazillionth time no, we're not going to make you play Twister in the nude, or force you into any other kind of sexual performance. (By the way, it's Kama Sutra not Cacca Putrid.)

While Millie certainly contributed to the festivities, for the sake our guests from the Abbottsville Fourth, we quickly frightened her away so that everybody could come back upstairs and watch the Superbowl. And what a game it was, thanks to good food, good company, and a healthy dose of free agency.

Afterward, Jerry took the priesthood holders up to the "man den," offered them their choice of beverage, turned on the post game, and taught them to repeat, "Life is good." Andrew and Tanya led the Stake Single Adults into my living room, where they sang them through an "R" rated version of The Hokey Pokey. And the Relief Society went downstairs and watched Big Love. We concluded the following: 1. Bill is much sexier now that he's morphed into Mitt Romney. 2. We love Margene for alerting people to the needs of nymphomaniacs. 3. We suspect that Tommy might be a vampire. That scene in the sweat lodge -- you could tell he wanted to suck Barb's blood. 4. Teeny is headed for a break down.

Eventually we closed without a prayer and without any regrets over missing Fast and Testimony Meeting. Do remember, my dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth, that we get together every month. I will send a reminder. Oh! I will also send a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade to Millie Loomis. Lord knows it can only do her good.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Mormon Spy Bravely Infiltrates the Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self appointed ward media critic
Subject: Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party

Having finally recovered from my traumatizing Julie and Julia experience, and upon hearing the buzz about the Superbowl party at the Bantas, I decided it was time for me to return to duty as your media watchdog. I armed myself with my temple garments and the Holy Ghost, disguised myself as an ex-Mormon, and infiltrated enemy lines. I had no trouble locating the target, as this poster-sized sacrilege hung by the entrance:

I activated my hidden camera, stormed up the stairs and pushed through the door. The party was already in full swing. I paused in the entryway and scouted the territory, then moved into the living room, where a seemingly charming couple invited me to sit. Their charm quickly evaporated, however, when they launched into a tirade over polygamy, temple blood oaths, the Lamanite Placement Program, and Prop. 8. The usual blather. Typical ex-Mormons. Exaggerating a few personal slights, then drowning their sorrows in copious amounts of Diet Dr. Pepper. Sad.

I relocated to the kitchen, where more of the enemy were encamped. I struggled to maintain my cover while they drank, caroused and blasphemed the Lord's anointed without apology. It was a scene too vile and gluttonous to describe. Fortunately I captured some of it on film. (Extreme caution advised.)

A quick perusal of the ice bucket proved what I already suspected. There were no Mormon-friendly beverages. I headed downstairs to the den. Finally, some red-blooded American males watching football. Steve offered me something called a Mike's Lemonade. Had to admit it was quite tasty. Jerry and Larry seemed amused when I took a second, then a third gulp. Meanwhile, Mark gave me the once over. No doubt undressing me with his eyes. After all, what could I expect at a thing like this. I found a chair across the room and turned my attention to the game. My late husband, Bishop Loomis, used to cheer for the BYU, and he liked a good tart lemonade as well. But before I could begin enjoying myself, an obscene Dockers ad startled me back to duty, and I retreated up the stairs.

Bleary-eyed Sarah sat on a bar stool throwing back shots of Gatorade. I left her to her private gulag.

Instead, I joined Donna and Cheryl who were deciding on which chick flick to watch on the kitchen TV. Wholesome movie buff that I am, I immediately suggested Beauty and the Beast. They shot it down. I compromised with something edgier, The Princess Diaries. But . . . no. That was not in their plans. Cheryl popped in Julie and Julia, and flipped ahead to where Julia Child compares a piece of tubular pasta to a man's -- you know.

"It's my favorite part," said Cheryl. "I like to look at it over and over again."

My cheeks burned as I watched the revolting scene play, rewind, then play again.

"Hey Cheryl," Donna called. She pulled a box of manicotti from her cupboard. "Let's see if she's right."

I walked out.

Thankfully, there were no other active members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward present at last evening's party/kitchen orgy. Nor should any of us attend these soirees in the future. (Except to gather further ammunition against the enemy, and maybe drink some more of that super yummy lemonade.)

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Sister Loomis's reimbursement request along with her receipt from the Abbottsville Leather, Latex and Fetish Factory, where she purchased her ex-Mormon disguise.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party -- Visitors Welcome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Superbowl Party

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, since you are kind enough to include me on your e-mail list, I've decided to include you in the following:

Postmormon Superbowl Party
Sunday, February 7, 2010

Hey Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

Tired of sitting through mind-numbing meetings while the game records on DVD? Don't want to wait until 12:01 AM Monday for the kick-off? Then hang at my house with actual fun people, watch the game in real time, throw back a cold one, and root for some real Saints for a change. Be prepared for light-mindedness, loud laughter, and a helluva lot of evil speaking of the Lord's anointed. 
You want to. You know you do.

Please do NOT bring:
Your scriptures
The missionaries
Lesson #5
Scrapbooking paraphernalia 
Your testimony
Neckties and pantyhose
Nu Skin samples
Your righteous indignation
Sister Loomis's gallon sized jar of peaches (I'm still working on the last one.)
A message from The Ensign
Violators will be dealt with by our bouncer, Mark Crawford. Trust me, your garments will not protect you.

Please do bring:
A sense of humor (It's there, you'll find it.)
An open mind (Likewise.)
If possible, some of those super yummy Mormon Funeral Potatoes

No Nursery Provided

See you Sunday!

Monday, February 1, 2010

LDS Young Men are Business as Usual

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Craig Smoot, Ward Executive Secretary
Subject: Young Men's Calendar

Because the Young Men's Presidency has again failed to provide me with a calendar by deadline, I will do my best to speculate on this week's activities.

Monday, February 1: Family Home Evening.

Tuesday, February 2, 7PM Bishop Z's house: Window Washing Service Project. Bring wet suits and super-soaker guns.

Wednesday, February 3, 7PM Abbottsville Chapel: Young Men's Night. 7-7:15: Lesson #5: Identifying the Worthy Poor. 7:15-9:00: Basketball.

Thursday, February 4, 7PM Abbottsville Chapel: Whatever.

Friday, February 5, 6PM Abbottsville Chapel: Dinner Dance with the Young Women. Assignment: Show up. On time. Sans B.O.                                                
Saturday, February 6, 10AM Abbottsville State Park: Young Men's Conference. Agenda: the usual, only this time matches are not allowed during the flatulence competition.

Sunday, February 7, 7PM Abbottsville Chapel: Youth Fireside. Brother Homer Samuelson's talk is entitled, Fighting a Tyranny of Tolerance: the Mormons' Crusade against Gay Marriage in California. Bring your righteous indignation.

Announcement: Brad Miller needs volunteers for the Neighborhood Watch Patrol he is conducting for his Eagle Scout Project. Meet at the church this Saturday at 10 PM. Bring night vision goggles, white shoe polish, and an econo-pack of toilet paper.

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