Thursday, March 29, 2012

Pssst, Abbottsville 4th! Skip The Talks This Year.

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: April Fool's Day Conference

Mark and I are pleased to invite the entire Abbottsville Fourth to our Post-Mormon party on Sunday, April 1. Join us in honoring the fools who grace the podium at the LDS Conference Center. Out of fairness, we'll tune into the afternoon session. But the Brethren will have to compete with the usual lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed -- fueled, of course, by copious amounts of alcohol and damned good food. Worried about missing the talks? No problem! Read the following and be edified for the next six months.

Generic General Conference Talk

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:
a. persecution.
b. pretty blue flowers.
c. your filthy minds.

In these perilous times, many saints have left the fold because:
a. they don't like our ties.
b. they have been corrupted by the vast anti-Mormon conspiracy that is made up of historians, scientists, the mainstream press, primetime TV, Hollywood, and the Broadway Stage.
c. they listened to Romney's last speech.

In order to reverse this trend, the Brethren have decided to:
a. open a world class shopping mall.
b. increase baptisms for the dead.
c. develop a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
a. Uncle Hyrum who fled the country to practice traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who hunted Uncle Hyrum down, then dug his grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you'll be too depressed to go to musicals.
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

Had enough? Then please join the Post-Mormons, Abbottsville Fourth. . . . You know you want to.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

At 55 He's Finally Lost The Suit

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mark's Annual Birthday Post!

For as far back as he can remember, my husband, Mark, had to wear the suit on Sunday.

November 1959

At 19 he served an LDS mission, and sweated it out in the Indonesian jungle in both the suit and the Mormon temple garments. 

Mark is second from the left

Then he came home, got married, and got a couple of college degrees. Then he got a job. Pretty soon he was wearing the suit plus the garments every day of the week, and for 3+ hours on Sunday. He told himself he was happy. But it was all a lie.

See how he's dying inside?

Eventually he quit going to church. He claimed he quit going because he no longer believed and was opposed to the Mormon leadership's stand on social issues.

But I blame the suit. Also the Mormon underwear.

The reason I blame the suit and the underwear is because last week when I invited him to write the Fantasy Friday post over on White and Delightsome, this is what he came up with:

Scene: Brother Banta is watching a ball game in his boxer shorts and drinking a Steel Reserve. The phone rings, and the bishop’s name appears on the caller ID. Brother Banta puts down his ghetto beer, picks up the receiver, hollers — “NO” – then hangs up. He takes another swig of Steel Reserve.

So what do you think he'll wear for his birthday dinner tonight? His boxer shorts?

Or maybe his birthday suit?


Since we're going to a restaurant, let's hope it's his blue jeans.

Happy birthday honey!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Stake President Addresses The Members' Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

Some of you have expressed disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
  I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
  Authenticity is overrated, and it is not your only choice. You can also marry a nice Mormon girl, stay in the church, and forget that you're gay. Face it, you'll be so busy paying tithing, going to church, doing home teaching, attending the temple, doing genealogy, and scrubbing the ward toilets, you won't have a spare minute to think about sex. Ask any married man in the stake and he'll tell you. -- You only have to squeeze it in once, biannually, in order to impregnate the little woman. 

Dear President Knightly,
  I am employed as a mail carrier. Sometimes, in the grueling heat of summer, I wear normal underwear to work. That's okay, isn't it?
  Thank you, Brother Bacon
Dear Brother Bacon,
  It most certainly is not okay, and I hereby advise all LDS households on your route to keep an eye out for your underwear lines! The only time a temple worthy member may go without his garments is during sports, while bathing, briefly during sex, or if he is starring in an And I'm a Mormon advertisement.

Dear President Knightly,
  Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
  I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
  I am in love with a man who is not LDS. Marrying him would fulfill my wildest dreams. Can we please be together?
  Sincerely, Sister Stacy Bright
Dear Sister Bright,
  Of course you can! So long as he joins the church, pays tithing, goes to all his church meetings, does his home teaching, attends the temple, does his genealogy, and scrubs the ward toilets, you may marry and have your wildest dreams fulfilled.**
  **Once every other year.

Dear President Knightly,
  Is it okay if I take a break from paying tithing so we can repair the family station wagon? It's the only way our family of 7 will be able to take a little trip this summer.
  Sincerely, Brother Hamm
Dear Brother Hamm,
  You don't need to repair the station wagon. Just pack the wife and the camping equipment into your commuter compact, rent one of those jumbo airtight storage containers, and strap the kids to the roof. Problem solved! 

Dear President Knightly,
  My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
  Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we refer you to President Knightly's response to Brother Confused.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

BYU Coed Testifies Before Congress

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: BYU coed makes us proud!

In a stark contrast to the immodest Georgetown student who recently testified in favor of birth control before a Congressional Committee, BYU freshman, Cindi Sneed, offered her own special testimony yesterday:

Official Excerpt from The Congressional Record

Representative X:

Ms. Sneed, you are unmarried and four months pregnant. Nevertheless you oppose insurance coverage for female contraceptives, and approve of mandatory vaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions, is that correct?

Ms. Sneed: 

Yes sir, I believe both would help a girl behave more responsibly. Take me, for example. (pats her swollen belly) Four months ago, Rulon and I were in the backseat of his car reading our scriptures. I had carelessly left the top button of my gingham blouse unbuttoned. So when my bosom began to heave I revealed a hint of cleavage, then the aspirin slipped out from between my knees. When poor Rulon saw that, he became so filled with the spirit that he lost complete control, tore off my denim jumper, and had his way with me. 

It was my fault really.

Representative Y: 

After that you considered an abortion, is that also correct?

Ms. Sneed:

(sniffs and dabs her eyes) When I told Rulon that I was pregnant, he got all offended and quit returning my calls. At the time, I confess that I considered ending the pregnancy.

Representative Z: 

What caused you to change your mind?

Ms. Sneed:

I went to my bishop and he counseled me to have a pelvic exam and a vaginal sonogram.

Representative X: 

I see, then he referred you to a clinic?

Ms. Sneed: 

No, he performed both right there in his office.

Representative Z: 

And after that you had a change of heart?

Ms. Sneed: 

It was a very humbling experience.

Representative Y: 

How do you intend to manage your health care costs in the future?

Ms. Sneed: 

Well, I'm still waiting for Rulon to return my calls. I've written out a six page apology to him on pink paper and decorated it with little glitter hearts and unicorns. Also I baked him his favorite Strawberry Bomb Cake all covered in Cool Whip. That oughta get his attention for sure!

Representative Z: 

Indeed it should. Thank you for your testimony, Ms. Sneed.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you a bottle of aspirin.

And don't forget to vote for X-Mormon of the Year!