BYU Coed Testifies Before Congress

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: BYU coed makes us proud!

In a stark contrast to the immodest Georgetown student who recently testified in favor of birth control before a Congressional Committee, BYU freshman, Cindi Sneed, offered her own special testimony yesterday:

Official Excerpt from The Congressional Record

Representative X:

Ms. Sneed, you are unmarried and four months pregnant. Nevertheless you oppose insurance coverage for female contraceptives, and approve of mandatory vaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions, is that correct?

Ms. Sneed: 

Yes sir, I believe both would help a girl behave more responsibly. Take me, for example. (pats her swollen belly) Four months ago, Rulon and I were in the backseat of his car reading our scriptures. I had carelessly left the top button of my gingham blouse unbuttoned. So when my bosom began to heave I revealed a hint of cleavage, then the aspirin slipped out from between my knees. When poor Rulon saw that, he became so filled with the spirit that he lost complete control, tore off my denim jumper, and had his way with me. 

It was my fault really.

Representative Y: 

After that you considered an abortion, is that also correct?

Ms. Sneed:

(sniffs and dabs her eyes) When I told Rulon that I was pregnant, he got all offended and quit returning my calls. At the time, I confess that I considered ending the pregnancy.

Representative Z: 

What caused you to change your mind?

Ms. Sneed:

I went to my bishop and he counseled me to have a pelvic exam and a vaginal sonogram.

Representative X: 

I see, then he referred you to a clinic?

Ms. Sneed: 

No, he performed both right there in his office.

Representative Z: 

And after that you had a change of heart?

Ms. Sneed: 

It was a very humbling experience.

Representative Y: 

How do you intend to manage your health care costs in the future?

Ms. Sneed: 

Well, I'm still waiting for Rulon to return my calls. I've written out a six page apology to him on pink paper and decorated it with little glitter hearts and unicorns. Also I baked him his favorite Strawberry Bomb Cake all covered in Cool Whip. That oughta get his attention for sure!

Representative Z: 

Indeed it should. Thank you for your testimony, Ms. Sneed.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you a bottle of aspirin.


And don't forget to vote for X-Mormon of the Year!