Wednesday, March 7, 2012

BYU Coed Testifies Before Congress

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: BYU coed makes us proud!

In a stark contrast to the immodest Georgetown student who recently testified in favor of birth control before a Congressional Committee, BYU freshman, Cindi Sneed, offered her own special testimony yesterday:

Official Excerpt from The Congressional Record


Representative X:

Ms. Sneed, you are unmarried and four months pregnant. Nevertheless you oppose insurance coverage for female contraceptives, and approve of mandatory vaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions, is that correct?

Ms. Sneed: 

Yes sir, I believe both would help a girl behave more responsibly. Take me, for example. (pats her swollen belly) Four months ago, Rulon and I were in the backseat of his car reading our scriptures. I had carelessly left the top button of my gingham blouse unbuttoned. So when my bosom began to heave I revealed a hint of cleavage, then the aspirin slipped out from between my knees. When poor Rulon saw that, he became so filled with the spirit that he lost complete control, tore off my denim jumper, and had his way with me. 

It was my fault really.

Representative Y: 

After that you considered an abortion, is that also correct?

Ms. Sneed:

(sniffs and dabs her eyes) When I told Rulon that I was pregnant, he got all offended and quit returning my calls. At the time, I confess that I considered ending the pregnancy.

Representative Z: 

What caused you to change your mind?

Ms. Sneed:

I went to my bishop and he counseled me to have a pelvic exam and a vaginal sonogram.

Representative X: 

I see, then he referred you to a clinic?

Ms. Sneed: 

No, he performed both right there in his office.

Representative Z: 

And after that you had a change of heart?

Ms. Sneed: 

It was a very humbling experience.

Representative Y: 

How do you intend to manage your health care costs in the future?

Ms. Sneed: 

Well, I'm still waiting for Rulon to return my calls. I've written out a six page apology to him on pink paper and decorated it with little glitter hearts and unicorns. Also I baked him his favorite Strawberry Bomb Cake all covered in Cool Whip. That oughta get his attention for sure!

Representative Z: 

Indeed it should. Thank you for your testimony, Ms. Sneed.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you a bottle of aspirin.


And don't forget to vote for X-Mormon of the Year!

10 comments:

  1. Those Mormon hussies are always tempting the boys with their heaving bosoms then losing the aspirins between their knees to boot. Sluts. ::snicker ... yet not without a little emotional pain ; ) ::

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the comment, CD. It's painful for me too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You've got that right CD...always the womans fault.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Um, aspirin? Haha. Hadn't heard of that one before. But don't send me any, I want to keep receiving these emails. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well it can't be the man's fault, now can it? It baffles me that so many right wing men like to be characterized as brutes who have zero self control.

    Becky, the aspirin between the knees scenario was said by the real life Santorum supporter, Foster Friese. Unbelievable. (Glad you still want to get the emails!)

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL! Thank you for at least giving me a reason to laugh at all of the ridiculous stuff going on right now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This one pulled at my heart strings Donna!

    Speaking of sluts and birth control, have you seen this catchy response to Limbaugh? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZK75pXLlbY

    -Ali

    ReplyDelete
  8. jen, I hope the laughter saves our sanity. Speaking of laughter, Ali, that youtube video is great!

    ReplyDelete
  9. "It baffles me that so many right wing men like to be characterized as brutes who have zero self control."

    It baffles me too. It's insulting to men AND women.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No kidding, Ahab. Fortunately I mingle with the vast majority of nice men.

    ReplyDelete