Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Super Fun Ward Transvaginal Ultrasound Activity!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Due to the decline of modest dress at BYU, increased chatter over female reproductive rights, and the scurrilous anti-Mormons in the media who claim Romney isn't a "regular guy," I have decided to maintain the Ward Threat Level at RED.

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

Additionally, because we reside in that infamous hotbed of college-educated snobs, otherwise known as the 9th Circuit, we must take extreme measures to protect our way of life. The feminists, gays, and intellectuals have us surrounded, and they are up to their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating,  sending their kids to college, and advocating that a woman should be in charge of her body.
Desperate times call for desperate actions. For this reason, I have issued the following order:

Every female over the age of 14 is to report to the ward cultural hall this Saturday at 17:00 for a mandatory vaginal sonogram ... 
(The High Priest Quorum should arrive 10 minutes ahead of time to be trained on the machines.)

Sisters, we regret any inconvenience this may cause you. But, for the sake of your dignity, we must insist that you strip from the waist down, slide your feet into the stirrups, spread your thighs, and submit to our Priesthood Authority. We've only your best interests at heart.

Afterward, there will be a super-yummy ward potluck catered by the Relief Society.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those snobs.

Also, don't forget that chanson is still collecting nominations for X-Mormon of the Year!


  1. What do they expect to find in there?

  2. Wow. Screwing over women metaphorically AND literally.

  3. Yes, well, I may have exaggerated just a tad here, but Mormons are definitely not big on boundaries, Ahab.

  4. Hey, why not? It's a great compliment to the mindf***.

    You should win an award for the title to this post alone. Awesome.

  5. Thanks CD! Nobody values women more than the Mormon patriarchy.

  6. Hahahaha! Hilarious!

  7. Never let it be said that the Mormons lag behind the Catholics on any of the really good stuff.

    Hey, how are they on self-flagellation?

  8. Thanks Becky. And Nance, there's no self flagellation, but the 3 hour meetings in those sweaty boxes they call their chapels are certainly torturous.

  9. A pot luck?! I'm there!

    Oh wait...

  10. Right Heather, at least they buy you dinner...oh wait, other way around.