From: President Knightly
Subject: Sensible Romance vs. Worldly Smut
Dear Brethren,
Many of you have asked me if it is appropriate for LDS priesthood holders to take their sweethearts out for Valentine's Day. My answer is an enthusiastic "Yes!" The LDS Church is all about love and romance -- so long as it is sensible romance. Unfortunately, those of us who reside here in the 9th Circuit are continually bombarded with examples of worldly smut. To illustrate the difference between us and them. I have outlined the smut-filled date my next-door neighbor is springing for tonight, and juxtaposed it against the romantic evening I have planned for my eternal mate. It all comes down to this: do you want worldly smut or sensible romance?
His Worldly Smut
Begin with cocktails at a hip new club downtown.
My Sensible Romance
Begin with a word of prayer.
His Worldly Smut
Wander into a little bistro and celebrate their love by sipping wine and dining on a candlelit meal.
My Sensible Romance
Wander over to our kitchen table and celebrate our food storage by sipping dehydrated milk and dining on the last of our freeze dried pork powder.
His Worldly Smut
Go to a movie that features two attractive people who fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after.
My Sensible Romance
Go to a Save Prop 8 rally.
His Worldly Smut
Stop by the local coffee house for a couple of cappuccinos.
My Sensible Romance
Stop by the local Super Target to stock up on Kool-Aid, toilet paper, and other sundry items.
His Worldly Smut
Go back to the house and have headboard banging, over the top, mind-blowing sex.
My Sensible Romance
Go back to the house and:
- if she's ovulating, engage in perfunctory intercourse in the missionary position only, and without removing our temple garments.
- if she's not ovulating, get into our flannel pajamas, sit side by side on the bed, and watch The Best of Boyd K. Packer on KBYU until we fall asleep.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're wallowing in smut.
Happy Valentines Day!
And don't forget to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs in the Brodie Awards!
Polls close Thursday, February 16 at 22:22 Central European Time.
Happy Valentines Day!
And don't forget to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs in the Brodie Awards!
Polls close Thursday, February 16 at 22:22 Central European Time.
Posts
Bring on the smut! Happy Valentine's Day, Donna, and thank you for providing a reliable source of laughs.
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly is pork powder? Is it like ham boullion for soup?
And how about a nice temple session too. That's always good clean Valentines day fun.
ReplyDeleteTop off with dessert from the cafeteria...
Ahab, I think pork powder is a pork substitute that has at least a 10 year shelf life. It could taste okay in soup though. Happy Valentines to you too!
ReplyDeleteHeather, oh yeah, nothing like sitting on opposite sides of the temple covered in a veil/baker's hat to conjure up the romance!
Oh, I hope those BKP reruns include excerpts from Jeffrey R Holland's talk when he explained how sinners (particularly involving those sins of a sexual nature) result in crucifying Jesus all over again. : )
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, CD! I haven't heard that one!
ReplyDeleteAnd no romantic LDS evening would be complete without a little light reading from Miracle of Forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm a worldly slut. Praise Jeezus!
ReplyDelete@Diane, no kidding that'll put them in the mood for a little no tongues procreative sex...or else.
ReplyDeleteJono, to worldly sluts everywhere on this their special day!
haha. Love it. Happy Valentine's day.
ReplyDelete