Friday, December 30, 2011

Abbottsville Mormons Ring in the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: New Year's party and resolutions

Because New Year's Day falls on a Sunday this year, we expect everyone to be in church first thing in the morning. In order to facilitate this, we ask all members of the Abbottsville Stake to set their clocks ahead 3 hours on December 31. That way we can have the annual New Year's Eve party until "midnight" and still get up for church the next day.

We'll party on the eve just like those sinful non-members do in Manhattan. Only it will be better because instead of drinking and reveling until dawn in Times Square, we'll be sitting in the stake center cultural hall. Both feet on the floor. Stone cold sober. Until the stroke of "midnight."

Also, don't forget it's resolution time! Here are a few of the suggestions released by the church correlation committee.

  1. Stay out of debt.
  2. Pay a full tithing.
  3. Get married.
  4. Finish you education.
  5. Start having children.
  6. Use your time wisely.
  7. Attend the temple.
  8. Read the Book of Mormon.
  9. Have more children.
  10. Stop questioning.
  11. Spend money wisely.
  12. Quit your job and be a stay at home mom.
  13. Give like the little stream.
  14. Magnify your calling.
  15. Wear your garments day and night.
  16. Get a new look and take up cool sport like skateboarding so you can star in an "And I'm a Mormon" advertisement.
  17. Repent.
  18. Find joy in living the Gospel.
  19. Avoid all loud laughter.
  20. Know the church is true with every fiber of your being.
  21. Stop being gay.
  22. Use cracked wheat in creative ways.
  23. Have more children.
  24. Read the Book of Mormon again.
  25. Vote Republican.
  26. Stop looking at porn.
  27. Admit you look at porn.
  28. Plant forget-me-nots.
  29. Stop having too much fun.
  30. Have more children.
-- A full list of approved resolutions has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because you're looking at porn, because, let's face it, you probably are.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Celebrating The Season -- Mormon Style

Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 15, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it, also so I could have a little break to eat, drink, be merry, and hopefully gain some inspiration. Enjoy and happy holidays!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Activities Committee
Subject: Holiday Calendar

As Christmas approaches, we remind all in the ward to honor our Savior by attending the following:

Saturday, December 19, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Relief Society Craft Extravaganza. Sisters will make Palmyra nativity scenes and Angel Moroni tree toppers.

Sunday, December 20, 7:00 PM, Stake Center. Living Creche. President Knightly will portray Joseph Smith.

Monday, December 21, 1:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Primary Christmas Party. The children will write letters to Joseph Smith, then decorate hat and peep stone cookies.

Tuesday, December 22, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Screening of It's a Wonderful Life--LDS version. Courtesy of Provo based Moral Movies, Inc., the name of Jimmy Stewart's character has been changed from George Bailey to Joseph Smith.

Wednesday, December 23, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Holiday Pot Luck. After dinner there will be a special visit from "Joseph and his Elves." (Played by Bishop Z and the Beehive class.)

Thursday, December 24, 7:00 PM. Priesthood-only viewing of church produced, The Passion of the Joseph. Rated X for historical accuracy.

Friday, December 25, 7:00 AM. The stake sing-along of Handel's The Joseph.

Also remember to donate generously to the Joseph Smith Annual Giving Fund, benefiting the protection of traditional marriage.

'Tis the Season!

If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, contact the ward financial clerk and have your credit card handy.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday Musings From The Mission Field

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: bon jour from the mission field!!!!

hey abbottsville fourth!!!!

first off, thanks all of you for your letters and care packages!! especially sister renfro for the super yummy yule log, and mom for my favorite snowball cookies with the extra chocolate chunks and marshmellow peeps. my comp says i have the best ward ever!!! 

i was bummed at the beginning of the week when we learnt that our most golden investigator, pierre, can't be baptized b/c his mommy refused to sign the paper. so now he has to wait 10 long years until he's a legal adult. :(((( also, it's christmas and instead of being home with mom and dad and gramma and uncle burt and aunt tooty, i'm here with comp in dumb old paris. then comp reminded me that we were in gay par-ee, and we should be gay!!! but i didn't feel gay. not even a little. :-/

but as a representative of the one and only true church, i had the spiritual maturity to ignore my personal needs and go about the work of the lord. so comp and i put on our happy faces and road our bikes over to the rue st. hornery to pass out pamphlets.

the street was packed with super uppity french people shopping for gifts at hoity toity stores like hermie's and verscratchy. of course they were all to prideful to take a pamphlet, but comp and i didn't let that stop us. we started sticking them anywhere we could, like in people's bags, or under their armpits. comp even managed to attach one to this old lady's hat!!! lol hahahahahaha :-))))) sometimes people got all mad and threw them on the ground, but that was ok cause then the wind just blew them all over france!!!  :-)))))

but here it was almost christmas and all anyone wanted to do was prance around in their gold and silver and fancy clothes and waist there filthy liquor on expensive things instead of listening to our humble message. it kind of reminded me of that Book of Mormon story where all the righteous people were holding onto the rod while the evil hateful ones were living it up in the great and spacious building. then i remembered how in primary class i told teacher that i wanted to climb up the tree of knowledge and swing like tarzan into the building and call everyone to repentance. teacher told me i was cute, but now i realized i was not only cute but also inspired. :-))))))

so comp and i charged into hermie's, pulled the mannequins off this display thingie, climbed up in their place, and i said:

"my fellow parisians, stop spending your filthy liquor on gold and silver and other hoity toity thingies. comp and i have a far more precious gift for you to give, the Book of Mormon!"

then this important looking man came up and demanded we get down from the display thingie. we said we wouldn't and he said we had to and we told him not until we red from the Book of Mormon. he started screaming for us to get down right away. we told him we didn't have to get down b/c we were god's servants and pretty soon we'd be gods ourselves -- while all he'd ever amount to is a lonely eunich way down in a lower kingdome. :-p

then he lunged at our legs. i jumped away and off the display thingie, but he got a hold of comp and said he was taking him to security. i ordered him to release comp. he refused. i raised my right arm to the square and ordered in the name of Jesus Christ. he still refused. so i grabbed a perfume bottle off this counter and sprayed him in the face. he let go of comp and yelled for security. the gendarmes came running through the store and we started running and pretty soon we were in a super cool chase scene like in the davinci code only instead of wonky professors we were valiant servants of the Lord which made us way cooler than tom hanks!!!! :-)))))

this went on for i don't know how long. maybe an hour. then we finally lost them when we ducked behind this curtain. we thought we were safe until we looked up and saw this lady staring at us in nothing but a bra and panties. sacre bleu!!!   = O   she just rolled her eyes and glared at us -- kind of like that horse faced sister missionary does whenever she sees us coming. we placed a Book of Mormon with her then escaped through an emergency exit.

minutes later comp and i found a quiet place in the jardeen de tweeteries, knelt in prayer, and thanked Heavenly Father for our many blessings. not only had we shared the gospel, placed a Book of Mormon and escaped the gendarmes, i still had that perfume bottle!!!! :-)))))) merry christmas mom! hahahaha

all in a day's work for comp and i. please keep sending care packages, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies. hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol 

love to all of you :-))))

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Renfro's super yummy yule logs.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Holiday Talking Points For Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Send the right message this season

As all of you know, the forces of evil have gathered to undermine the campaign of the one and only true candidate, Mitt Romney. If we are to prevail against this anti-Mormon element, we must take control of the message so there is no longer any confusion over how we and the candidate stand on the issues. In that light, the Stake Public Affairs Council has composed a variety of Christmas messages, each crafted for a specific audience. Please divide your holiday cards in the following manner:

To our Evangelical Christian friends:

As members of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints, we celebrate the birth of JESUS CHRIST  by reading our KING JAMES BIBLES and bearing witness to our fellow CHRISTIANS that JESUS CHRIST is our personal savior. We also remind you that Utah is the most conservative state in the country.

Merry CHRISTmas from your brothers and sisters in CHRIST!

To our Tea Party Friends:

As believing Mormons, we pray that 2012 brings lower taxes, an increase in racial profiling, English only in the schools, an end to Obamacare, and a return to the traditional values that made the good old US of A the greatest country on earth. We also remind you that Utah recently passed one of the country's strictest anti-immigration laws.

Merry Christmas to our fellow natural born citizens who aren't afraid of hard work!

To our independent friends:

As devout followers of the faith of our fathers, we hope that the New Year brings an end to polarized politics, the senseless bickering in Washington, and the blurring of the line between church and state. Also don't forget that Utah has "the best snow on earth."

Happy Holidays to our fellow iconoclasts and non-conformists.

To our liberal friends:

As members of an ethnically diverse minority faith, we hope that 2012 brings us closer to the day when everyone is treated equally, regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. We remind you that Utah was one of the first states to give women the vote.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Buon Natale, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Aloha!

To our LDS friends:

Forget Christmas, December marks the birth of our beloved prophet, Joseph Smith. (Jesus's birthday isn't until April.) Also it's tithing settlement time, so instead of buying presents, you need to pony up the dough to your local bishop, and toss in a little extra for good measure. We remind you that the Salt Lake shopping mall the church owns isn't doing so well, and the prophet has a new ad campaign to fund.

Merry and Happy, now get back to work.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you didn't get the memo.