Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Holiday Talking Points For Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Send the right message this season

As all of you know, the forces of evil have gathered to undermine the campaign of the one and only true candidate, Mitt Romney. If we are to prevail against this anti-Mormon element, we must take control of the message so there is no longer any confusion over how we and the candidate stand on the issues. In that light, the Stake Public Affairs Council has composed a variety of Christmas messages, each crafted for a specific audience. Please divide your holiday cards in the following manner:

To our Evangelical Christian friends:

As members of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints, we celebrate the birth of JESUS CHRIST  by reading our KING JAMES BIBLES and bearing witness to our fellow CHRISTIANS that JESUS CHRIST is our personal savior. We also remind you that Utah is the most conservative state in the country.

Merry CHRISTmas from your brothers and sisters in CHRIST!

To our Tea Party Friends:

As believing Mormons, we pray that 2012 brings lower taxes, an increase in racial profiling, English only in the schools, an end to Obamacare, and a return to the traditional values that made the good old US of A the greatest country on earth. We also remind you that Utah recently passed one of the country's strictest anti-immigration laws.

Merry Christmas to our fellow natural born citizens who aren't afraid of hard work!

To our independent friends:

As devout followers of the faith of our fathers, we hope that the New Year brings an end to polarized politics, the senseless bickering in Washington, and the blurring of the line between church and state. Also don't forget that Utah has "the best snow on earth."

Happy Holidays to our fellow iconoclasts and non-conformists.

To our liberal friends:

As members of an ethnically diverse minority faith, we hope that 2012 brings us closer to the day when everyone is treated equally, regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. We remind you that Utah was one of the first states to give women the vote.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Buon Natale, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Aloha!

To our LDS friends:

Forget Christmas, December marks the birth of our beloved prophet, Joseph Smith. (Jesus's birthday isn't until April.) Also it's tithing settlement time, so instead of buying presents, you need to pony up the dough to your local bishop, and toss in a little extra for good measure. We remind you that the Salt Lake shopping mall the church owns isn't doing so well, and the prophet has a new ad campaign to fund.

Merry and Happy, now get back to work.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you didn't get the memo.


  1. Ah, so flip-flopping according to one's audience is a time-honored Mormon tradition.

  2. The everlasting truth of this post astounds me.

  3. Yes, Ahab, as Diana just confirmed. Can't get converts if you don't know your audience.

  4. "The one true candidate"...awesome,


  5. Now I know where Mitt gets his integrity.

  6. @Kriss -- he is truly awesome, and knows it! ;)

    @Paul, yes you could say he comes by it honorably.

  7. I want to bear/bare my testimony that this post is true. And brilliant!

  8. Thanks CD! It is true. Every version of it.