Saturday, February 23, 2013

Temple President Explains Incident (Again)

To the wonderful people who read my blog,
Unfortunately an emergency wine tasting excursion prevents me from forwarding this week's email from the A-4. But I am offering you this "golden oldie" from 2011. Enjoy!

To: Abbottsville Temple District
From: Gordon Skousen, President of the Abbottsville Temple
Subject: The Unfortunate Incident.

On behalf of the Abbottsville Temple Presidency, I wish to convey our heartfelt condolences to the victims of the Abbottsville Temple Tragedy.

As many of you now know, early this morning temple worker Wilbur Simmons stood at the altar to officiate a routine endowment session. It started out as planned. But when it came time for Adam to receive the Aaronic Priesthood, Brother Simmons, who was unaccustomed to his new bifocals, sent the room into chaos when he accidentally hit the fast forward button.

Panic ensued as obedient temple patrons scrambled to robe, disrobe, then re-robe in the Holy Priesthood. -- A break-neck frenzy resulting in strangulation, indecent exposure, heart attack, excitement induced incontinence, and one near casualty by a brother who accidentally slit his own throat.
"The prayer circle got nasty," said Sister Lee Ann Hargen of the Abbottsville First Ward. "There was a lot of rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping. Also, some obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail."
Only the best of feelings should exist within the Prayer Circle.

When played backwards
the temple film is an
episode of South Park.

Perhaps the most far-reaching damage occurred when Brother Simmons, in a desperate attempt to stop the video, hit the rewind key instead. Fortunately, he righted his mistake quickly, but not before a few Satanic messages escaped.

Only three of the session attendees emerged without injury. A thirty-two year old Pilates instructor, and two brethren in the back row who managed to sleep through the entire ordeal.

The Abbottsville Temple will remain closed until the Brethren devise a way to ensure this horrific tragedy never happens again. Among the measures under consideration are safety locks on the fast forward and rewind buttons; speed limit signs; and pressurized session rooms where, in the event of an emergency, the oxygen can be shut off and the occupants pass out.

A special fast in honor of the victims will be held this Sunday. 

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you're incapable of making a sound decision.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Abbottsville 4 Celebrates Valentine's Day According To Guidelines

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Elders Quorum
From: Brett Cummings, Elders Quorum President
Subject: Valentine's Day Guidelines

As you know, the bishop has cancelled all church activities tonight so that the married couples in the ward may enjoy a romantic evening together. Romance is an important part of marriage. The bishop and stake president approve of romance. The Brethren in Salt Lake are all for romance too.--So long as it doesn't get out of hand. For this reason, the Brethren have compiled the OFFICIAL PRIESTHOOD GUIDELINES FOR VALENTINES DAY. 

These inspired rules are essential in our perilous times. 

Anywhere you look tonight you'll no doubt be exposed to the evil influences of worldly couples who are drinking wine, eating rich food, flaunting their scantily clad bodies in bars and dance halls, listening to erotic music, watching sexually explicit films, and reciting crude and pornographic verse they deceptively refer to as love poetry. Then they'll go back to their bedrooms and do goodness knows what just because they love each other!!

Elders, don't let this happen to you.

The OFFICIAL PRIESTHOOD GUIDELINES FOR VALENTINES DAY is available on the church website. It includes a list of suggested activities such as the following:

While it's best to dine at home, we are aware that there are some sisters who don't find cooking to be very romantic. If your wife is one of those sisters, we encourage you to take her out for a meal. However, it is essential that you find an appropriate eatery that is removed from all evil influences. For example, the temple cafeteria, a Chick Fil-A, or the cafe in your local Target. Some grocery stores have decent salad bars, and thrifty couples may opt for the samples at places like Sam's Club or Costco.

If you do go out for a meal, rush home immediately afterward in order to avoid all evil influences, including drunks on the road, riots, and the inevitable public nudity.

At home, offer loving gestures that you wouldn't normally, such as helping her feed, bathe and put the children to bed. 

Once all the chores are complete, set the mood by reciting some scripture to her and then maybe even watching a "mature audience only" film like The RM.   

Then you may retire to your room, and if she's ovulating, commit the sin next to murder--which you are now permitted to engage in because you have been married in the temple. Also because she's ovulating. Also because you aren't going to do goodness knows what just because you love each other.***

Okay, you crazy lovesick lugs! Get ready for a romantic evening with your funny Valentines. PSST--I hope she's ovulating!

***The official definition of "Goodness Knows What Just Because You Love Each Other" has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we hope to goodness we don't run into you at Costco tonight.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Annual Super Bowl/Brodie Award Post

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Yet another sin-filled Fast Sunday and/or why we have them.

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

Once again, while you were sitting half-starved in Fast and Testimony Meeting, apologizing to everyone you've offended and promising yourselves you wouldn't cry, the San Francisco Post-Mormons were living it up in the City! This time at a Super Bowl party at our house!

The main dish, Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon, was prepared ahead of time by the Ecole Des 3 Gourmandes, aka Sarah, Eric and me.
Sarah drying the beef
Eric assembling the stew
Then there was the usual lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self-appointed.

Brace yourself A-4 for some of the most evil and unnatural images you have ever witnessed!

Also there was drinking:

Blurred image thanks to blurred condition of photographer and her subjects
Over the years my dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward have posed the question, "Why do Ex-Mormons have get togethers?" I actually get that from people who have never been Mormon too, but for an entirely different reason. 

In the case of the LDS believer, the question is rhetorical and not worth the effort of an answer. Every good Mormon in the A-4 already knows that the San Francisco Post-Mormons are card-carrying members of Satan's minions who have banded together to destroy the one and only true church!
One of these minions left her coat at my house
But for the individuals who come from healthy, mainstream religious traditions, the question is sincere, although the answer is somewhat bizarre. You see, there are an alarming number of believing Mormons who cannot fathom the idea of a responsible, thinking adult making a conscientious decision to leave the LDS Church. He/she must be a card-carrying member of Satan's minions who ... well, you get it.

This is also why so many Ex-Mormons write books and blogs. Which is why every year Main Street Plaza hosts the Brodie's!! Ward Gossip has been nominated again in several categories. Even more exciting, my novel, The Girls From Fourth Ward, has been nominated for best LDS themed fiction book!

Also nominated are the talented writers and artists at A Post-Mormon Life, The Gay Dot, ExMormon Reddit, ExMormon Hymnal, Runtu's Rincon, Wheat and Tares, The LDS Stake President, Irresistable (Dis)grace, Letters from A Broad, FLAK, Feminist Mormon Housewives, ExMormon Mavens, The Cotton Floozy, Polygamy Chic, and too many more to mention!

If you haven't already go HERE and vote in the Brodies! But hurry, polls close today, February 5, at 4:00 p.m. PST (February 6, 1:00 a.m. Swiss time).