Thursday, February 14, 2013

Abbottsville 4 Celebrates Valentine's Day According To Guidelines

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Elders Quorum
From: Brett Cummings, Elders Quorum President
Subject: Valentine's Day Guidelines

As you know, the bishop has cancelled all church activities tonight so that the married couples in the ward may enjoy a romantic evening together. Romance is an important part of marriage. The bishop and stake president approve of romance. The Brethren in Salt Lake are all for romance too.--So long as it doesn't get out of hand. For this reason, the Brethren have compiled the OFFICIAL PRIESTHOOD GUIDELINES FOR VALENTINES DAY. 

These inspired rules are essential in our perilous times. 

Anywhere you look tonight you'll no doubt be exposed to the evil influences of worldly couples who are drinking wine, eating rich food, flaunting their scantily clad bodies in bars and dance halls, listening to erotic music, watching sexually explicit films, and reciting crude and pornographic verse they deceptively refer to as love poetry. Then they'll go back to their bedrooms and do goodness knows what just because they love each other!!

Elders, don't let this happen to you.

The OFFICIAL PRIESTHOOD GUIDELINES FOR VALENTINES DAY is available on the church website. It includes a list of suggested activities such as the following:

While it's best to dine at home, we are aware that there are some sisters who don't find cooking to be very romantic. If your wife is one of those sisters, we encourage you to take her out for a meal. However, it is essential that you find an appropriate eatery that is removed from all evil influences. For example, the temple cafeteria, a Chick Fil-A, or the cafe in your local Target. Some grocery stores have decent salad bars, and thrifty couples may opt for the samples at places like Sam's Club or Costco.

If you do go out for a meal, rush home immediately afterward in order to avoid all evil influences, including drunks on the road, riots, and the inevitable public nudity.

At home, offer loving gestures that you wouldn't normally, such as helping her feed, bathe and put the children to bed. 

Once all the chores are complete, set the mood by reciting some scripture to her and then maybe even watching a "mature audience only" film like The RM.   

Then you may retire to your room, and if she's ovulating, commit the sin next to murder--which you are now permitted to engage in because you have been married in the temple. Also because she's ovulating. Also because you aren't going to do goodness knows what just because you love each other.***

Okay, you crazy lovesick lugs! Get ready for a romantic evening with your funny Valentines. PSST--I hope she's ovulating!

***The official definition of "Goodness Knows What Just Because You Love Each Other" has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we hope to goodness we don't run into you at Costco tonight.

10 comments:

  1. Ha! Love it, wish I was ovulating so we could commit that sin next to murder! I'll have to settle for Costco samples and perhaps Saturday's Warrior. Editing out the "Zero Population" part of course, what nonsense.

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  2. Haha! Happy Valentine's Day, you crazy kids!

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  3. I'm all for public nudity, but you won't see much at these temperatures! Even if she is ovulating!

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  4. Well, Jono, there are all kinds of creative ways to keep warm--if you don't have to adhere to church guidelines, that is. :)

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  5. "...the temple cafeteria, a Chick Fil-A, or the cafe in your local Target."

    The air is thick with romance, I tell you.

    "If you do go out for a meal, rush home immediately afterward in order to avoid all evil influences, including drunks on the road, riots, and the inevitable public nudity."

    Drunk nekkid people rioting in the middle of the road at night is a huge problem in my area, so I have to drive carefully whenever I work late. I find that offering them free coffee, Richard Dawkins books, and other sinfully vile sundries causes them to disperse, however.

    "...if she's ovulating, commit the sin next to murder--which you are now permitted to engage in because you have been married in the temple."

    Catholicism and conservative evangelicalism have a similar take on sex. How does sexuality go from being a heinous, dirty sin to a blessed union just by exchanging rings?

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  6. Ahab, good point, it doesn't. It's pretty hard for people who buy into the fundamentalist view on sex to all of a sudden change their outlook after marriage.

    Drive carefully--lol.

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  7. Wait... the RM is a real movie?

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  8. Seriously, if my Uncle Mahonri were to read this, on the next occasion he was obligated to take his wife out for a meal, it would be to the free sample sections of Costco or Sam's Club. That is, unless he's already thought of it and is already doing it.

    Do you know my Uncle Mahonri? Did he give you that idea?

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  9. Alexis, I believe I do know your Uncle Mahonri--even though we've never met. :)

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