From: Brett Cummings, Elders Quorum President
Subject: Valentine's Day Guidelines
As you know, the bishop has cancelled all church activities tonight so that the married couples in the ward may enjoy a romantic evening together. Romance is an important part of marriage. The bishop and stake president approve of romance. The Brethren in Salt Lake are all for romance too.--So long as it doesn't get out of hand. For this reason, the Brethren have compiled the OFFICIAL PRIESTHOOD GUIDELINES FOR VALENTINES DAY.
Anywhere you look tonight you'll no doubt be exposed to the evil influences of worldly couples who are drinking wine, eating rich food, flaunting their scantily clad bodies in bars and dance halls, listening to erotic music, watching sexually explicit films, and reciting crude and pornographic verse they deceptively refer to as love poetry. Then they'll go back to their bedrooms and do goodness knows what just because they love each other!!
The OFFICIAL PRIESTHOOD GUIDELINES FOR VALENTINES DAY is available on the church website. It includes a list of suggested activities such as the following:
While it's best to dine at home, we are aware that there are some sisters who don't find cooking to be very romantic. If your wife is one of those sisters, we encourage you to take her out for a meal. However, it is essential that you find an appropriate eatery that is removed from all evil influences. For example, the temple cafeteria, a Chick Fil-A, or the cafe in your local Target. Some grocery stores have decent salad bars, and thrifty couples may opt for the samples at places like Sam's Club or Costco.
If you do go out for a meal, rush home immediately afterward in order to avoid all evil influences, including drunks on the road, riots, and the inevitable public nudity.
At home, offer loving gestures that you wouldn't normally, such as helping her feed, bathe and put the children to bed.
Once all the chores are complete, set the mood by reciting some scripture to her and then maybe even watching a "mature audience only" film like The RM.
Then you may retire to your room, and if she's ovulating, commit the sin next to murder--which you are now permitted to engage in because you have been married in the temple. Also because she's ovulating. Also because you aren't going to do goodness knows what just because you love each other.***
Okay, you crazy lovesick lugs! Get ready for a romantic evening with your funny Valentines. PSST--I hope she's ovulating!
***The official definition of "Goodness Knows What Just Because You Love Each Other" has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we hope to goodness we don't run into you at Costco tonight.