Thursday, April 19, 2012

Why A Mormon Should Be President

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: The case for a Mormon presidency

Recently, when Mitt Romney suggested that he relied on his wife to keep him informed on women's issues, he drew criticism from a radical feminist commentator who claimed that Sister Romney had "never worked a day in her life." This attack gave the Romney campaign a prime opportunity to condemn the evil cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who are waging the real war on women.

But it also provided us with another opportunity. That is, it's given us a chance to show America why a Mormon president -- and only a Mormon president -- is uniquely equipped to fix our failing economy.

Unlike worldly non-member statesmen, an LDS president would never blow taxpayer money on some high priced, snobby academic to advise him on women's issues. After all, he has his wife, who's never earned a dime in her life. Likewise, when it comes to advice on other issues, he has the folks in his ward, who don't expect a plug nickel.

Think about it. What if the next president came from the Abbottsville Fourth? Imagine all the free talent he could draw on. For example, Brother Bromley, who's installed the sprinkler systems for every homeowner in the ward; Brother Dale, who makes those cool birdhouses; Brother Turley who lays concrete; and Sister Spencer, who just certified to teach ESL classes. Put their minds to work, and a thrifty LDS commander and chief could eliminate the entire Department of Housing and Urban Development, and at least half of the Department of Education.

As for manning the State Department, no problemo! Nobody has a bigger world view than we do. Brother Harold served a mission in South Korea, I went to Bogota, the Newsome's just got back from one of those Disney cruises, and Elder Young is in the mission field as we speak, busily converting France.

But we'd want to be careful here, about the whole -- you know -- diversity thing. We wouldn't want to appear insensitive. Luckily, nothing is more diverse than a Mormon ward. Here in the Abbottsville Fourth there's Hermano Velasquez, whose home grown chili peppers would make him a shoe-in for Agriculture. Also Brother Pukahi, whose skill with the ukelele ought to land him the VP spot. Then there's Brother Gibson, who isn't married ... or dating. We'd fit him in as well. (So long as he's celibate.)

If we needed to, we could draw more representation from the stake, region, and across the country, without any bias toward race, gender, or sexual orientation.  -- So long as they're all Mormons, of course.

If this does come to pass, our government will be like one giant lay priesthood. It won't cost a dime, and will be worth every penny. Best of all, every American citizen will be living the rich and fulfilling life of a Latter-day Saint -- whether they are one or not.

-- Although we might not want to put it that way. --

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may be missing out on a key cabinet position.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

It's Our Moment!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: the Mormon Moment

Romney has all but clinched the Republican nomination, and it is truly the Mormon Moment. Never before in its history has the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taken such a forefront on the international stage. At long last, people far and wide will have the opportunity to view a clear and accurate portrayal of the Mormons, our beliefs, and what our organization stands for. And, as I'm sure all of you know...

-- This absolutely can not happen --

It is essential that we are prepared to field those inevitable "gotcha questions" from the community and the media. We advise all ward members to memorize the following talking points:
  • I won't talk about the doctrines of my religion. 
  • No. Next question.
  • We love gays.
  • I know all about women's issues because I have to listen to my wife.
  • We're just not going to have a discussion about religion in my view.
  • Want to borrow my King James Bible?
  • We love women.
  • I'm a strong believer of the faith of my fathers.
  • I'm as liberal as the next guy.
  • Don't go there.
  • Did you know that Orem, Utah is Family City USA?
  • We love blacks.
  • I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
  • We don't want a pastor-in-cheif. 
  • Because they were offended and wanted to sin.
  • Want to see my tattoo?
  • I never tap-danced on my mission. Not even once.
  • We're not a weird people.
  • Want me to do your genealogy?
  • Guess what! I just won a skateboard competition.
  • I don't even want my own planet.
  • Believe me buddy, ONE wife's already more than I can handle! -- Snort.
  • Why can't people just leave us alone?
  • I don't know that we teach that.
  • We've always had our enemies.
  • That's a lie!
  • No hablo Ingles.
The above responses have been successfully tested in numerous focus groups. However if, for some reason, they fail to work, just cover your ears and sing out America the Beautiful.

Vote for Romney!
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the answer is NO. Next question.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Another General Conference Feast

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: General Conference was super yummy!

Last October, I took a trip to Utah to visit friends and family, take in the beauty of Sundance Canyon, attend another awesome Ex-Mormon Conference, and visit the prestigious food storage mecca, Shelf Reliance, where I purchased a freeze dried entree for a future potluck at my house. Since the #10 size can had a 5 year shelf life, there was no rush to set a date. So we waited for the obvious occasion to roll around: The 182nd Semi-Annual Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, held (appropriately) on April 1.

It was the perfect pairing! Think of it this way:

Movie -- Coke and popcorn.

Ball game -- Beer and hot dogs.

General Conference -- Jell-O and dehydrated chicken flakes.

Just add water -- or snack on it dry!
Ali and Eric brought the Jell-O!

Now the world would have you believe that preparing a chicken dinner means going all the way to the store for hoity toity ingredients with virtually no shelf life:
Only available at high end supermarkets
Then roasting it for over an hour in a hot oven:
Tastes okay tonight, but what about 5 years from now?

But thanks to the staff in my Post-Mormon Test Kitchen, we've learned that it's much easier to grab a can from your food storage, add water, and, in no time flat have this:
Delicious for a decade.

But wait there's more! After dinner, we went on to dessert. Our pastry chef, Sarah, prepared two batches of brownies: one using hot water and a freeze-dried brownie mix; the other using a "from scratch" recipe she found in that venerable academic review, BYU Magazine. 
She conducted a blind taste test:
Sarah was way scientific.
Guess what?! The freeze dried batch won.
(More proof that girls don't need to go to college.)

For good measure, we did have conference on in the background. But everyone agreed that the 182nd was a major snore-fest. We concluded that the Brethren were doing their best to avoid interfering with the Romney Campaign. (If that's the case, does it mean they actually know how obnoxious their opinions are?)

In addition to crazy GA's, we also discussed crazy Mormon exes, crazy Mormon parents, crazy Mormon siblings, crazy Mormon friends, and crazy Mormon ex-friends. Also the long suffering nice Mormons who put up with us, and the sneaky and ingenious Mormons we admire. For example, the girl whose mom and dad would only pay for BYU. Instead of caving, she took a year off, holed up in her room in her parents' house, and earned $ for "gentile college" by doing Playboy webcam videos. -- Talk about self-reliance!

We also reflected on how happy we are to have Sundays free in the great city of San Francisco. And we enjoyed an array of worldly beverages and damned good food -- along with light-mindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed.

In closing, it was indeed a spiritual feast.