Why A Mormon Should Be President

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: The case for a Mormon presidency

Recently, when Mitt Romney suggested that he relied on his wife to keep him informed on women's issues, he drew criticism from a radical feminist commentator who claimed that Sister Romney had "never worked a day in her life." This attack gave the Romney campaign a prime opportunity to condemn the evil cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who are waging the real war on women.

But it also provided us with another opportunity. That is, it's given us a chance to show America why a Mormon president -- and only a Mormon president -- is uniquely equipped to fix our failing economy.

Unlike worldly non-member statesmen, an LDS president would never blow taxpayer money on some high priced, snobby academic to advise him on women's issues. After all, he has his wife, who's never earned a dime in her life. Likewise, when it comes to advice on other issues, he has the folks in his ward, who don't expect a plug nickel.

Think about it. What if the next president came from the Abbottsville Fourth? Imagine all the free talent he could draw on. For example, Brother Bromley, who's installed the sprinkler systems for every homeowner in the ward; Brother Dale, who makes those cool birdhouses; Brother Turley who lays concrete; and Sister Spencer, who just certified to teach ESL classes. Put their minds to work, and a thrifty LDS commander and chief could eliminate the entire Department of Housing and Urban Development, and at least half of the Department of Education.

As for manning the State Department, no problemo! Nobody has a bigger world view than we do. Brother Harold served a mission in South Korea, I went to Bogota, the Newsome's just got back from one of those Disney cruises, and Elder Young is in the mission field as we speak, busily converting France.

But we'd want to be careful here, about the whole -- you know -- diversity thing. We wouldn't want to appear insensitive. Luckily, nothing is more diverse than a Mormon ward. Here in the Abbottsville Fourth there's Hermano Velasquez, whose home grown chili peppers would make him a shoe-in for Agriculture. Also Brother Pukahi, whose skill with the ukelele ought to land him the VP spot. Then there's Brother Gibson, who isn't married ... or dating. We'd fit him in as well. (So long as he's celibate.)

If we needed to, we could draw more representation from the stake, region, and across the country, without any bias toward race, gender, or sexual orientation.  -- So long as they're all Mormons, of course.

If this does come to pass, our government will be like one giant lay priesthood. It won't cost a dime, and will be worth every penny. Best of all, every American citizen will be living the rich and fulfilling life of a Latter-day Saint -- whether they are one or not.

-- Although we might not want to put it that way. --

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