Thursday, April 19, 2012

Why A Mormon Should Be President

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: The case for a Mormon presidency

Recently, when Mitt Romney suggested that he relied on his wife to keep him informed on women's issues, he drew criticism from a radical feminist commentator who claimed that Sister Romney had "never worked a day in her life." This attack gave the Romney campaign a prime opportunity to condemn the evil cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who are waging the real war on women.

But it also provided us with another opportunity. That is, it's given us a chance to show America why a Mormon president -- and only a Mormon president -- is uniquely equipped to fix our failing economy.

Unlike worldly non-member statesmen, an LDS president would never blow taxpayer money on some high priced, snobby academic to advise him on women's issues. After all, he has his wife, who's never earned a dime in her life. Likewise, when it comes to advice on other issues, he has the folks in his ward, who don't expect a plug nickel.

Think about it. What if the next president came from the Abbottsville Fourth? Imagine all the free talent he could draw on. For example, Brother Bromley, who's installed the sprinkler systems for every homeowner in the ward; Brother Dale, who makes those cool birdhouses; Brother Turley who lays concrete; and Sister Spencer, who just certified to teach ESL classes. Put their minds to work, and a thrifty LDS commander and chief could eliminate the entire Department of Housing and Urban Development, and at least half of the Department of Education.

As for manning the State Department, no problemo! Nobody has a bigger world view than we do. Brother Harold served a mission in South Korea, I went to Bogota, the Newsome's just got back from one of those Disney cruises, and Elder Young is in the mission field as we speak, busily converting France.

But we'd want to be careful here, about the whole -- you know -- diversity thing. We wouldn't want to appear insensitive. Luckily, nothing is more diverse than a Mormon ward. Here in the Abbottsville Fourth there's Hermano Velasquez, whose home grown chili peppers would make him a shoe-in for Agriculture. Also Brother Pukahi, whose skill with the ukelele ought to land him the VP spot. Then there's Brother Gibson, who isn't married ... or dating. We'd fit him in as well. (So long as he's celibate.)

If we needed to, we could draw more representation from the stake, region, and across the country, without any bias toward race, gender, or sexual orientation.  -- So long as they're all Mormons, of course.

If this does come to pass, our government will be like one giant lay priesthood. It won't cost a dime, and will be worth every penny. Best of all, every American citizen will be living the rich and fulfilling life of a Latter-day Saint -- whether they are one or not.

-- Although we might not want to put it that way. --

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may be missing out on a key cabinet position.


  1. Those poor Mormons must be exhausted just providing free labor and services on their bishop's orders. If a Mormon becomes president, they won't have time to sleep, with all the freebies they'll be forced to provide!

  2. True Ahab. I could make the case that a Mormon doesn't have time to be president.

  3. Jon Stewart has a nice clip about the whole "she hasn't worked a day in her life" fiasco. It shows Ann Romney asserting that she made a choice to stay at home and raise her children, and (here's the fun part): A woman's right to choose should be protected and respected (lol).

    The same bit showed Mitt when he asserted that when a mother's child reaches 2-years-old, she should get a job. Because even though daycare would cost the government more, he doesn't want mothers missing out on the dignity of working.

    So (and as Jon Stewart pointed out), Ann apparently has no dignity. Right?

  4. Too funny. Jon Stewart sure has good material with Romney. He has been on all sides of just about every issue. Also, his social skills are bizarrely inept. Did you see him yesterday, criticizing the cookies somebody served him?

  5. Hittin' that "Share this on Facebook" button. I was counting on you; none of us non-LDS types dare to risk our liberal PC status, but you can not only get away with it, you can slam dunk it!

  6. I saw the cookie gaffe. The man has no social skills. How difficult is it to say "thank you" and to be gracious? Well, if you're a narcissist, it's pretty damn difficult.

    I've decided that's one of the fundamental character differences between Romney and Obama: Empathy comes naturally to Obama where Romney is a narcissist and thus has no empathy (and his belief system, aka Mormonism, is also very narcissistic as you know).

    His wife is little better: "Yeah, we struggled in college so much we had to sell off some of our stock portfolio ..." Uh yeah. Haven't we all been there? Unfortunately for Romney, empathy is not something he can be taught. This is a huge advantage for Obama.

    I'm speculating on the delicious thought that Team Obama has developed a psychological profile of their narcissistic opponent, the presumptive GOP nominee. And they are licking their chops in between bouts of laughing their asses off.

  7. I know, Romney is truly painful to listen to. He feels so entitled -- I assume you also heard Ann say, "It's our turn."

  8. This is funny stuff right here... I especially appreciate you fitting in the single man. That is magnanimous of you... And at the same time, Please don't promote Romney even in jest... That man makes me ill.

    And now, I must go find this Jon Stewart clip. "A woman's right to choose should be protected and respected." Awesome!

  9. Thanks, jen. Don't worry, no Romney fans here. :)

  10. Mitt criticized free cookies? Okay, tell me more. I've got to hear this story.

  11. I'm afraid so, Ahab. Here's a link to a WSJ story about the "cookie controversy."

  12. Donna -- What a jerk! Where did that rudeness come from? Oh wait ... he's a high-ranking Mormon male. I forgot.

    I hope Cookie Monster backs Obama over this! :)

  13. I think he's so used to people laughing at his jokes, that he doesn't bother to make them funny, or in good taste. (sigh)