Thursday, April 12, 2012

It's Our Moment!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: the Mormon Moment

Romney has all but clinched the Republican nomination, and it is truly the Mormon Moment. Never before in its history has the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taken such a forefront on the international stage. At long last, people far and wide will have the opportunity to view a clear and accurate portrayal of the Mormons, our beliefs, and what our organization stands for. And, as I'm sure all of you know...

-- This absolutely can not happen --

It is essential that we are prepared to field those inevitable "gotcha questions" from the community and the media. We advise all ward members to memorize the following talking points:
  • I won't talk about the doctrines of my religion. 
  • No. Next question.
  • We love gays.
  • I know all about women's issues because I have to listen to my wife.
  • We're just not going to have a discussion about religion in my view.
  • Want to borrow my King James Bible?
  • We love women.
  • I'm a strong believer of the faith of my fathers.
  • I'm as liberal as the next guy.
  • Don't go there.
  • Did you know that Orem, Utah is Family City USA?
  • We love blacks.
  • I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
  • We don't want a pastor-in-cheif. 
  • Because they were offended and wanted to sin.
  • Want to see my tattoo?
  • I never tap-danced on my mission. Not even once.
  • We're not a weird people.
  • Want me to do your genealogy?
  • Guess what! I just won a skateboard competition.
  • I don't even want my own planet.
  • Believe me buddy, ONE wife's already more than I can handle! -- Snort.
  • Why can't people just leave us alone?
  • I don't know that we teach that.
  • We've always had our enemies.
  • That's a lie!
  • No hablo Ingles.
The above responses have been successfully tested in numerous focus groups. However if, for some reason, they fail to work, just cover your ears and sing out America the Beautiful.

Vote for Romney!
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the answer is NO. Next question.


  1. Oh, but if you do sing "America the Beautiful," be sure to set it to DJ Steve Porter's music. ;D

  2. Mike and I just passed through Utah County on our way home from Southern Utah. We passed an annoying white minivan going less than the speed limit in the HOV/fast lane. These feel so entitled to use that lane and hold everyone else up, despite the fact that the it's completely unnecessary -- plenty of room in the slower lanes that were going faster.

    The van also had about 8-10 of those cartoon people decals on the back window (those super cute/ridiculous/absurd/tacky - choose your fav) representing all the kids; a huge blue decal of a BYU football helmet above the back bumper, and a Vote for Romney/Romney 2012 bumper sticker.

    A perfect metaphor for the folks who are voting for Romney? I think so! Mike and I both burst out laughing. No words required.

  3. LOL That's his demographic, all right.