Friday, February 28, 2014

Recognizing The Gay Agenda

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: Hollywood and The Gay Agenda

Recently a brave Mormon woman fell under intense fire for calling the movie, Frozen, a tool of The Gay Agenda. Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Because while Frozen screams gay to most faithful Latter-day Saints, the nonmember community has been fooled into believing the opposite.

Thoroughly brainwashed by TGA, the army of non-Mormon sycophants argues that the Disney movie is a brilliantly conceived masterpiece that merely encourages children to be themselves. Lame, I know, but we must remember that these poor confused souls are merely pawns of The Vast Homosexual/Transgender Conspiracy.

Bottom line, The Gay Agenda will stop at nothing in its ruthless advance toward its ultimate goal: Turning the whole world GAY!

Hungry for more recruits, The Gay Agenda continues to infiltrate the mainstream media via seemingly talented, intelligent, and accomplished celebrities, statesmen, philanthropists, corporate heads, so-called religious leaders, and a host of other unfortunate lemmings whom it's tricked into championing its cause.

That's because The Gay Agenda is not above employing humility, scientific fact, poise, logic, reason, and other sneaky, underhanded anti-Mormon tactics.

Thanks to them, Frozen, has made record sales at the box office. Also these other totally gay movies:
  • American Hustle -- a thinly-veiled vehicle of The Gay Agenda, its leading man parades around in a girly-wig. 
Look at me! I'm gay!!!!
  • Despicable Me 2 -- a so-called family-friendly film, it features "mutilated minions," a non-gender specific "TNT loaded shark rocket" and ends with a bouncy rendition of "Y.M.C.A." How gay is that?!!
  • Captain Phillips -- starring Tom Hanks (that's just gay to begin with) and a bunch of men in close confines waving their pistols. (Do you see how sneaky they are?)
  • Monuments Men -- Another group of pansy men -- only this time they're all oo-ing and aw-ing over art. Well, Cate Blanchett is in it too, only she's the manliest of them all.  
Can you tell the boys from the girls? I can't.
  • Blue Jasmine -- Yet another effort from that famous pawn of TGA, Woody Allen, who has devoted his career to normalizing immorality. I know. I've seen every one of his films. At least twice.
And then to top it off, this Sunday's Oscars will be hosted by a lesbian. As a public service, I intend to watch the entire show. Just so I can tell everyone how GAY it is. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you've been exposed to too many scientific facts.

Also click here to read another great review of The Girls from Fourth Ward and here and here for two more "thumbs ups" for False Prophet!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Musings From Beyond The Mission Field--First Stop London!

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: the world is our campus!

dear abbottsville fourth,

in my last email i wrote about how excited i am to be coming home and giving my missionary return talk. and i know how excited all of you are about hearing it. but it's going to have to wait, b/c comp's and my stake president got together and decided to release us online if we promised to stay out of the states for at least another 6 months! :-))))))

we were so excited we did a little happy dance all over the mission home. then we were kind of bummed b/c the mission president didn't like the idea. but rather than give up, we mustered all of our spirichal maturity dropped to our knees and begged "please please please, president, PULEEZE!" he finally agreed if we promised to leave france. we were like, DUH, why would we stay in france? after 2 years here on the Lord's errand we were already the ultimate frankofiles!!!! :)))))))))

so comp and i arrived in london yesterday and checked into this hostel run by this sweet old lady named Mrs. Hathaway who right off asked if we might like a spot of tea. we of course answered that no way would we ever partake of something so vile and sinful--but we said it nicely b/c we knew she meant well.

then we set out to have the typical london experience: we walked across Hide Park and hollered "pip pip and cheerio" to the everyone we met, and then headed over to buckingham palace where we leapt around and made silly faces at the queen's guards for an hour or so. after that we hit an authentic london pub. :-))))))))

DON'T WORRY A-4!!! we didn't drink any alcohol, i promise. :-O all we had was this super yummy cider--like 5 or 6 cups cuz all that leaping around had made us way thirsty. after that we started feeling the spirit really strong, in fact i was so swept up in it that all i can remember is standing on the bar and baring my testimony, then baring it again while dangling over the shoulder of this big huge dude named nigel. then again while comp and me were crawling up Mrs. Hathaway's front steps. it was way spirichal.

we woke up this morning on the floor of her lobby covered in blankets. Mrs. H was standing over us. she asked if we might like a spot of tea. we said no, only not as nicely this time b/c it was then obvious that she doesn't respect our standards. :-///////

i'm sorry A-4, i know how anxious you are to hear me share all my sacred mission experiences in church, but comp and i just cant pass up an opportunity to see all of europe. imagine how even better my talk will be when i get back!!! i'll be like the ward's official citizen of the world.   :-)))))))

love, elder young

p.s. instead of the usual marshmallow filled fudge bombs, comp and i could really use a little extra cash. last night's pub tab used up half of our pounds, and with the exchange rate here, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies.

If you think you'd like to stop receiving these emails now, just wait until you see the hour-long youtube video of elder young and comp leaping around in front of the Queen's Guard.

Also, check out another great review of False Prophet here.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Gays At BYU

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: What causes people to be gay

In honor of Valentines Day, I am sharing the following excerpt from Gays at BYU, a lengthy academic study performed by scholars at Brigham Young University:

What Causes People To Be Gay?
The Academy for the New Understanding of Sexuality (ANUS) has observed seven predisposing factors that are common in the backgrounds of men with same sex attraction. These factors are as follows:

1. Bad Mothering
A mother can wound young boys by smothering, criticizing, and abandoning her sacred role as a female. By working outside the home, for example, or expecting her boys to make their own beds, or insisting that she and not her son is head of the household when Daddy is away.

2. Inappropriate Early Childhood Fashion Choices
While this is also the result of bad mothering, it deserves a separate mention because every gay man's family album includes at least one picture of him wearing a satin polkadot onesie.

3. Distorted Concepts of Gender
Unhealthy childhood relationships with females can distort a man's view of the female gender, affect how he sees himself in relation to women, damage his sense of masculinity, and leave the individual without a sense of the opposite sex as complementary and attractive. This can occur if a boy is exposed to inappropriate female role models, such as lady policemen or women who wear pants to church. Or if he is guilted into asking the really really fat girl in the ward to dance.

4. Problems In Relationships With Other Males
During childhood, a boy might stray across the playground to socialize with the girls, leading him to accept the negative stereotype that girls can be smarter than boys. This leaves his normal need for same-sex superiority unmet, resulting in longings and cravings for male closeness.

5. Sexual Conditioning
Sexual desire can be conditioned through pairing specific stimuli with sexual arousal. Exposure to male pornography may create or intensify homosexual arousal for some boys, also extended viewing of HGTV and the Food Network.

6. Certain Biological and Physical Issues
Research on direct biological and genetic causes of homosexuality is inconclusive. But our experience suggests that certain biological factors can have an important indirect impact by affecting other parts of the developmental pathway. For example, limp wrists, long eyelashes, high-pitched voices, or a flair for floral design.

7. Certain Emotional and Psychological Problems
Certain emotional and psychological issues may increase the likelihood of becoming a homosexual. For example, if a young man develops the irrational notion that he is attracted to other young men.

ANUS also mentions that many with same-sex attraction have painful life histories, especially those who are raised in the LDS Church.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we invite you to reread the Valentines Day guidelines. (Straight couples only, of course.)

--Message from blog owner--
This past week I received two Brodie Awards over on Main Street Plaza. My book, False Prophet won Best LDS Themed novel--a true thrill given who the other nominees were. (Jeff Laver, David Larkin, Lawrence Pratt, Ryan McIlvan.)

But even more astounding, Ward Gossip won Best Humor/Satire Site or Blog. I've been up for that award before and have never come close to winning it. Thanks to our wealth of material, there is such excellent competition out there. This year my fellow nominees were The Utah Honeypot, a site I admire so much that I actually nominated it myself, and a new blog I'd not heard of, The BunYion. I voted for myself, of course. (No false modesty here.) Then I wandered over to the new site to check it out. 

After an hour-long coffee-spewing session--I can only conclude that the reason The BunYion did not win in the Best Humor/Satire category is because it hasn't been around very long and not enough Main Street Plaza readers have had a chance to read it. That won't be the case next time around. With the tagline, "The campus is our world," the site spoofs all things Mormon, but especially the crazy existence that is BYU student life. After enduring so much supercilious nonsense from the academics at the "Lord's University" (for example, the bullshit study that inspired my above post), it is a true joy to read the work of these brilliant and talented individuals who are confident enough to poke fun at their own culture. Check it out here.

And thanks to everyone who voted for me!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I Would Be Remiss If I Didn't Take This Opportunity To Thank The Mormons

Recently I got an email from my friend Johnny Townsend. He wrote that it was his anniversary. Not his wedding anniversary, mind you, but the anniversary of his baptism into the LDS Church. While he is happy that he is now beyond Mormonism, he readily acknowledges that some good came of his membership in the church, and every year when that date rolls around, he pauses to appreciate those things: the public speaking experience, the leadership experience, the mission that took him to Italy, his writing career (Dragons of the Book of Mormon is his latest accomplishment), and of course, his husband, who also used to be a Mormon.

I admit, he has a point. Whenever anyone asks me if I regret joining the LDS Church, my answer is an emphatic no. If I hadn't, I would never have met my husband, Mark. Additionally, there was the public speaking experience, and while as a woman, I can't claim any leadership experience, I did learn a few good DIY skills via the Mormons, such as canning fruit and some sewing techniques that come in handy now and then. Also, as Johnny points out, it's been a terrific subject to blog and write about. And I have some close believing LDS friends who are dear to me--ones who even read, but don't flip out over my blog!

But--other than Mark--I think the best thing about being a Mormon is that now I get to be an ExMormon!

Take this Sunday, for example.

In the morning, the 3 gourmands (Sarah, Eric and me) held our annual cooking marathon. This year it was Beef Wellington.

Sarah and Eric rolling the beef 
It was way more fun than Relief Society.
 Then in the afternoon, 50 of us packed into our tiny house for another amazing SuperBowl party.

This is just the kitchen
Here's the thing. When you're an ExMormon you can eat and drink whatever you want.

Also you can party on Sunday!

The kids can even wear play clothes!

These balloons are still on my ceiling.
But the best part is finding like-minded friends here in San Francisco as well as all over the internet. Some of them even vote for their favorite blogs and books in the Brodie Awards!

So I would indeed be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to thank the Mormons. Also if I didn't wish my son a happy 32nd birthday today!
He gave me this mug for my birthday one year.
And, of course, because it's my blog, I must also shamelessly boast that my book, False Prophet, got another 5 star review, this time from reviewer Jack Magnus on Readers' Favorite:

"There's a scene where Ryan infiltrates the Oakland Temple as part of his investigation, which is an inspired blend of adventure and high comedy. The mixed emotions Carrie feels about being a Mormon, generally, and supporting Prop 8, specifically, helped this reader understand to some degree how rank-and-file Mormons are compelled to follow their church leaders' strictures under threat of being ostracized." Read the entire review here.

And if I have offended any of you--switch to KBYU.