Gay Marriage? We've Got This!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward culture critic and author of the blog, A Perfect Mormon Woman
Subject: My latest on gay marriage

We've Got This!
Although the complete legalization of gay marriage in the United States comes as a terrible blow to the faithful members of the Lord's church, we are prepared - we've got this!

We've made covenants. We know the doctrine. And we're not strangers to persecution.

After all, legal same-sex marriage isn't the only immoral law that the Supreme Court and a handful of activist judges in all 50 states have forced us to accept. Every day we are confronted with so-called legalities such as lottery tickets, cocktail bars, Starbucks, Victoria's Secret, Coke machines, and professional women in pants. Even in the midst of these indignities we have held our heads high. Today is no exception.

In these days of moral confusion, many good people are so desensitized, so lacking in good conscience, so lazy, slovenly, and intent on sin, that they find it nearly impossible to even distinguish truth, let alone stand for it.

This observation is in no way judgmental. Rather it is an expression of single-minded acceptance and unabashed humility. Now, thanks to the morally confused majority, love has lost, and marriage has become a mere manmade institution.

This is a lie. Marriage isn't about people. It's about God.

Since God, conveniently, speaks exclusively to to the leaders of our church, we know that the only legitimate marriage is between a man and a woman who are sealed in the Mormon temple for time and all eternity. - The woman cleaving exclusively to one man, and the man cleaving temporarily to one woman. That is, until the next life when he may have conjugal relations with hundreds, perhaps thousands of wives.

It is in this wholesome environment that God intended children to be born and raised.

Because of our beliefs, we will be labeled as bigots and told we are on the wrong side of history. But we know that we will prevail in the end. (In the meantime, being called bigots might spare us exposure to unsavory sorts with counterfeit lifestyles.)

But I digress. Now, as Latter-day Saints, we must stand strong for the Mormon definition of traditional marriage and against the sleazy, politically correct, morally confused United States Supreme Court.

Disagree? Think we're on the wrong side of history? Go ahead, call us bigots. (We're actually okay with that.)

In the spirit of unabashed humility,
Millie Loomis, A Perfect Mormon Woman

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we invite you read this far more nuanced and sophisticated piece of satire penned by Kathryn Skaggs over on A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman. 

Recognizing The Gay Agenda

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: Hollywood and The Gay Agenda

Recently a brave Mormon woman fell under intense fire for calling the movie, Frozen, a tool of The Gay Agenda. Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Because while Frozen screams gay to most faithful Latter-day Saints, the nonmember community has been fooled into believing the opposite.

Thoroughly brainwashed by TGA, the army of non-Mormon sycophants argues that the Disney movie is a brilliantly conceived masterpiece that merely encourages children to be themselves. Lame, I know, but we must remember that these poor confused souls are merely pawns of The Vast Homosexual/Transgender Conspiracy.

Bottom line, The Gay Agenda will stop at nothing in its ruthless advance toward its ultimate goal: Turning the whole world GAY!

Hungry for more recruits, The Gay Agenda continues to infiltrate the mainstream media via seemingly talented, intelligent, and accomplished celebrities, statesmen, philanthropists, corporate heads, so-called religious leaders, and a host of other unfortunate lemmings whom it's tricked into championing its cause.

That's because The Gay Agenda is not above employing humility, scientific fact, poise, logic, reason, and other sneaky, underhanded anti-Mormon tactics.

Thanks to them, Frozen, has made record sales at the box office. Also these other totally gay movies:

• American Hustle -- a thinly-veiled vehicle of The Gay Agenda, its leading man parades around in a girly-wig. 

Look at me! I'm gay!!!!

• Despicable Me 2 -- a so-called family-friendly film, it features "mutilated minions," a non-gender specific "TNT loaded shark rocket" and ends with a bouncy rendition of "Y.M.C.A." How gay is that?!!
• Captain Phillips -- starring Tom Hanks (that's just gay to begin with) and a bunch of men in close confines waving their pistols. (Do you see how sneaky they are?)
• Monuments Men -- Another group of pansy men -- only this time they're all oo-ing and aw-ing over art. Well, Cate Blanchett is in it too, only she's the manliest of them all.  

Can you tell the boys from the girls? I can't.

• Blue Jasmine -- Yet another effort from that famous pawn of TGA, Woody Allen, who has devoted his career to normalizing immorality. I know. I've seen every one of his films. At least twice.

And then to top it off, this Sunday's Oscars will be hosted by a lesbian. As a public service, I intend to watch the entire show. Just so I can tell everyone how GAY it is. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you've been exposed to too many scientific facts.

Also click here to read another great review of The Girls from Fourth Ward and here and here for two more "thumbs ups" for False Prophet!

What The World Is Coming To

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: SIGN THIS PETITION!

Following the righteous lead of our fellow Saints in Jordan, Utah, some concerned citizens and I have penned the following petition to the Abbottsville School Board: 

We, many concerned parents and community members, present our petition to the Abbottsville School District Board of Education. We wish to express our deepest objection to Abbottsville High School's recent production of the play "Singing in the Rain." This production contained offensive materials not suited for a high school play and was in violation of district policy which requires drama productions to stay within "acceptable community standards." This content included a scantily clad girl jumping out of a cake, explicit descriptions of unnatural sexual liaisons (including a girl who refuses to "make love to a bush"), mockery of traditional marriage (including 2 boys dancing together, a girl and 2 boys in a menage a trois on a sofa, and the aforementioned cake number that featured a bunch of orgasmic girls cavorting in their underwear), near profanity throughout the script, and implied drug use (including a youth so high he runs up the side of a wall, and a strung out kid who is nearly arrested for splashing around in a puddle at an hour that is clearly past his bedtime.) 

This play used catchy tunes and slick choreography to support a dark and subversive pro-musical political agenda. Our tax dollars and our students, most of whom are minors, were used to support the erroneous notion that Hollywood musicals are just innocent and carefree vehicles for singing, dancing and wholesome fun. This play is part of a national campaign called the "Singing in the Rain School Theater Project." Its purpose is to inspire our students and our communities to stay up past bedtime, take to the streets, and jump around in puddles.

We demand an apology. This apology should include an admittance of violation of school district policy, an apology for exposing students to (implied) drunken tap dancing, a statement that the depiction of the Hollywood musical as "wholesome fun" did not represent the position of the school or the school district, and an assurance that singing, dancing and near profanity will never be performed onstage again.

Goal: 10,000 signatures

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you are up past your bedtime.

***Note from blog owner: Alternatively you could check out the "Dead Man Walking School Theater Project." It's pretty cool!

Advance "Praise" From The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward and my wonderful readers
From: Donna Banta
Subject: One final plug for "The Girls"

My book, The Girls From Fourth Ward, is now available in paperback! Check out the amazing cover art by Insanad:

To order click here -- eBook version coming soon.

Advance Praise for The Girls From Fourth Ward:

"Donna Banta's book is obviously the work of an angry and bitter person who no longer lives the Gospel." -- President Knightly

"Sister Banta must have been offended by a well-meaning ward member. I think I'll take her some of my wife's nut loaf." -- Brother Turley

"The Girls From Fourth Ward is FILTH!" -- Sister Loomis

"I guess I missed the point." -- Bishop Zimmerman

___________________________________

Hmm . . . I think the Fourth Ward is a bit miffed because I've neglected their e-mails for a couple of weeks. Can't say I blame them. No offense guys! I promise that after today I will go back to keeping everyone current with the Mormons in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward. (That is, until you delete me from your e-mail list.)

  

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward Society Page, vol. 2

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward

by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Harolds missed another house payment, the Turleys finally cleaned out the interior of their Suburban, and a new bed was recently delivered to the Maxwells. (An anonymous source claims that both the bed and Brother Maxwell have moved into the den.)

Other than that, love is in the air for the Fourth Ward, and just in time for Valentine's Day. Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have announced their intention to marry. The ceremony will take place as soon as possible, and will NOT be solemnized in the temple. The Sorensons escaped for a romantic weekend at their cabin at Lake Tahoe. -- I'm guessing that means Brother Sorenson finally got that prescription filled. ;) And Brother Gibson went out on an actual date!

The Relief Society again achieved 100% Visiting Teaching. Even poor Sister Banta got a visit. (The key is to arrive at her house before 10:00 AM so she isn't too ... you know.)

However tithing settlement was not so successful this year. The bishop is still waiting for the McGruffs, the Skousens, and Brother Gibson to come to his office and declare their income. If they don't do so soon, they can expect to lose their good standing in the ward, and any credibility whatsoever. Also, the bishop would like to extend his apology to the Russells. Acting on the suspicion that they hadn't paid an honest tithe, he demanded they submit their tax return. They complied -- and come to find out -- their donation really was 10% of Brother Russell's salary. (Oh dear!)

The Republican primaries have kept Brother Newsome of the Stake Public Affairs Council very busy. In addition to making cool, hip "And I'm a Mormon" ads, he's also engaged in a letter-writing campaign to stop the nosy liberals who want Mitt Romney to release his tax return. Honestly, have they no respect for privacy?

Finally, earlier this month Brother Payson was rushed to the Emergency Room with severe chest pains. Thank goodness the cause was only acute constipation! (My guess is the culprits are his sedentary lifestyle, an excessively high body mass index, and Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pie.)

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pies.

London -- The One And Only True Tour

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: London Calling

By now you all know that a certain disreputable ex-Mormon blogger recently met her spinster daughter in London for a week of sin.

She's way too old to be having fun!

But you should also know that whilst they were engaging in their wanton revelry, I too was touring London, albeit in a far more reverent (and sober) fashion.

All my life I've wanted to see Merrie Olde England through the protective lens of the LDS Church. So I signed up for the See Zion First tour of London. As usual, it did not disappoint.

Our trip began at the spacious Heathrow Ward Meeting House, with its splendid view of the long-term parking lot. The local saints treated us to an authentic pub dinner of tater-tot shepherd's pie, a pint of Mott's Apple Juice, and sticky toffee Rice Krispie treats. Afterwards, we enjoyed an authentic Shakespearean reading performed by the Deacons Quorum.


The next day we travelled to historic Canterbury. The bus ride over was quite jolly, thanks to a certain sister who entertained us with this faith promoting story:

The Wife of Bountiful's Tale

There once was a young knight who had too much fun with the maidens at his single ward's mix and mingle. At the end he left without even proposing marriage! The next day, the bishop called him into his office.

"Such selfish behaviour can not go unpunished," the bishop told the knight. "However, I will  grant you a reprieve if in the next 24 hours you can find the answer to the question: 

'What do women want?'"

The knight mounted his mighty Schwinn and travelled  to the far reaches of his stake boundaries. Some told him women wanted breast implants, some said they wanted a Shelf Reliant Food Rotation System, and others suggested unlimited access to free quilting patterns. 

The following day the knight returned to his bishop's office in a state of confusion. Just before reaching the door, the bishop's daughter blocked his way, looked deep into his eyes, and told him the correct answer:

Women want to be obedient to their husbands.

The bishop granted his reprieve and the knight married the bishop's daughter. The knight in turn gave his woman exactly what she wanted. Under her husband's command, she cooked, cleaned, mended, gardened, and cheerfully submitted to a nightly schtooping over the back of their chesterfield.  

He lived happily ever after.

The architecture rivals the LA temple

Inspired by the wisdom of the good wife's story, we arrived at the stately cathedral just as a worship service was about to commence. Our tour guide seemed to think our timing was extremely fortunate, and actually suggested we attend. I grudgingly went along, not because I wanted to, but because as a representative of the one and only true church, I felt obligated to exemplify the open-minded and ecumenical philosophy that Latter-day Saints have long embraced. 


Only their so-called worship was intolerable.

Don't get me wrong. Being LDS, I knew better than to expect their choir and organ to match those in our Tabernacle. But I certainly wasn't prepared to see crucifixes, women in trousers, pictures of Jesus without his garments, lady priests, and other hateful things like candles!

Non-members are so disrespectful

I walked out.

 Thankfully, this unfortunate experience served as a wake-up call. From then on, we stuck to the appropriate schedule.

Our destinations were either the church or like-minded places compatible with Mormon culture and doctrine -- such as the wax museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not.

We even made a few bob on the side.

On our final day in London, Brother Hyde graciously took us on a motor tour of the city in his Fish and Chips cart. 

Thanks to the dear brother, we whizzed by it all -- without ever having to mix with London's non-member community!

At the end of the tour we said tearful good-byes to our British brothers and sisters, then boarded the plane for America. Not a one of us slept on that flight, as we were too busy reminiscing about the sights we saw, the diverse group of church members we met, the food we enjoyed, and the wonderful time we had thanks to LDS owned See Zion First.

After all, only the church could send us on a trip like this.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you the DVD version of the Heathrow Ward Deacons Quorum's performance of Hamlet.

Single Adults Get Final Warning!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: MY FINAL WARNING!

Recently I suspended all Single Adults activities because of your gross mistreatment of  our esteemed Stake Single Adults leader, Ricky Foote. I met with each of you in extensive one on one interviews and listened to your concerns. I felt we had reached an understanding, that you were sufficiently humbled, and that I could finally reinstate our inspired Stake Single Adults program. Accordingly, I instructed Ricky to plan a fun New Year's Eve activity.


Then I was appalled to hear that after all of Ricky's labors, Sister Millie Loomis was the sole attendee at the Stake Single Adults' New Year's Eve Dance. Even her date failed to show up -- after she'd gone to the trouble to handcraft an invitation out of Sweet Tarts and deliver it via carrier pigeon.


But I was more disturbed when I heard that upon returning to the church parking lot, Ricky found the carrier pigeon locked inside of his car with the following note attached:

Sorry to POOP out on you, but we won't be DROPPING by the dance because we're tired of being treated like CR#P and think you're full of S%$T.* 

*edited for civility's sake. 

Clearly, I was wrong to assume you had learned your lesson.


As I said before, I know that Ricky is young enough to be your son, and that, in fact, one of you is his actual mother. But again I remind you that what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. Moreover, he is devoted to all of you. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. Again, I repeat:

None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

It's so tasty too!

As far as your treatment, you have gotten better than you deserve. According to my sources, instead of the wholesome LDS Single Adults' dance, you attended a New Year's Eve party thrown by the San Francisco Post-Mormons where you engaged in "lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed," and witnessed the public drunkenness of a certain disreputable female blogger.


After praying to our Heavenly Father, consulting with Ricky and your respective bishops, and evaluating your individual situations and standings in the community, I have made the following decision.

You're grounded.

From now until an undetermined time in the future, you will go nowhere but work, church, the temple, Costco, and the local FranklinCovey. Your goings and comings will be monitored by your home teachers, your visiting teachers, your quorum presidencies, your bishoprics, and, when necessary, the private security team, Big Beefy Tongans, Inc. 


During the period of your detention, I assign the following:

1. Complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
2. Fast and pray.
3. Read Doctrine and Covenants 132 and Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway.
4. Shampoo the interior of Ricky Foote's Hyundai.
5. Take turns feeding and caring for the pigeon. 
6. Staff the nursery at the upcoming Stake Valentines Day Dance.
7. Write a 500 word essay on what it means to be a "Menace to Society."
8. Make imaginative invitations asking that special someone to a future Single Adults' dance. Supplies can be found in your ward Primary closet.

Be aware that this is your FINAL WARNING! If any of you fail to obey all of the above commands, I will have no other choice than to report your misbehavior to your home teachers, your Relief Society presidency, your priesthood quorums, your bishopric, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, the Deseret News, and your mothers.


After all, as your humble servant it is my job to look after your best interests.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.

   

An Exmormon Christmas Carol

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Our Family's Christmas

Millie Loomis's recent e-mail about her family's Thanksgiving prompted the San Francisco post-Mormons to explore new ways to celebrate the holidays. While spending Christmas with the believing LDS family may be traditional, it is not exactly merry and bright. At times, TBM family gatherings can reduce a gentle, reason-loving ex-Mormon into a hysterical, head-banging nut-job.

Rather than pad the walls of our parents' guest rooms, we decided to create a new family -- one we were neither born into nor assigned to visit. A "family of the heart," if you will. Or, in our case, a sanctuary city.

Our season commenced with a Post-Mormon Oakland Temple Light Excursion. Instead of the stop-off at the local Roundtable Pizza, we opted for Monaghans on the Hill, with its superior food and full bar! Mark and I bailed on visiting the temple grounds after. But the others reported that the lights looked amazingly good after a few cocktails, and the conversation with the missionaries flowed nicely as well.

"God only knows" where we'd be
without them!

Next came the Annual Christmas Concert, only this year we switched out the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the Conference Center for The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus at the Castro Theater.

The performance of O Holy Night -- worth four times the admission price. 

The chorus director's introduction of the theme from Big Love that included a mention of "those crazy Mormons" -- priceless.

Then on Christmas day, instead of piling into our cars and heading to the usual creamed soup/jell-o extravaganzas, we hung at our house for a Post-Mormon Christmas Dinner. It was laid back, with very few decorations, although I did put up the usual tribute to our (former) Savior.

Instead of a blessing on the food, we began with prosecco and limoncello cocktails. They definitely invited the spirit, and great conversation as well.

Below are pictures of some SF ex-Mormons being merry and bright.

Extreme caution advised!

                                               

As for the traditional "ringing in of the New Year?" We sure as hell won't be at the Stake Center dancing to this with the Single Adults:

Thanks, Insana D,  for forwarding me this smokin' hot video!!

We'll be together again,celebrating the end of yet another year of freedom and authenticity, and toasting to the beginning of the next. There will be delicious food and drink, welcoming and non-judgmental companionship, and, of course, the traditional "lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the Lord's anointed."

Psst, Abbottsville Fourth Ward, come hang with us on New Year's Eve. You know you want to!

Thanksgiving Etiquette -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: Holding my own at Thanksgiving

Back in the day, when my family gathered at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, we were all of one mind, one heart, one faith.


But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case. 


I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table. 


Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage. 


Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year. 


Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!


I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.

I can only imagine what she's thinking!

My efforts were of no use. My son now believes that "gay people are happy," and my daughter wants to put off marriage to go to Italy -- not on a mission, not on a See Zion First tour -- but simply to LIVE!!


In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.


Dear (Loved Ones),


While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics: 

The Book of Mormon

President Monson

The good old U S of A

Why fornication is a sin

72 hour kits

Miserable souls who break The Word of Wisdom

The empty lives of female professionals

A cure for homosexuality

Grandma's tatting projects

Satan

How stupid intellectuals are

In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.  

Love, 

Millie

We can all agree on tatting!

I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.

BYU Education Week Is Busy, Busy, Busy!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: A typical day at BYU Education Week

Earlier this month I returned to my beloved alma mater for Education Week. I was proud to find that BYU is still the intellectual mecca I remembered. In fact, the scholarly offerings were so plentiful, that I barely had time to eat, sleep or bathe. But then, if there's one thing I've learned after four years at  BYU, it's how to survive. I packed some deodorant, shot myself up with bee venom, and headed for class. This was the schedule of my first day:


8:30-9:25: Book of Mormon Marathon 
I arrived at the Jesse Knight Building to hear the recitation of Brother G. LaRay Maddox, PhD, who has committed the entire Book of Mormon to memory. I stayed for the first couple chapters of 1 Nephi. 


9:30-10:25: Ethnic Dance 

Sparky McKay and I cut a mean rug around a Mexican hat. He was surprisingly spry for his eighty years. 




10:30-11:25: Our Latter-day Heritage    
We discussed the secret meeting between George Washington and the Three Nephites, the celestial attributes of Abraham Lincoln's plural wives, and Elder Paul H. Dunn's role in the crafting of the Marshall Plan. 


11:30-12:25: Devotional Address 
Brother Elijah Hatch's talk was entitled, "Don't Go to Bed Without The Brethren: a guide for newlyweds of all ages."


12:30-1:25: How Living the Gospel Brings Us Joy 

Sister JayNeen Sorenson explained why cleaning the ward toilets makes her happy, how tithing settlement can be a hoot, and that guilt actually triggers the release of endorphins.




1:30-2:25: The Reality of Global Warming
According to Brother Parley Richards, PhD, the "inconvenient truth" is that the Millennium is nigh, the planet's destined to go up in smoke, and this whole "save the earth" business is a waste of time. We drank quart sized cream sodas out of non-recyclable containers, tossed the plastic out on the lawn, and gave each other high-fives. 


2:30-3:25: The Place for Humor in the Church

Brother Homer Dixon taught that out of respect for The Brethren, and in the spirit of obedience, we should avoid all humor, except for jokes about cutesy little kids, ditsy housewives, and silly people - like feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals.


 3:30-4:25: Intimacy in Marriage

As always, Brother Antonio Firenze Smoot drew a large female crowd who, from the looks of their complexions, seemed to be suffering from a familiar menopausal symptom. Afterwards he signed copies of Tall and Tawny Studs, where he has made his cover debut.


4:30-5:25: Combating the Fiery Darts of Satan -- a guide to the Internet

In his signature no holds barred style, Brother Rock McConkie took us on a terrifying behind the scenes cyber-tour. I've now blocked everything from my computer that isn't sponsored by the LDS Church, Glenn Beck, or NuSkin.


5:30-6:55 Book of Mormon Marathon
Back at the Jesse Knight Building Brother Maddox was still going strong. But the audience had lapsed into varying states of catatonia. I nudged the person beside me to attention and sat through the end of 2 Nephi.


7:00-8:55 Brigham Young University presents: Annie Get Your Garments!
Feisty BYU coed, Annie Kimball, had no interest in dating guys, especially when she could lick them all over the Wilkinson Center ping-pong table. Then she met hunky Rulon Featherstone, a man so thick with pheromones he left hundreds of damp, limp sisters strewn along his path. He found Annie in the library and tried to flirt. She moved to another carrel. He stalked her to the MARB and begged for a date. She turned up her pert little nose. Finally, he proposed via the card section at LaVell Edwards Stadium. She refused to marry him. Then the bishop called her into his office and told her she had to.

9:00-10:55 Single Adult Dance
We bunny-hopped the night away.






11:00-11:55 Patriotic Rally

Popular Salt Lake talk show host, T. Golden Packer, delivered a fiery speech imploring us to gird our loins, rally behind the faith, and prepare ourselves for the impending Armageddon, so that we can rid society of the fanatical religious nut jobs who want to spoil our way of life.


12:00-
I returned to the Jesse Knight building to find Brother Maddox beginning the book of Mosiah. I hopped on one foot to stay awake, then collapsed in the corner.


It was pedal to the medal for the rest of the week, and my body is still weak from the exhaustion. My testimony, however, is stronger than ever. How grateful I am to be a member of the one and only true church and a graduate of the Lord's university. 


Where else but BYU could I have learned all of this?


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