Thursday, May 10, 2012

Brace Yourselves Sisters, It's Another Mother's Day Tribute

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: This Sunday's Tribute to Mothers

We live in perilous times. The Constitution is hanging by a thread, our president (who should be tried for treason) recently endorsed gay marriage, and everywhere we turn we see people putting off marriage to have "too much fun," as well as women who are taking over! Now, more than ever, it is important that we clearly define a woman's divine role. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.


Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:
Sacrament Meeting
Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman
Pianist: Sister Peterson
Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #322 Come all ye Sons of God
Opening Prayer: Brother Harold

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart
Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Esther Renfro -- "The Best Mom (not) in the World."
"My friends at school like to brag that their moms went to fancy colleges to become doctors and lawyers and stuff. Then I tell them that my mom went to Relief Society to learn how to make living room furniture out of PVC pipe, hot glue and styrofoam. That pretty much shuts them up."

Special Musical Number: Primary Chorus -- Sunshine is Special 

Speaker: Sister Jeanette Evans -- "Babies are Special."
"The other day when I was changing little Jimmy's poopy diaper, he looked up at me and said 'Ga-boo-be-bah' -- just like they were his own little words -- and, oh my heck -- I told myself I wouldn't cry -- but babies are just so special!" 

Special Musical Number: Young Women's Choir -- Smiles are Special

Speaker: Brother Wilford Bromley -- "The Most Respected Role on Earth."
"Dear Sisters, you care for our children, clean our houses, cook all of our favorite meals, tend our gardens, do our laundry, buy our groceries, iron our shirts, darn our socks, are always available in bed, don't expect a dime, wait on us every waking moment, let us do all of the talking, hang on our every word, and never complain. After all of that, how can we possibly NOT respect you? Anyway, why do you care?"

Closing Hymn: Cinnamon Rolls are Special (words are on the back of the program)

Benediction: Brother Newsome

In order to show that we Latter-day Saints are a progressive, open-minded, egalitarian people, the Aaronic Priesthood will then hand out a flower to every sister in the Relief Society, even those who are single, childless, divorced, employed, "so called lesbians," or for some other selfish reason can't catch or hold on to a man.  

Upon completion of the distribution of flowers, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll still give you a flower.


  1. Geez. Why don't the Fourth Ward women rise up like howling furies, run from that exercise in masochism they call a "service," flee into the wilderness, and dance around a bonfire singing "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar"? I'll donate beer and espresso to the festivities.

  2. @Ahab, well for starters, they have that 4 course dinner to prepare and serve... (sigh)

  3. I think they should run like howling furries, and go to a rave dressed in fullsuits.

  4. I can answer Ahab's question in 2 words or less: prescription meds.

  5. jewelfox, heaven knows I wish I'd run out of there earlier than I did. CD, you're right about the meds.

  6. I had no idea we were in the same ward. Next week, I SIT NEXT TO YOU!

  7. Absolutely, lifeinredshoes! There's safety in numbers.