To: Abbottsville Stake Priesthood
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: I Have a Gay Friend
Now that the sisters are embracing their divine role through crafting, the Brethren have launched a new and exciting program for the priesthood: Sensitivity Training.
As reported by George Orwellian in that reliable and hard-thinking online news source, Sheep Press, last weekend's groundbreaking seminar entitled, "I Have a Gay Friend," was a magnificent success. Held in the Mormon conference center in Salt Lake City, the well attended gathering offered its white male and strategically placed female, black and Latino audience members helpful tips on how to deal with our pesky critics.
One (coincidentally white upper-middle-class male) attendee put it to me this way: "I've always wanted to look like an open-minded guy. But up until now, I didn't have the talking points," he explained, specifically referring to the session, Atheists: How to deal with Satan's willing tools of Apocalyptic destruction without making The One True Church look bad.
Read about all of the class offerings here.
We will be airing a televised recording of the seminar this Saturday at the Abbottsville Stake Center and request that all worthy Priesthood holders attend.
After the televised viewing, I will moderate a discussion entitled, Obama's an American, slavery was bad for the blacks, gays can't be cured, and other silly things we have to say nowadays.
Then at 6:00 p.m. we'll crack open the root beers, fire up the grill and cook up some genuine federal land fed beef.***
***I have allowed the Relief Society a fifteen minute break from their crafts so they may report to the church kitchen and stuff our meat into their buns.
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