Thursday, April 24, 2014

Abbottsville Priesthood Holders To View Progressive Civil Rights Seminar

To: Abbottsville Stake Priesthood
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: I Have a Gay Friend

Now that the sisters are embracing their divine role through crafting, the Brethren have launched a new and exciting program for the priesthood: Sensitivity Training.

As reported by George Orwellian in that reliable and hard-thinking online news source, Sheep Press, last weekend's groundbreaking seminar entitled, "I Have a Gay Friend," was a magnificent success. Held in the Mormon conference center in Salt Lake City, the well attended gathering offered its white male and strategically placed female, black and Latino audience members helpful tips on how to deal with our pesky critics.

One (coincidentally white upper-middle-class male) attendee put it to me this way: "I've always wanted to look like an open-minded guy. But up until now, I didn't have the talking points," he explained, specifically referring to the session, Atheists: How to deal with Satan's willing tools of Apocalyptic destruction without making The One True Church look bad.

Read about all of the class offerings here.

We will be airing a televised recording of the seminar this Saturday at the Abbottsville Stake Center and request that all worthy Priesthood holders attend.

After the televised viewing, I will moderate a discussion entitled, Obama's an American, slavery was bad for the blacks, gays can't be cured, and other silly things we have to say nowadays.

Then at 6:00 p.m. we'll crack open the root beers, fire up the grill and cook up some genuine federal land fed beef.***

***I have allowed the Relief Society a fifteen minute break from their crafts so they may report to the church kitchen and stuff our meat into their buns.  

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  1. Stuffing meat into buns? Do I detect a Freudian slip here, Mr. Knightly?

    Right-winger know that certain kinds of language are becoming verbotten in public, but their attitudes aren't necessarily changing. It's sad.

    1. There's a disturbing "keeping up appearances" trend among Mormons and also other RR organizations that you diligently report on. It 's all about looking rather than being good.

  2. Some days I'm torn between regretting the fact that this kind of satire mirrors reality to such an extent that it nearly writes itself; and being grateful for an endless supply of material.

    Did you see Cliven Bundy's recent wisdom on blacks and how they were better off as slaves rather than mooching off the government? Apparently, he doesn't appreciate the irony in light of his, um, well mooching.

    1. Yes - sigh - I'm afraid that I did. Hence my allusion to federal land fed beef and slavery being "bad for blacks." I also saw Rand Paul's slow response to him. Evidently the government owes guys like them, while everyone else is a "moocher."

  3. I love the last line. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

  4. The priesthood, collectively, is so inspired and just so, well, wise, for lack of a better word. What we ALL need is more talking points . . . ones like, "Let me tell you something I know about about the Negro." It's like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. if you don't know what to say, have one of your talking points ready.

    Um, I don't want to break bad news to any of these good people, but root beer, when left too long, has been known to ferment. I enjoy a good buzz as much as the next person, but I'm not sure President Knightly and his crew feel the same way.

    1. President K and his crew desperately need a good buzz.