Friday, January 23, 2015

Abbottsville 4th Prepares for Post Dehlin Excommunication Riots

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

In preparation for John Dehlin's disciplinary council this Sunday, I am increasing the Ward Threat Level to RED.

I have never met Dehlin personally, visited his website, or viewed any of his Mormon Stories podcasts.

However, according to my research, Mormon Stories is a forum where disgruntled anti-Mormons promote their evil agenda of gay marriage, Ordain Women, evolution, so-called "life after Mormonism," mito-something-or-other DNA, and other whiny, subversive nonsense that only serves to undermine the straight, white patriarchal way of life the Brethren insist we know and love.

In the event of this Tool of Satan's excommunication, and the inevitable rioting that will follow, all ward members are advised to lock your doors, board up your windows and brace yourselves for the onslaught of blood-thirsty feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, and boasting about "life after Mormonism."

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

In the event that John Dehlin is not excommunicated or disfellowshipped this Sunday, all ward members are instructed to abort the above mission and the Relief Society is ordered to bake Brother Dehlin some cookies.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're silly enough to believe there is such a thing as "life after Mormonism."

--Also congratulations to X-Mormon of the Year 2014, Kate Kelly! And there's still time to nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Enthusiasm Builds Around Romney's Third Candidacy

Romney's Base Urges Him to Run in 2016
The Salt Lake News -- published January 16, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY -- Excitement was high at the after-party for an LDS VIP screening of Meet the Mormons this past Tuesday. Mitt Romney had recently announced that he was considering another run for the presidency -- and his loyal followers couldn't be more thrilled.

"There's no doubt that the Brethren's inspired PR efforts have energized Romney's base," church spokesperson, Wilford Delacorte said, referring to the aforementioned feature-length documentary as well as the recent essay touting the prophet Joseph Smith's numerous accomplishments. "Now we're turning the time over to Mitt."

It would appear that Republicans throughout Romney Country share Delacorte's enthusiasm.

"We're on fire down here in Utah Valley," Delores Rudd, a Republican operative from Orem, declared. "He's our one and only true candidate."

But GOP officials outside the boundaries of the former governor's influence remain skeptical about a third Romney bid, claiming the candidate failed to connect with average voters or even fellow Republicans.

"By Romney's own admission, he doesn't care about the votes of 47% of the electorate," Camilla Franklin, a Republican fund raiser from Minnesota, complained. "He boasted that his wife owned a 'couple of Cadillacs' and challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet. Who are this loser's base and what flavor Kool-Aid are they drinking?"

Iowa Republican strategist, Wilbur Lumley, is also baffled by the solidarity of the Romney base. "Mitt seems like a nice guy and all. But he lost miserably. I don't get these people who call him their 'one and only true candidate.' What do they even mean by that?"

Bristling at the criticism, Ms. Rudd countered, "I understand there are elements in the nonmember wing of the party who fear that it will be a repeat of 2012. But that's only because they don't understand the doctrine of continuing revelation. Mitt's totally in tune with what's trending. In 2016, the screen on his Etch-A-Sketch will be completely refreshed."

In a recent interview with The Salt Lake News, Heber G. Sneed, a political science professor from the University of Utah and former Jon Huntsman supporter, summarized Romney's unique position in the potential Republican field.

"In order to secure a base," Sneed explained. "The other Republican hopefuls have to appeal to the Tea Party or to the Christian Right, or to Wall Street, all of whom have substantial ideological agendas. But Romney's base is the Mormons, and the only thing on their agenda is winning. That gives Mitt a distinct advantage."

LDS Spokesperson Delacorte echoed Sneed's optimism. "Mark my words. Come January 20, 2017, Mitt Romney will take the oath of office and then, facing the entire world, proudly announce:
I'm president of the United States . . . and I'm a Mormon."


--In other news, yet another Mormon is set to be excommunicated over his support for same-sex marriage and the ordination of women. John Dehlin, host of Mormon Stories is scheduled to appear before an LDS Church disciplinary council on January 25, 2015. Read more here

Also, if you haven't already, head over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award!

Friday, January 9, 2015

Salt Lake Temple Square Police Blotter

Crime Report - Salt Lake Temple Square
Salt Lake News--Published January 9, 2015

01/08/15 @ 13:47
Location: South Visitors Center
Details: Man carrying a ukelele reported acting erratically.

Criminal Mischief
01/08/15 @ 10:52
Location: Legacy Theater
Details: Giggling reported during a screening of Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration.

01/07/15 @ 15:19
Location: LDS Church Office Building
Details: Man reported to have taken an excessive amount of paper towels from a receptacle in the first floor lavatory.

Indecent Exposure
01/07/15 @ 12:02
Location: Lion House
Details: Woman entered premises wearing patterned tights under her dress.

01/06/15 @ 11:16
Location: Salt Lake Temple, East Entrance
Details: Man attempted to gain access using his American Express Gold Card.

Sex Offense
01/06/15 @ 9:38
Location: Nauvoo Cafe
Details: Woman reported to be overly aroused while consuming an extra large jelly roll.

01/05/15 @ 17:06
Location: Parking Garage
Details: Woman on foot reported cutting across some empty parking slots marked, "Brethren Only."

01/05/15 @ 13:37
Location: The Roof Restaurant
Details: Man reported to be consuming illegal substance. Turned out to be a Tic Tac.

***Gentle Readers, don't forget to go over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for the Brodie Awards!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Another Fun Year on Ward Gossip - Thanks to the Brethren

When I started this blog back in 2009 I never dreamt it would be around five years later.

But here we are at the end of 2014 and Ward Gossip is still running strong. It's that little mechanical bunny and the Brethren are the battery that makes it keep on going.

Sure I had to fill in here and there. With bizarre family dramas, fun Ex-Mormon gatherings and excursions, memories of shitty weekends and stupid Relief Society lessons, another joyous birth, and a very sad loss, missionary moments, some odd LDS corporate policies, a return to my Vagina Testimony, a long overdue "person of the year" award, and a bit of recent diplomacy between LDS Inc. and Park City, UT.

But most weeks the Brethren and their disciples wrote the copy for me. Starting in February with that uber-sensitive website, Gays and BYU. Which led to some thoughtful discussion amongst the faithful about The Gay Agenda. After that, believers were shocked to learn that church headquarters was no longer promising them a planet! Then an outrageous article in The Friend provided me with what may be my best post ever. And here's the thing. I barely had to write it!
Every Saturday night while her family was wallowing in smut, Lucy called her Primary teacher and asked for a ride to church. Sister Gomez always said yes.
Then the fun really started when some actual Mormon feminists decided they wanted to be ordained. Try as they might, the Brethren could not dissuade them. Not even with crafts!
"This new craft thing is a crock of (expletive deleted),"  Mildred Peabody, a Salt Lake City tax attorney, told The News. "Makes me want to hot glue the First Presidency to a giant flannel board."
And I say cheers to them all! Especially Kate Kelly .

In an apparent effort to deflect the bad PR over the Ordain Women debacle, the Brethren embarked on an anti-Gay marriage tour. It failed to engage the faithful.
"I've been worried about the rising sea level that threatens my farmland," 47-year-old Hans of Denmark said. "But last night the Brethren told us we should be up in arms over gay marriage. I don't understand. Am I being selfish?"
Likewise the suggestion of another Romney presidential campaign.
"I work in an all-Mormon office and my desk is by the copy machine," said Samuel Petersen, an ExMormon from Sandy, Utah. "I don't care if I lose my job. He runs again and I'm going off the grid."
Obviously in crisis mode, church PR amped up the momentum with a member-driven social media blitz, followed by the release of a major motion picture, followed by an infomercial about Mormon underpants. When the aforementioned efforts flopped, the Brethren decided to cheer everybody up by releasing a statement about all of Joseph Smith's extramarital affairs. After that came a really scary message from the visiting teachers.
I call, I text, I stop by. When she doesn't answer, I stand on her front porch and belt out, Love at Home. When she still doesn't answer, I hot glue 50 packs of M&M's to her front door. I follow her on social media. I follow her to work, to the dentist, and to the mall. I wait in front of her bathroom stall at Nordstrom. But still I get nothing.
And let's not forget my interview with InsanaD, also her amazing address at this year's ExMormon Conference.

Torture for the Mormons, but sheer comic gold for bloggers like me.

So, as Elder Price sang, "What does the future hold?" I see more loud laughter, more lightmindedness, more evil speaking of the self-appointed, and definitely more blogging in 2015.

Happy New Year, Gentle Readers!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

LDS Church Moves to Normalize Relations with Park City

LDS Church to Renew Ties with Park City
Salt Lake News -- published December 18, 2014

SALT LAKE CITY -- In a bold and historic move yesterday, LDS leaders announced they will be normalizing relations with their long estranged neighbor, Park City, Utah.

"The Brethren decided the citizens of Park City should benefit from exposure to a culture that is superior to their own," LDS spokesperson, G. Marilyn String, told the News.

In brokering the agreement, the LDS Church agreed to release alleged Park City spy, George Fielding. Apprehended last September in a men's room at the Joseph Smith Building, Fielding spent 92 days in solitary confinement on Temple Square.

Insisting the charges against him are false, Mr. Fielding told the News, "I swear to God, I'm innocent. I got bored during Meet the Mormons so I went to the can to splash some water on my face. Then these thugs in cheap suits jumped me and hauled me off to the clink."

"They put me on a restricted diet of Jell-O, Tater-tot casserole, and fry sauce--and then made me watch an endless loop of 'And I'm a Mormon' commercials," Fielding added, his voice thick with emotion. "Thank heaven they let me go. I'm so happy to be back in Park City."

In exchange for the release of Mr. Fielding, LDS leaders are now requesting the return of 37 of their own whom they had deployed behind enemy lines. However, with a hat tip to the quality of the LDS Church surveillance team, Park City officials confess they were completely unaware of any espionage in their community.

"We knew these folks had moved into town, but saw no evidence of any clandestine activities," Park City spokesperson, Homer T. Larsen explained. "They seemed to be just enjoying themselves like the rest of us."

"We have not arrested anyone for espionage," Larsen insisted. "The so-called Mormon spies are free to come and go as they please."

The 37 individuals in question have refused to comment on their current status. At press time, none had made arrangements to return to Church.

Friday, December 12, 2014

LDS Church Leaders Choose "Name Withheld" as 2014 Person of the Year

Name Withheld is Person of the Year
Salt Lake News -- published December 12, 2014

SALT LAKE CITY -- She's found hope and healing after her divorce, forgiven her abuser, and nurtured her husband's frail ego throughout their foreclosure and bankruptcy. He's overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, same-sex attraction, and a tendency to masturbate. Ever humble and long suffering, the progressively gender-ambivalent author of countless Mormon-themed articles, Name Withheld, is finally receiving the title of Person of the Year.

"After spending 50-plus years at the top of the temple prayer rolls, Name Withheld is long overdue for this recognition," official church spokesperson, K. Byron Spool, told the News.

When asked about the timing of the decision, Spool explained, "It's been an especially tough year for the Brethren, what with all the selfish complaints from the feminists, gays, and intellectuals. Meanwhile, Name Withheld humbly carried on, without dwelling on her civil rights, or carping about his unfulfilled sex life, or making a huge deal out of Joseph Smith's minor promiscuities. The Brethren really appreciated that."

Name Withheld was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the drunk tank after a relapse brought on by his temporary refusal to forgive his bishop for sexually assaulting him--or her.

"He . . . or she . . . requested a Book of Mormon be sent to his cell," a source inside the jail said. "She is repentant and seems determined not to become bitter."

"The Brethren couldn't be happier with this year's choice," Spool firmly declared. "Nobody, save Joseph Smith alone, has endured such storied persecution."