Looks Like It's All Up To The Primary Now...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Marla Sweet, Ward Primary President
Subject: Lucy Finds a Way

I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to read the following article from The Friend--and then pass it on to the children of inactive members.

Lucy Finds a Way

By Stacy Coffee
(Based on a TRUE story)

Going to church by herself wasn't easy, but Lucy knew it was the only way she could escape her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole.


Lucy sat up in bed and turned on the light. "It's Sunday, time for church!" she sang.

Her sister pulled the covers over her head. "Lucy, turn off the light. You know we don't go to church anymore."

Lucy could hear her parents in the kitchen. But she knew they weren't getting ready for church. Rather, they were involved in a much darker pursuit. Lucy put on her dress and hurried out of the room, leaving the door open and the light on.

Lucy could remember when her parents used to take her family to church, but that hadn't happened in a while. Since then Lucy had noticed that her once happy and righteous household had devolved into an evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole.

Her mom stood at the counter in her sleeveless sundress, pouring a cup of coffee. "Morning Lucy," she said with a smile. "Is Sister Gomez giving you a ride to church?"

"Yup." Every Saturday night while her family was wallowing in smut, Lucy called her Primary teacher and asked for a ride to church. Sister Gomez always said yes.

"You know, it would be really nice if you stayed home just this once. Grandma and Grandpa are coming over," her mother said.

But Lucy was unmoved. She knew that "just this once" would only be the tipping point.

Her dad's mug clinked as he set it on the table. "It would also be nice if you could help your sister with some chores before they get here."

Lucy scowled. Her father was so tricky. Using guilt to lure her into Satan's evil grip.

Knock, Knock.

Lucy looked at the door and grinned. Sister Gomez was here. She rushed to the door and threw it open. Sister Gomez stood on the threshold smiling.

"Hello Sister Gomez," said Mom.

"Sister Gomez, how are you doing?" asked Dad.

Sister Gomez ignored them. "Are you ready for church, Lucy?"

Lucy nodded and smiled back. "Yes!" she said, and closed the door behind her.

Her brother was out front mowing the lawn. He stopped for a second. "Hey there, Sister Gomez."

Sister Gomez grabbed Lucy by the arm, rushed her into her car and then peeled away from the curb.

Lucy sat reverently in sacrament meeting next to some adults who barely knew her. She listened to her Primary lessons and learned about Alma the Younger in the Book of Mormon. Although she didn't understand anything that was said, she knew that the superior feeling she had when she was in church proved that she was more spiritually mature than her family.

As she and Sister Gomez drove home after Primary, Sister Gomez said, "I admire you, Lucy. Most children who grow up in evil, sick, iniquitous hell holes can't muster the spiritual maturity to attend the one and only true church every Sunday."

"Thank you, Sister Gomez," Lucy replied primly. "I love being right."

As Lucy walked inside after being dropped off, she found her brother and grandpa at the dining room table playing gin rummy. Her sister, mom, and grandma were in the family room watching Downton Abbey and drinking tea. Then her dad walked in the back door with a stack of pizza boxes.

Aghast, and overwhelmed with spiritual maturity, Lucy put her hands on her hips and shouted:

"This is just WRONG!"

For a few long seconds everyone's eyes were on Lucy. Then Dad said, "Anyone want some pizza?"

"Yes, please."

"Sure, Dad."

"Thought you'd never ask."

Disgusted, Lucy heaved a sigh, marched into her room, shut the door, and sat on her bed. She said a prayer to Heavenly Father, asking for the spiritual maturity to survive another week in her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole. Then she opened her scriptures and began to read.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll send a Primary teacher over to collect your kid for church next Sunday.