From: Wilbur T. Nussel, soon to be former 2nd counselor in the Elders Quorum presidency
Subject: I want my planet back!
Recently an article on the LDS website announced a shocking reversal in longstanding Mormon doctrine:
"Latter-day Saints' doctrine of exhalation is often reduced in media to a (similarly) cartoonish image of people receiving their own planets."Excuse me? Since when did my future planet become a cartoon? It was supposed to be the real deal. And not "in media." In church! Every Sunday. They promised. My very own planet. For crying out loud, it's the least the Brethren can do for me, given what I've done for them.
What I've Done For Them (the short list)
- Attended all my meetings.
- Paid my tithing.
- Cleaned the ward meetinghouse toilets.
- Cleaned the interior of the Turley Family's Suburban.
- I read the entire Book of Mormon.
- Watched the Super Bowl every year on Monday.
- Knew the Church was true with every fiber of my being.
- Dutifully tried to collect fast offerings from the bitter inactive gay guy.
- Turned down a part as a member of the Zero Population Growth gang in Saturday's Warrior, citing moral objections.
- Sat through hour long one on ones with the bishop about masturbation.
- Raised my arm to the square and said "get thee hence" to the super-hot nonmember girl who flirted with me in high school.
- Served a mission in Hawaii where I wasn't allowed to go swimming or look at a girl's midriff.
- I spent an entire semester at BYU-Idaho.
- Accepted a blind date invitation composed on my windshield in unscrewed Oreos.
- Broke the above date when I discovered she wanted to go see Frozen.
I could go on, but you get it, don't you Abbottsville 4th? I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A PLANET! Also a whole string of bare-midriffed wives, including the super-hot nonmember girl from high school--after I convert her in the Spirit World, of course.
That's it, Brethren! You're not ripping off this worthy priesthood holder. Either refund me my entire planet or I'm done.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll level with you. You're going to get a planet. Just keep it on the "down low" when you're around the media.
Posts
In a way, this is pretty accurate. In real life, when people make tons of painful sacrifices for their faith, then realize that they won't be getting eternal rewards, they're understandably furious.
ReplyDeleteRight. And in that spirit, I suppose it's good that the church is letting folks know ahead of time. :)
DeleteDoes that mean he won't be tithing anymore?
ReplyDeleteDo they keep it on the "down low" to keep people from busting a gut? Kind of like the dead terrorists getting 72 virgins, isn't it.
Forget tithing. Enduring a semester at BYU-I alone ought to earn some poor schlub a planet. I hope he gives it all up!
DeleteYes, I think the Brethren are beginning to realize that the outside world finds this outer space notion mildly hilarious.
I always wondered how I'd have decorated my own planet. Letting that belief go relieved some decorating anxiety. =)
ReplyDeleteHa! I'm going to be thinking of your comment next time I'm in IKEA.
DeleteAll those decorating decisions would stress out the best of us. Should I put the deciduous forests here, or over there? Should I add a river delta here in the wetlands to break up the visual pattern? Does this volcano look gauche? So many decisions!
DeleteIndeed. I talked to an exmormon recently who said she'd designed her entire planet--lavender sky, orange oceans, etc. Sounded a little like an LSD trip.
DeleteHeather's comment reminds me of the 'sort of joke' about how Heavenly Father created the world(s) but consulted with Heavenly Mother on the colors, varieties of animals, etc, etc...
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is that the church is only saying these things in the essays to appeal to the 'others'. Wilbur will definitely get his planet. We'll have to consult the church curriculum to know the whole truth; or at least part of the whole truth. Sheesh, I'm so confused, I don't know what to think.
JJ, it is confusing. I do hope that poor Wilbur gets his planet. After all, he certainly has earned it. And it should be an awesome planet. Not some pathetic doomed little orb like Dantooine. :)
DeleteWilbur T. Nussel and Martin MacNeil (or however he spells his name) are arguably the two single biggest martyrs in all of Mormondom, with the obvious notable exceptions of Joe and Hyrum.
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, I've never in my life invited anyone on a blind date, or, for that matter, a 20/20 vision date, but even if I had done so, it would never have occurred to me to unscrew Oreos to compose the invitation. What a waste of perfectly good Oreos!
Additionally, does Brother Nussel know that the Super Bowl HAPPENED on a Sunday? Because he waited until Monday to watch, he may have averted the corruption/contamination/de-sanctification/ whatever of his own Sabbath, but what of the cast of thousands that committed unholy and unrighteous labor on the actual Sabbath? Even by watching a day later (and arguably screwing with designated FHE time in doing so, as even if Wilbur is single, he should at least be reading the manual on Monday evenings) Brother Nussel is aiding abetting countless gentiles in the defiling of their own Sabbath observances, albeit well after the fact.
ReplyDeleteSorry, Wilbur, . . no planet for you. Chances are that you're toiling away for Terrestrial glory at best.
P.S. This is from the viewpoint of my pious cousin Blair. I personally try to follow the directive of Matthew 7, though I'm not above passing along someone else's judgment of his or her fellow man.
OMG, I'll bet Wilbur never thought of that whole Superbowl happened on Sunday scenario!! Also, Alexis, if you don't learn how to ask guys out with unscrewed Oreo's, you can forget about finding a husband at BYU-I.
DeleteI bought a package of Oreos this morning so that I could practice my date-invitation technique, but my brother and cousin ate them before I could spell out the letter "W." Alas, I'm probably destined to remain a sweet spirit.
DeleteOr maybe you could compose an invitation in frosting on top of a dump cake!
DeleteYou do realize that you typed "doctrine of exhalation", eh? I like it better than that other one. Much more descriptive and true. : )
ReplyDeleteHa! No I didn't but t think I'm going to leave it that way.
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