Friday, March 14, 2014

Looks Like It's All Up To The Primary Now...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Marla Sweet, Ward Primary President
Subject: Lucy Finds a Way

I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to read the following article from The Friend--and then pass it on to the children of inactive members.

Lucy Finds a Way

By Stacy Coffee
(Based on a TRUE story)

Going to church by herself wasn't easy, but Lucy knew it was the only way she could escape her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole.


Lucy sat up in bed and turned on the light. "It's Sunday, time for church!" she sang.

Her sister pulled the covers over her head. "Lucy, turn off the light. You know we don't go to church anymore."

Lucy could hear her parents in the kitchen. But she knew they weren't getting ready for church. Rather, they were involved in a much darker pursuit. Lucy put on her dress and hurried out of the room, leaving the door open and the light on.

Lucy could remember when her parents used to take her family to church, but that hadn't happened in a while. Since then Lucy had noticed that her once happy and righteous household had devolved into an evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole.

Her mom stood at the counter in her sleeveless sundress, pouring a cup of coffee. "Morning Lucy," she said with a smile. "Is Sister Gomez giving you a ride to church?"

"Yup." Every Saturday night while her family was wallowing in smut, Lucy called her Primary teacher and asked for a ride to church. Sister Gomez always said yes.

"You know, it would be really nice if you stayed home just this once. Grandma and Grandpa are coming over," her mother said.

But Lucy was unmoved. She knew that "just this once" would only be the tipping point.

Her dad's mug clinked as he set it on the table. "It would also be nice if you could help your sister with some chores before they get here."

Lucy scowled. Her father was so tricky. Using guilt to lure her into Satan's evil grip.

Knock, Knock.

Lucy looked at the door and grinned. Sister Gomez was here. She rushed to the door and threw it open. Sister Gomez stood on the threshold smiling.

"Hello Sister Gomez," said Mom.

"Sister Gomez, how are you doing?" asked Dad.

Sister Gomez ignored them. "Are you ready for church, Lucy?"

Lucy nodded and smiled back. "Yes!" she said, and closed the door behind her.

Her brother was out front mowing the lawn. He stopped for a second. "Hey there, Sister Gomez."

Sister Gomez grabbed Lucy by the arm, rushed her into her car and then peeled away from the curb.

Lucy sat reverently in sacrament meeting next to some adults who barely knew her. She listened to her Primary lessons and learned about Alma the Younger in the Book of Mormon. Although she didn't understand anything that was said, she knew that the superior feeling she had when she was in church proved that she was more spiritually mature than her family.

As she and Sister Gomez drove home after Primary, Sister Gomez said, "I admire you, Lucy. Most children who grow up in evil, sick, iniquitous hell holes can't muster the spiritual maturity to attend the one and only true church every Sunday."

"Thank you, Sister Gomez," Lucy replied primly. "I love being right."

As Lucy walked inside after being dropped off, she found her brother and grandpa at the dining room table playing gin rummy. Her sister, mom, and grandma were in the family room watching Downton Abbey and drinking tea. Then her dad walked in the back door with a stack of pizza boxes.

Aghast, and overwhelmed with spiritual maturity, Lucy put her hands on her hips and shouted:

"This is just WRONG!"

For a few long seconds everyone's eyes were on Lucy. Then Dad said, "Anyone want some pizza?"

"Yes, please."

"Sure, Dad."

"Thought you'd never ask."

Disgusted, Lucy heaved a sigh, marched into her room, shut the door, and sat on her bed. She said a prayer to Heavenly Father, asking for the spiritual maturity to survive another week in her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole. Then she opened her scriptures and began to read.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll send a Primary teacher over to collect your kid for church next Sunday.


24 comments:

  1. Yep. All that coffee drinking and TV watching is plunging that family into its own Sodom and Gomorrah! Yeek. Give me a evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole any day.

    Lucy, like too many people in real life, is more in love with the idea of being spiritual than with actual spiritual insight and exploration.

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    1. The real article that this post parodies is in this month's The Friend--the LDS children's magazine. I think it's unconscionable that the church would encourage children to behave so disrespectfully toward their parents.--And yes, the family the real article is merely guilty of drinking coffee and watching TV on Sunday.

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  2. Such sinfulness!
    I remember trying intensely to "feel spiritual" around the time of my confirmation in the Lutheran church at about age 13. It wasn't long before I realized that the feeling just wasn't there. By the time I got to college I pretty much avoided the "math" building. You know, the one with the big plus sign on the top.

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    1. Ha! There isn't a whole lot of logic inside of that "math" building.

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  3. The Mormons; tearing families apart since 1830.

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    1. Also, I loved your recent post on this subject, Jill. http://thoughtspercoffee2.blogspot.com/2014/03/families-are-forever-unless.html

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  4. Oh man. If it wasn't for Sister Gomez...she's a true saint.

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  5. The only unrealistic part of this story was when Lucy bypassed the pizza and went into her room to get away from the sinners. In real life she would have taken a piece or two of pizza with her into her room, said a blessing (also taking the time to thank Heavenly Father that she was not like the evil Sabbath-breakers in the next room) and downed the pizza. The pizza was already purchased and the Sabbath was already broken. Lucy would not have been compounding the sin by eating contraband pizza. Even if it had been fast Sunday and Lucy had not yet completed her fast, she should have taken pizza herself and hidden it so that the pigs in the next room would not eat it all by the time her fast was complete.

    Anyone who lives by the Spirit to the degree that Lucy does would have known this.

    Otherwise, the story was spot-on, and I have no trouble believing that it was taken from a real-life story.

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    1. You're so right, Alexis. Lucy should have snatched a slice of pizza and then stomped into her room.

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  6. P..S. Is the inspiration for the story printed in this month's Friend? If so, I must look it up.

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  7. I looked it up and read it. There's hardly any difference between the two! We all need to start submitting our literary masterpieces to the Friend.

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    1. Tell me about it. I want to make money writing one of those cheesy Mormon romances like "The Bishop's Bride," etc and maybe get back that tithing I used to pay.

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    2. Even if it's cheesy, I'll buy a copy.

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  8. I used to hate going to church by myself while my parents stayed home and drank coffee and ate pizza. Unrighteous assholes.

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    1. Sigh. You just didn't realize how lucky you were. lol

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  9. lol I remember my mom driving to the grocery store after church one Sunday and I refused to go in. I insisted on sitting in the car and waiting for her. I was so Lucy!

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    1. Ha! So maybe there's hope for Lucy after all. Yes, I had my Lucy moments too.

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  10. Also have to add that I love that part where Katie loves her family "no matter what!"

    Cult conditioning at its most despicable.

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    1. Yes! I loved that part too. Then rather than spend the rest of the day with them she leaves sit by herself in her room and read scriptures.

      Years ago when Mark was still attending he had a meeting with his EQ President right after moving to a new ward. Upon introduction, Mark explained that I no longer attended. The EQP gave him this sympathetic look and said, "But you love her."

      Blech.

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    2. That gave me goosebumps and not the good kind. And yes - the way poor little Katie retires to her bedroom to pray for her sinful family and read her scriptures …. oh my. They start them young, don't they?

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  11. Family church my eye! Keeps folk so busy apart from family that the FAMILY comes a distant second.About time this very large lifestyle business lost it's 501c

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    1. Right. And the church magazine encourages little girls to go to church alone and then go home and sit in their rooms by themselves.

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