Thursday, June 14, 2012
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Pass Out Those BOM's Today!
Recently a member told me that he was hesitant about sharing the Book of Mormon. He claimed to let days, weeks, months, even years pass until he found an intelligent, thoughtful nonmember whom he believed was truly interested. Then, and only then, would he share our sacred text. Sounds reasonable, right? But here's the thing:
There are no thoughtful and intelligent nonmembers because anyone with even a hint of smarts is already a Mormon!
The flaw in my friend's logic got me thinking. We really can't afford to wait for the opportunity to present itself. Think of the poor miserable nonmember. He wants to be happy but he doesn't know how. And the Book of Mormon has every answer he needs. So I decided to make it my answer to all of the questions I was asked during a single workday, thereby inundating the minds of my ignorant coworkers with constant reminders of their one and only true way to happiness.
Here's how it went:
"Hello H. LaVar, how was your weekend?"
"Splendid Myrtle! I spent it reading the Book of Mormon. Here's one for you."
"How are your kids these days?"
"They can't get enough of the Book of Mormon. Here's one for your kids, Joanne."
"I don't have any kids."
"Do you know if there are any more coffee filters?"
"No, but you can always use a Book of Mormon."
"Can you round this estimate up to the thousandths?"
"No, but I can tell you about the thousands of people whose lives have been blessed by the Book of Mormon."
"Say, H. LaVar, my desk keeps wobbling, can you help me level it?"
"Why don't you stick this Book of Mormon underneath one side."
"The drain field kit for the septic system is on back order. What should I tell the client?"
"Tell him we'll overnight a caseload of Book of Mormons."
"Jesus Turley, you were gone for 25 whole minutes and I actually got some work done. Where the hell were you?"
"In the bathroom, Tom, with my Book of Mormon. Here's one for you to take to the stall next time."
"Turley, are you ever going to shut the f$%k up about the godd@#$ed Book of Mormon today?"
"No, Dave, I'm not."
Soon after I answered Dave's question, the office grew uncharacteristically quiet. I peeked over the top of my cubicle to see that all my coworkers had abandoned their desks. Where had they gone? There could be only one conclusion. They were all in the john with the Book of Mormon. I smiled and congratulated myself on my success.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send your request to Brother Turley who has all the answers.