Super Special Standards Night For The Young Women

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: The best Standards Nights ever!


Last weekend the Young Women of the Abbottsville Stake were privileged to hear from the popular youth speaker, L. Franklin Higginbottom. As a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, Elder Higginbottom travels extensively on behalf of the Church, and has an uncanny knack for being seated next to celebrities on airplanes. Here is an excerpt from his remarks:


Once on a flight to Houston I happened to be seated next to a sickly looking man with a funny accent. 


"My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom," I said. "I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"


"My name is Mick Jagger," he said.


Now, please understand I am in no way speaking evil of the man. I have all the respect in the world for Mick Jagger. It's just that I think his life, his work, and everything he stands for and believes is repulsive, disgusting, and totally of the devil. 


So naturally I was anxious to talk to him. As we proceeded in the discussion he probably had four or five alcoholic drinks. I finally asked, "Tell me Mick, with all due respect, why do you play such sleazy and revolting music?"


"L. Franklin," he said. - And this is a DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I play is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


So you see my young sisters? This is what the world is trying to do to you! Let me share another experience.


Once on a flight to Detroit I sat next to a scantily clad woman also with a funny accent.


"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"


"My name is J.K. Rowling."


"Hello miss," I replied.


"I SAID my name is J.K. Rowling." She pointed to the book in her lap. 


"Oh my heck," I said. "I thought you were a man!"


"Well you were bloody well wrong then, weren't you?" she said.


I said a silent prayer for guidance, then I respectfully asked, "No offense, ma'am, but why do you write such sleazy, satanic, revolting books?"


"L. Franklin," she said. - Another DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I write is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


And try this one on for size:

Once on a Jet Blue flight into Pocatello I sat next to a woman who wore a plunging neckline that revealed a lizard tattoo on her left bosom.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's you name?"

"My name is Hillary Clinton."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to speak evil of the woman. I have nothing but respect for her personally. It's just that I think her life, her work, and everything she stands for belongs in the toilet.

"Tell me Hillary, why do you represent such vile and disgusting values?"

After four of five alcoholic drinks, she answered:

"L. Franklin," she said. - I swear this is verbatim. - "Everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

Allow me to share one more experience. On the rental car shuttle at the Cleveland airport I happened to sit next to a dark complected young man with a suspiciously pleasant expression.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"

"My name is Barack Obama."

I said a silent prayer for guidance, then asked, "Barack, with all due respect, why do you say such vile, disgusting, obnoxious ..."

He raised a hand to silence me. "OK man, I think I know where you're going with this. The truth is, L. Franklin, everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


So there you go!


Elder Higginbottom concluded his remarks by warning the Young Women to stop listening to music, reading books, and watching the news. In their place he suggested they study the teachings of the man who genuinely admired LDS Young Women: The Prophet, Joseph Smith.


If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you've probably had four or five alcoholic drinks.