Thursday, September 1, 2011

Guidelines For The Future LDS Father-In-Law

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Advice to future fathers-in-law

One of the most important and special moments in a father's life is when he sits down with his future son-in-law for a heart to heart about that little girl they both love. Recently a prestigious on-line magazine addressed this topic with a list of discussion points and red flags for today's concerned patriarch. I have copied their author's list below along with some additions of my own, based on my years of conducting intimate and lengthy one on one interviews with literally hundreds of young men. Trust me Brethren, they're all the same -- as are we.


Begin with a prayer to Heavenly Father that He might bless you with the understanding and tact necessary for such a delicate conversation, then launch into the following Discussion Points:
  • How do you intend to support my daughter?
  • Did you choose that career because it will allow you free access to porn?
  • What does your father do?
  • What kind of kinky stuff is he into?
  • Is your mother a stay at home mom?
  • Ever catch her reading dirty stories while the kids are napping?
  • What about your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins -- any of them like nookie?
  • Do you attend church regularly?
  • How much time do you spend in the ward men's room?
  • Did you serve a full time mission?
  • Ever fantasize about your mission companions naked?
  • How do you define porn?
  • And were you thinking about my daughter when you answered that question?
  • How have you recovered from your porn addiction?
  • Who helped you recover?
  • How do you manage to control yourself now?
As the conversation progresses, keep an eye out for these Red Flags:
  • He admits that he used to look at porn, has stopped doing it, but fails to explain how.
  • He claims he overcame the problem all by himself.
  • He's never admitted to anyone that he has a problem with porn.
  • He's wearing a blue tie.
  • He's vague about how he avoids porn.
  • He acts defensive and is insulted by your questions.
  • He acts overly sincere and emphatic.
  • He keeps looking at his watch.
  • He's not wearing a watch.
  • He appears "too perfect" as if he really isn't a pervert.
  • He's staring at you like you're nuts.
At the close of this session, offer a prayer to Heavenly Father that your future son-in-law might repent so that he may eventually be worthy to be part of your eternal family. Then schedule a follow-up interview.

    If would like to stop receiving these emails we can't help but wonder what kind of kinky stuff you're into.


    1. Are ALL Mormon fathers this repressed and neurotic? Yeeek.

    2. Does "He's staring at you like your nuts" mean that he stares at you the same way he stares at your nuts, or did you mean "you're?"

    3. @Ahab, well the guy that wrote that Meridien Magazine certainly is!

      @Goldarn, ROTFLMAO! Yes I believe that error may have been intentional on some subconscious level. But I'll go in and correct it anyway :)

    4. Hey! This sounds a heck of a lot like my last bishop interview. "CD, what kind of kinky stuff turns you on? ... No, *I* don't need to know but God does. ... Yes, it's true He already knows but he needs you to say out loud to me ..."

    5. @CD Ew!! No wonder it was your last! Or maybe I should say, thank god it was your last. Some people keep going back for more. :(

    6. *snort* Loved the "dirty stories" link.

    7. Thanks Zena! You're obviously a cultivator and composer of high brow literature. ;)

    8. Cognitive Dissenter -- What you describe sounds like borderline clergy abuse. I'm glad you're not in that toxic environment anymore.

    9. You forgot to mention another red flag... If the dude has a smart phone. Those are all sorts of trouble!

    10. Heather, no kidding! Frankly, I think he left out a plethora of red flags. ;)

    11. My daughter tells the tale of the interview to which we subjected her first date. She's a married mother of three now, but she tells that story with a combination of amazement, fondness and alarm. Now, I'm thinking I need a do-over; I forgot to ask the porn questions.

      Still, the guy never came back for a second date, so I must have done something right.

    12. Wow, that's some pretty serious vetting you do. You're like the Department of Homeland Security.

    13. Nance, my oldest is a boy. I remember when I helped move him into his freshman coed dorm room at Oberlin College. I was in his room alone momentarily when a woman moving her daughter in across the hall walked in and without introduction barked, "Boy's room?" I said yes, and she replied in a raised voice, "My daughter is VERY PRIVATE!" Scared the shit out of me! Can't imagine how my son would have reacted. But because I also have a daughter, I applaud her, and you!

      Now you know that if you ever need to terrify somebody like that again, the LDS Church is an excellent resource. Also if you want to amass huge quantities of powdered milk and freeze-dried pear flakes. :)

    14. @Elliot, I think President Knightly and his peers would find the Department of Homeland Security to be extraordinarily lax. Thanks for dropping by!