Friday, August 26, 2011

LDS Less Active Endures Guidance Session

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Guiding the less active

Less Actives are so misguided. Always refusing to follow our lead. Sometimes we're tempted to blow them off, and leave them to their wandering. But here's the thing. Nobody with any sense of direction leaves the one and only true church. Consider the reason the Less Active lost his way in the first place: some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Let's face it, he doesn't know where he's going.

The problem is he asks the wrong questions, the kind that lead down the path to destruction. That's why I never answer the question a Less Active asks. Instead I answer the question he should have asked. For example, when a Less Active asks, "Why did the Mormons practice polygamy?" I instead hear, "What's the LDS Church's stand on traditional marriage?" When he says, "How come my wife can't hold the priesthood?" I assume he meant to say, "Would you like my wife to bake you a casserole?" When he asks, "Why is wine against the Word of Wisdom?" I pretend he asked, "I'm all out of grape Kool Aid, can you loan me a packet?"

For example, the following exchange occurred on the front porch of one such Less Active.

Me: Good afternoon, Sister Misguided. I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Sister Misguided: Turley, I've told you a thousand times I don't want any nut loaf. Now what the #%^$; are you doing here?

Me: Why thank you, I'd love to come in.

Sister Misguided: I didn't invite you in @$$hole. I asked you what you're doing here.

Me: I understand you have some questions about the church.

Sister Misguided: Why would you think that?

Me: Don't be shy, just ask!

Sister Misguided: I'm not being shy. I want to know why you're here!

Me: Well, we Mormons have always had our persecutors.

Sister Misguided: Turley, what the hell are you talking about?

Me: Um . . . I don't know that we teach it.

Sister Misguided: That answer made no sense. Why won't you get off my porch?

Me: Probably because they were offended and wanted to sin.

Sister Misguided: Are you insane?

Me: Of course I am. I don't know why people think the Mormons aren't Christians. I mean, Jesus Christ is part of the official name of our church.

She slammed the door. I knocked. No response. I banged on the door. Still no response. I banged on the door and sang out "yoo hoo" simultaneously. She opened up and zapped me in the face with pepper spray. I screamed.

Me: Um . . . OK . . . Will I see you in church this Sunday?

Sister Misguided: Because I don't own a stun gun or an Uzi! Now will you get off my porch?

Rather than answer the question she should of asked. I retreated to my car and washed out my eyes with my water bottle. Then I drove off, congratulating myself on my success.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, don't be shy, just ask!


  1. Does Turley have a thought disorder, perhaps?

  2. LOL, I just read the wikipedia page. Thanks for the link, Ahab. Yeah, he might. He definitely has a one track mind.

    I'm embarrassed to say I've exhibited some of those symptoms myself at times. ;)

  3. LOL. I ran in to an exmo friend today who told me he shared my blog with a devout Mormon, hoping it would help her see the light (not unless she's golden!). She claimed she read the entire thing and I am only one of those angry bitter exmo's who can't leave it alone.

    What?! Did she not see my bear pics? ; )

  4. OMG, CD! The bears are adorable. Also the moose pics from your back yard. My guess is that we laugh a lot more than she does. ;)