Friday, August 19, 2011

Ingredients For A Super-Yummy Ward Banquet

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Grant Bixby, Ward Activities Leader
Subject: The upcoming ward banquet

As many of you know, budget cuts have forced us to scale back on ward activities. But hopefully, with the help of your donations, we can still enjoy another sumptuous ward banquet. Below is a list of the ingredients we need based on the expected turn out of 200 people.

  1. Raspberry jell-O -- 100 packets
  2. Fruit cocktail -- 75 cans
  3. Cool Whip -- 50 tubs
  4. Potato flakes -- 200 pounds
  5. Cream of mushroom soup -- 300 cans
  6. Tater tots -- 250 pounds
  7. Green beans -- 100 cans
  8. Ground beef -- 1 pound
  9. Dehydrated onions -- 10 pounds
  10. Velveeta cheese -- 200 pounds
  11. Rolls -- 600
  12. Rice Krispies -- 25 boxes
  13. Marshmallow creme -- 75 jars
  14. Butter -- 400 pounds 
  15. Salt -- as much as possible
  16. Hawaiian Punch -- 300 gallons
We appreciate any donations, no matter how small. Deliver them to the church by 3:00 PM next Friday. With any luck, somebody will be there to whip them into the super-yummy meal we're all looking forward to. If not, we'll have to rely heavily on the blessing on the food.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you have a very poor appetite and will send over a pound of potato flakes.


  1. Do the words "fresh produce" mean anything to the Mormon banquet organizers?

    "With any luck, somebody will be there to whip them into the super-yummy meal we're all looking forward to."

    Translation: Womenfolk, you are hereby ordered to do all the work.

  2. Ahab, problem is fresh produce doesn't keep long enough to be in the a 2 year supply Mormons need in to sustain them through the impending Armageddon. (Which will probably occur any moment now that gay marriage is gaining acceptance.)

    And yes, if the women don't show to cook the meal there will be quite a bit of 'splaining to do!

  3. One pound of ground beef and 200 pounds of butter! LOLOLOLOL!

    I mean, ::shudder:::

    The memories ...

  4. CD, Ah yes, memories. And now I'm going to log off for a while and cook Mark's dinner ...

  5. Wow this ward actually follows the word of wisdom when it comes to eating meat sparingly!

  6. @Ali, hahaha, yes, the word of wisdom is all about healthy living. And the saints in Abbottsville follow it to a "t."