Friday, September 30, 2011

Super Special Standards Night For The Young Women

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: The best Standards Nights ever!



Last weekend the Young Women of the Abbottsville Stake were privileged to hear from the popular youth speaker, L. Franklin Higginbottom. As a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, Elder Higginbottom travels extensively on behalf of the Church, and has an uncanny knack for being seated next to celebrities on airplanes. Here is an excerpt from his remarks:


Once on a flight to Houston I happened to be seated next to a sickly looking man with a funny accent. 


"My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom," I said. "I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"


"My name is Mick Jagger," he said.


Now, please understand I am in no way speaking evil of the man. I have all the respect in the world for Mick Jagger. It's just that I think his life, his work, and everything he stands for and believes is repulsive, disgusting, and totally of the devil. 


So naturally I was anxious to talk to him. As we proceeded in the discussion he probably had four or five alcoholic drinks. I finally asked, "Tell me Mick, with all due respect, why do you play such sleazy and revolting music?"


"L. Franklin," he said. - And this is a DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I play is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


So you see my young sisters? This is what the world is trying to do to you! Let me share another experience.


Once on a flight to Detroit I sat next to a scantily clad woman also with a funny accent.


"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"


"My name is J.K. Rowling."


"Hello miss," I replied.


"I SAID my name is J.K. Rowling." She pointed to the book in her lap. 


"Oh my heck," I said. "I thought you were a man!"


"Well you were bloody well wrong then, weren't you?" she said.


I said a silent prayer for guidance, then I respectfully asked, "No offense, ma'am, but why do you write such sleazy, satanic, revolting books?"


"L. Franklin," she said. - Another DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I write is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


And try this one on for size:

Once on a Jet Blue flight into Pocatello I sat next to a woman who wore a plunging neckline that revealed a lizard tattoo on her left bosom.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's you name?"

"My name is Hillary Clinton."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to speak evil of the woman. I have nothing but respect for her personally. It's just that I think her life, her work, and everything she stands for belongs in the toilet.

"Tell me Hillary, why do you represent such vile and disgusting values?"

After four of five alcoholic drinks, she answered:

"L. Franklin," she said. - I swear this is verbatim. - "Everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

Allow me to share one more experience. On the rental car shuttle at the Cleveland airport I happened to sit next to a dark complected young man with a suspiciously pleasant expression.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"

"My name is Barack Obama."

I said a silent prayer for guidance, then asked, "Barack, with all due respect, why do you say such vile, disgusting, obnoxious ..."

He raised a hand to silence me. "OK man, I think I know where you're going with this. The truth is, L. Franklin, everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


So there you go!


Elder Higginbottom concluded his remarks by warning the Young Women to stop listening to music, reading books, and watching the news. In their place he suggested they study the teachings of the man who genuinely admired LDS Young Women: The Prophet, Joseph Smith.


If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you've probably had four or five alcoholic drinks.

15 comments:

  1. I'll say he admired women, so much so that he married hella them (whatever the fuck that is).

    Kriss

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  2. I had the Mick Jagger Talk in the MTC By Elder Cook. It sounded like a load of crap to me then and I was a missionary!

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  3. @Kriss, yeah no kidding. Joseph really treated the girls with respect.

    @OMG, A.J. what a crazy experience that must have been. Did Cook sing during it too? blech

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  4. I would need four or five drinks just to sit next to a guy like that on a flight!

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  5. How can I drive young LDS women to sex? Being aware of current events? Treating them like human beings? Or is not wearing holy underwear enough to do it?

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  6. Oh, prairienymph, take off that holy underwear and who knows what will happen ...

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  7. Aww, there was no hope for us horny young women. I used to get all hot at ward socials just thinking about all that lime green jello with phallically shaped grated carrots. Don't even get me started on the creamy funeral potatoes and mouth-watering honey baked ham. Oh, and the KoolAid ...

    P.S. I lol'd several times during this post, Donna. Way to mock a sacred urban legend/bullshit lie!

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  8. Donna, you are priceless!

    I suppose all those celebrities were taking the cut-rate flights because they were trying to drive all the young LDS women to sex. Makes as much sense as anything else.

    A lizard tattoo? Really??

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  9. @CD, right. There's nothing sexier than a Mormon pot luck. Thank god we had those inspired standards nights to rein us in!

    Nance, you got it, for religious fundies it's all about sex. I wish they'd wake up and realize that they are the ones who are obsessed with it!

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  10. LOL... very funny!!! As usual. But very thought-provoking, too. I think back on my YW days and wish something had driven me to sex back then (and away from the Mormon Church). But NO, I had to endure 50 years of this mind-numbing religion before calling a TIME OUT!! Jeez...

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  11. @Diane, yeah I know, I should have listened to the Stones more too. But at least we're out now. : )

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  12. Holy lying, Batman - those are some really tall tales you tell. I'm certain every one of the people you sat next to, (really all of these famous people sat next to YOU?) didn't say the exact same thing. You sound like an idiot, not someone who should be telling others what to do.

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  13. oop, didn't realize this was satire - you can delete my previous comment - sorry!

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    1. Haha! Don't feel bad, katjoy, lots of people have mistaken my satire for the real thing. Probably because this sort of stuff actually happens in Mormon culture. Case in point: Gene R. Cook did claim to have talked with Mick Jagger on an airplane after the musician had consumed 4-5 alcoholic beverages and announced "I SAID my name is Mick Jagger!" Sigh.

      And, yes, he (Gene R. Cook) sounded like an idiot.

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