Friday, May 29, 2015

The G.A.s Fight the War in Heaven

Mormon General Authorities' Role in The War in Heaven to be Subject of New Mini-Series
The Salt Lake News - published Friday, May 29, 2015

Filmmaker Lowell Swainston (The Naked Testimony, The Naked Testimony 2 1/2) has created a new mini-series that twists the conventional Mormon view of the Pre-Existence. Pre-Mortal Saints: the War on Sex will begin airing this Sunday.

The concept that the most righteous spirits in the Pre-Existence were destined for greatness in this mortal life has been long embraced by believing Mormons. Traditionally, this meant that the most valiant in the pre-life, most specifically during the fabled "War in Heaven," were slated for top positions in the Mormon hierarchy. But recently, monumental bungling by the Brethren coupled with the dawn of a surprising strain of rational thought have brought this theory into question.

"Over the years, the General Authorities have devoted the better portion of their lives to fighting masturbation, gay sex, pre-marital sex, oral sex, kinky sex, sex education, sexual freedom, sexy thoughts, sexy underwear, anything and everything remotely sexual," Swainston explained. "Despite the relative success of their efforts, these seem like weak issues compared to the causes championed by Dr. Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi. It made me wonder, what exactly did these bozos do up there to land a GA gig down here?"

His curiosity piqued, Swainston posed the question on Twitter, drawing over 500 tweets inside of an hour.

"The general consensus was that the Brethren must have dedicated their pre-mortal lives to the obliteration of all forms of sexual pleasure," Swainston explained. "Once I had that figured out, the whole thing sort of wrote itself."

Excerpt from Episode 1:

Scene: Colonel Barack Obama is standing in a Telestial High School hallway opposite rising seniors, Boyd K. Packer, Mark E. Petersen and Spencer W. Kimball  

Obama: Good afternoon, young patriots, I understand you have served valiantly in your posts as hall monitors for the boys bathroom. 

Packer, Petersen and Kimball: Yes sir!

Obama: I've come here to enlist your support in the War in Heaven. Young Packer, are you up to the challenge?

Packer: Sir, yes sir! Only...

Obama: Only what?

Packer: Only I hate to leave my work here. It's essential to the preservation of my little factory, and to the safety of that of my fellow brethren as well.

Obama: Exactly what is your little factory?

Packer: Sir, it's my link to the creation, the life blood of my power down on earth, the vital essence of my godhood.

Obama: Packer, what the hell are you talking about?

Packer: My penis and testicles, sir.

Obama: So you're saying that serving in the War in Heaven might endanger your dick?

Packer: Maybe, sir. Where might I be called to serve?

Obama: The campaigns of Generals Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, and Albert Einstein are all in desperate need.

Packer: A woman, a gay and an intellectual? I'm sorry, sir, but they pose the three most vital threats to my little factory.

Obama: I can see why you might think that. What about you, Petersen? Worried about your vitals too?

Petersen: Sir, yes sir! That's how it all starts. I leave my post and first thing you know I'll be touching myself outside of normal toilet processes. That's how it always starts. (whimpers) I do my best to control myself - I leave the bathroom and shower doors open, dress in constrictive clothing, snack constantly, tie my hand to the bed rail, imagine myself in a tub of worms ... I even scream STOP at the top of my lungs.

Obama: And none of this works?

Petersen: (dabs brow with hanky) Something always happens to trip me up. Maybe I see myself in the mirror naked or I eat a little too much spicy food or I wake up with a full bladder, and bam! I'm at it all over again.

Obama: Thanks for sharing that, Petersen.

Petersen: Sir, yes sir!

Obama: Kimball, what do you have to say for yourself?

Kimball: Sir, I would like to say that I think your people - that the Negroes - are as righteous as we Whites in the Pre-Existence. Native Americans are too. And I plan to preach equality when I am on Earth.

Obama: That's commendable, son.

Kimball: I also intend to stand against nuclear proliferation.

Obama: Excellent. So will you join us in the War in Heaven?

Kimball: I'd like to, sir. But I don't think I can after last night.

Obama: Last night?

Kimball: Colonel, at a weak moment I began to masturbate...that led to group masturbation...that led to an act of homosexuality...and then... (his eyes tear up)

Obama: And then what?

Kimball: (exhales) I had sex with my horse.

Obama: (glares back at him) Your horse? Kimball, I admit that out of the lot of you turkeys you are probably the only one I would agree to have a beer with. Still, you are one sick and twisted son of a gun.

Kimball: Sir, yes sir!

Obama: You three are unfit for duty in the War in Heaven. I order you to stand your posts here in the Telestial High School boys room and reap the eternal consequence.

Packer, Petersen, Kimball: (raise their arms in salutes) Sir, yes sir.

Obama: (briefly returns salute) At ease.

Petersen: Oh no, sir. That's how it all starts.

Nine episodes of Pre-Mortal Saints are scheduled to air this season. However, based on viewer demand, the filmmaker will consider an extension of the project. "Every LDS General Authority played his own unique role in the global war on sex," Swainston told the News.


  1. Donna, you made me snort, chortle and guffaw. Thanks for your always hilarious blog posts, my friend.

  2. This is all kinds of fantastic!

    It's also kind of fun to think of Eleanor Roosevelt and Albert Einstein fighting side by side in the War in Heaven. But now I'm envisioning them with lightsabers, and I feel like that's not supported by official church doctrine.

    1. The official church doctrine is indeed murky here. For one thing, nobody in the Pre-Existence had a body - making it difficult to grip a light saber, also to envision a war.

      But then, it's best not to dwell on it. Go back to drinking our milk. ;)

  3. hilarious. No body makes it difficult to grab your light saber or your little factory. ;o) Or are those one in the same?

  4. hilarious. No body makes it difficult to grab your light saber or your little factory. ;o) Or are those one in the same?

  5. JJ, it does stretch credulity. Also, if you're hilarious theory about the light saber is correct, I'm sure Eleanor Roosevelt wouldn't be allowed to have one. ;)

  6. I understand that it's satire, but it's so close to what is actually taught that it is positively eerie. Ive' been in a Sunday school class where the teacher, a convert, argued in a most hostile manner with the youth of the class. The class members, many of whom were grandchildren of the Mormon elite, and mostly boys, had no trouble telling the the man, who in his three years in the church had made it to the stake high counsel, that they had obviously been more valiant in the preexistence than he had based on birth in the church, and in particular, their birth to the elite in the church. I sat silently for awhie. I knew anything I said about how we just don't know and that it was a ridiculous argument on both sides (the teacher said he was more valiant than the youngsters because HF trusted him to find his way to the truth even without BIC status.

    Even tually I raised my hand and said, "I'm born through the lines of the church's elite. Do you all believe that I was more valuable than this man or anyone else?" They first stared in slack-jawed silence, then forgot the rest of their argument and all began yelling about what a sinner I was. Coming from them, it was high praise.

  7. Thanks Heather and Marion!

    Alexis, I've never heard it put so bluntly, but I certainly got the drift of the whole "we were more righteous" from the Mormon elites at BYU. Very strange that anyone can believe that MLK was "less righteous in the pre-existence" than, say, Paul H. Dunn.

  8. I find myself with jaw hanging open and wondering what color the sky is on the Mormon Homeworld. More righteous in the pre-existence. Awesome and hilarious!

    1. Jono, when I was at BYU there was a girl in my dorm who had designed the planet she and her husband/god were destined to acquire: Lavender sky, yellow grass, pink water, etc. !!

  9. Donna, your posts never cease to amaze me. Simply awesome!!

    1. Aw, thanks Diane - right back at you Brodie winner!

  10. I always suspected that Kimball had a thing for his horse.

    Nicely done. : )

    1. Thanks AT. Based on their shared philosophies, I think we could make a case that Mormon General Authorities should not be allowed to have pets.

  11. My grandfather is honestly convinced they went around castrating evil males.