Friday, June 5, 2015

Destined for Destruction, and Proud of It!

A couple of years ago Mark and I were eating dinner at the Applebee's in Bountiful, Utah. The booth next to us was filled with bouncy Mormon teenagers enjoying ice-cream sundaes. A young lady in the group announced that she had been accepted into a summer program in Los Angeles. Then, when some others in the party voiced concern, she replied loudly, "Don't worry. Only San Francisco is going to fall into the ocean!"

We had to smile. It had been some time since we'd entertained this apocalyptic forecast from our former doomsday cult. Of course, in our day, it wasn't just SF, but the entire state that was destined to fall into the ocean. Why single out San Francisco? Well, there was the whole hippie/free love thing, followed by the whole gay thing, followed by ... what? The whole techie thing? Are algorithms a tool of Satan? Worldly knowledge, I suppose.

I must say, as a native Angeleno I am offended by this exclusion. I beg your pardon, but L.A. has totally earned its part in God's final Big One, thank you very much! Where do you think He got the script?



For those of you who have not had the good fortune to be members of the one and only true church, it's not just hippies, gays, and software engineers whom the Mormons have destined to perish in the wake of Jesus' return, it's everyone who isn't dedicating all of his time, talent and resources to the LDS Church. - People who enjoy iced tea or cocktails on a lazy Sunday afternoon. People who are obsessed with truth and scientific fact. People who pick out their own underwear. - That would include not only the state of California, but also the Pacific Northwest, the entire Atlantic Coast, and most points in between.

I admit that falling into the ocean isn't a pleasant prospect. But we've all got to go sometime. And if my options are ... plunging to my death on a lazy Sunday afternoon, cocktail in hand, in the underwear of my choice vs. enduring to the end, painfully sober, and left to exist on a diet of powdered milk, nitrogen packed wheat and dehydrated pear flakes ... I'll take the whole plunging to my death scenario.

I'm guessing there are even some folks in Bountiful, Utah who might agree with me. The bar at the Applebee's was surprisingly busy when Mark and I dined there a couple of years ago.

19 comments:

  1. I'm with you. Cocktails and bikini undies all the way!

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  2. I can't wait for the fun to begin! I might not even wear ANY underwear!

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  3. I can't wait for the fun to begin! I might not even wear ANY underwear!

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  4. Cocktails and grannypannys!!

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  5. Thanks knotty, Jono, and JJ. This lends a whole new dimension to that warning our mothers used to give us about not leaving the house in dingy underwear that an EMT might potentially see.

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  6. I'm so glad the young lady was able to reassure her friends!

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  7. My heart goes out to Mormons who die in their underwear while sober. So sad.

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  8. It is indeed a sad prospect, AT.

    Marion, I wonder what sort of evil influences she encountered during her summer in L.A. Tons, I hope!

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  9. If the east coast falls into the ocean, I'll be sipping craft beer and wearing comfortable cotton briefs when oblivion comes. Take that, Mormons!

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  10. Oh man. That group of girls sounds like me when I was a TBM and young...

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  11. Another great blog post. And I totally agree with all you said, Donna, especially about the whole plunging to my death scenario - definitely my choice as well. In fact, to take it even further, and to quote Billy Joel, I'd rather laugh with the Sinners than cry with the Saints because the Sinners are much more fun. When I was a TBM, the end terrified me because I obviously wasn't living up to what I was told was necessary in order to obtain "eternal salvation." But now, dying doesn't scare me any more. Leaving Mormonism behind has been an amazingly wonderful, freeing experience.

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    1. Good for you, Diane. I remember when the Billy Joel song came out. I thought it was great, would sing along, and then try and convince myself that it didn't make sense. -- Even though it obviously did.

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  12. MOST of California will slide off into the Pacific, but the Central Valley, California's own Bible Belt, will remain. I believe that scripture about "Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill made low" is talking abut that, except they got it a bit wrong. Not EVERY valley will be exalted, but CA's Central Valley will. There aren't enough mormons there, so there will be some minor flooding, but more than half of the non-Mormon Christians will survive when the quakes break the major dams. (If it happened today, everyone would survive because there's like zero water behind those dams.) Despite the chances of survival being greater in the Central Valley, I wouldn't live there unless it was a choice between that and Utah County, and even then, I might choose Utah County just because the land is prettier, and I could bring my own booze in from elsewhere.

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  13. MOST of California will slide off into the Pacific, but the Central Valley, California's own Bible Belt, will remain. I believe that scripture about "Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill made low" is talking abut that, except they got it a bit wrong. Not EVERY valley will be exalted, but CA's Central Valley will. There aren't enough mormons there, so there will be some minor flooding, but more than half of the non-Mormon Christians will survive when the quakes break the major dams. (If it happened today, everyone would survive because there's like zero water behind those dams.) Despite the chances of survival being greater in the Central Valley, I wouldn't live there unless it was a choice between that and Utah County, and even then, I might choose Utah County just because the land is prettier, and I could bring my own booze in from elsewhere.

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    1. The state liquor store in Provo was surprisingly busy when I was there last year. :)

      Not sure why so many comments have been duplicating lately. Maybe I'll chalk it up to reader enthusiasm!

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  14. Even considering that sF doen't have the sheer numbers to compete in terms of weirdos and evil people, LA has it beaten by miles. Venice Beach alone beats SF in terms of iniquity or bizarreness - whichever category one deems most likely to propel a region into the Pacific.

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