Friday, January 6, 2012

Fielding Those Pesky FAQ's

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Setting the record straight

As we head into 2012, the Romney and Huntsman candidacies promise to bring more scrutiny of the LDS Church. Unfortunately, this may lead to the spreading of many lies and misconceptions. So, now more than ever, it is essential that we are prepared to answer all of those Frequently Asked Questions. For example:

Do the Mormons really believe that God lives on a planet named Kolob?
No. That is a complete misconception. Kolob isn't a planet at all. It is a star near the planet that God lives on.
Do the Mormons practice polygamy?
No again. That is a bald faced lie. In fact, polygamy isn't even doctrine. Except for that part in the Doctrine and Covenants about how righteous Mormon men go on to become gods who impregnate hundreds of wives and populate their own planets.
Are the Mormons Christians?
Yes! In fact the Mormon Church is the only true Christian church. That is because we believe God flew from His planet (not Kolob) to our planet (Earth) and had sex with another man's wife (Mary) who then gave birth to His literal son, Jesus -- who went on to have His own plural wives and planet.
Also because we call ourselves The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.
Are Blacks given equal status in the Mormon Church?
Absolutely! Now that God has forgiven them for their cowardly conduct in the Pre-Existence, the descendants of Cain are entitled to all of the blessings of the Priesthood. So long as they are male, straight, and don't get too far above themselves.
What is the Mormon Church's stand on Same Sex Marriage?
Same Sex Marriage is a strange, perverted and bizarre practice that is at odds with Heavenly Father's definition of traditional marriage. That is, that marriage is between one man and hundreds of women who help Him populate his planet. (Not Kolob.)
When will Mormon women be given the Priesthood?
When pigs fly.

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***Note from blog owner: No offense to Brother Turley, but I think Justin is a far better spokesman. Only those nit-picky admins on took down his profile. -- WTF?

What blessings can you receive from reading the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and other scriptures?

Justin answered...
About the same blessings you get from reading The Lord of the Rings or any other work of fiction.


  1. "The Church of Latter Day Saints: Where the 19th Century comes alive! Tours daily!*

    *Except for most of the really interesting places."

    Do you think they'll let me write their ad copy for them, Donna?

  2. I don't know why not, Paul. They're letting you redesign their underwear...

  3. Here's Justin's bio:
    Hi, I'm Justin

    And I'm a Mormon.

    About Me

    Sure, there's something appealing about getting my own planet after I die (hopefully near Kolob - it's the *star* near where God lives, not a planet as many non-Mormons mistakenly believe)

    But there's more to it than that - the things that Mormonism can help out with in this life, making it easier.
    Why I am a Mormon

    Sadly, I missed the glory days before 1890 when I could have had more than one wife, and I even missed the 1978 deadline where I could have believed myself superior to black people (hey! It's not my fault they sinned in the pre-existance! If they didn't want to be black, they should have followed God right away instead of being a fence-sitter...)

    But I still do get the blessings that come with living the modern LDS gospel! I get to feel superior to people cursed with homosexual attractions, and my wife has to submit to me - I'm sure glad I have the priesthood!

  4. You know, Donna, the sad fact of the matter is -- given human nature -- if I was President of the Church and announced God wanted every Mormon to start wearing tiger striped and befeathered underwear, there would be all too few who questioned my authority. But if today I wrote a story about that, and published it, the story would at best be taken as a ridiculous exaggeration by the very people who would in an alternate universe be among the first to don my godly underwear.

  5. Thanks Donavan!

    Paul, spot on. That is a very good analogy.

  6. Oh buddy, didja write's sooooo funny and aweosme-n-stuff.


  7. kriss, thanks, but I owe all to the Mormons. :)

  8. It's telling when the damn funny stuff you write also happens to be true! Thank you for saving Justin's awesome profile before Big Mo Bro deleted it. : )

  9. CD, Justin is awesome...I have a feeling he'll be saved by lots of folks.

  10. Do you hear that sound? It's scores of uncomfortable Mormons squirming in their seats.

    Oh, and I love Justin's bio. He'd fit right in with us!

  11. @Ahab, yes I know, the poor Mormons. If only people would get their facts straight about what they believe. lol I know, Justin sounds like a very fun person to be around.

  12. There needs to be an "Everything You Wanted to Know About Mormons" PAC to help the Republicans get their message out to somebody. Justin should contribute.

  13. @Becky, lord knows we need them.

  14. Awesome! And thanks for saving Justin's profile. LOVE his answer... I think it's because Lord of the Rings is true... right??

  15. LOL, yeah, well The Lord of Rings does seem a lot more believable than certain other "sacred texts."

  16. I want to FB this post so bad, I can taste it. Only, I'm worried about the one Mormon friend who hasn't unfriended me yet. If I wait until tonight and have a couple of glasses of wine before I sign in, I'll never have this problem again.

    You are stupendous.

  17. Thanks Nance. I have the same problem on Facebook.

  18. So this is where you're hanging out these days, Justin. I've missed you. Now I'm off to post this link everywhere.