Friday, December 30, 2011

Abbottsville Mormons Ring in the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: New Year's party and resolutions

Because New Year's Day falls on a Sunday this year, we expect everyone to be in church first thing in the morning. In order to facilitate this, we ask all members of the Abbottsville Stake to set their clocks ahead 3 hours on December 31. That way we can have the annual New Year's Eve party until "midnight" and still get up for church the next day.

We'll party on the eve just like those sinful non-members do in Manhattan. Only it will be better because instead of drinking and reveling until dawn in Times Square, we'll be sitting in the stake center cultural hall. Both feet on the floor. Stone cold sober. Until the stroke of "midnight."

Also, don't forget it's resolution time! Here are a few of the suggestions released by the church correlation committee.

  1. Stay out of debt.
  2. Pay a full tithing.
  3. Get married.
  4. Finish you education.
  5. Start having children.
  6. Use your time wisely.
  7. Attend the temple.
  8. Read the Book of Mormon.
  9. Have more children.
  10. Stop questioning.
  11. Spend money wisely.
  12. Quit your job and be a stay at home mom.
  13. Give like the little stream.
  14. Magnify your calling.
  15. Wear your garments day and night.
  16. Get a new look and take up cool sport like skateboarding so you can star in an "And I'm a Mormon" advertisement.
  17. Repent.
  18. Find joy in living the Gospel.
  19. Avoid all loud laughter.
  20. Know the church is true with every fiber of your being.
  21. Stop being gay.
  22. Use cracked wheat in creative ways.
  23. Have more children.
  24. Read the Book of Mormon again.
  25. Vote Republican.
  26. Stop looking at porn.
  27. Admit you look at porn.
  28. Plant forget-me-nots.
  29. Stop having too much fun.
  30. Have more children.
-- A full list of approved resolutions has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because you're looking at porn, because, let's face it, you probably are.


  1. #23 is the most awesome and that is because I don't know what it means. It must be something awesome, after all there is only 22 ahead of it. Is it because I'm an outsiders, but it took me a while as I was going down the list and then "ohhhhh." Awesome buddies.

    Happy New Beer-n-stuffs,


  2. Yeek. With a list like that, there would be no opportunity for #29.

    Happy new year, Donna!

  3. Happy New Year back, Kriss and Ahab. I hope more blogging is on both of your "lists!"

  4. Cultural hall. CULTURAL HALL. The most niggling bit of Mormon doublespeak in my book...just call it the goddamn gym!

  5. LOL Right Diana. Not much culture. Just basketball and cheap wedding receptions.

  6. Golly gee that sounds like so much fun! How can they stand such joy?

    wv, bionci. isn't she a singer or something?

  7. True, Jono. However, I must confess that Mark and I may not make it to midnight. But we will be toasting with champagne. Happy New Year!

  8. I conclude from listening to the Iowa caucus messages that the Mormon/Evangelical alliance (if I may call it that, though they certainly wouldn't) would have us all ditch scientific method and move entirely back to the age of authority. If Romney gets the nomination, I expect the whole country is going to be boning up, so to speak, on what Mormonism is all about and this is going to be one hot little blog! Prepare for fame.

  9. I find myself in the scary position of almost hoping Romney gets the nomination. I almost hope he does every time I look at the other candidates. Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, etc. all make Romnney look good.

  10. @Nance,lol, yes, well as much as I would enjoy the attention I would prefer to see Romney lower his profile.

    That being said, I find myself agreeing with Paul. In 2008 I was afraid that McCain was going to pick Romney as a running mate -- then when he chose "her" the first words out of my mouth were, "What the hell was wrong with Romney?" It's a sad situation, I'm afraid.

  11. Again, this hits too close to home. Nobody does dorky like Mormons do. It comes from trying to act like they're drinking and having fun when they're not. It's creepy, really.

    We see it every night on a local station where the news anchors sit in front of a big ass window in downtown SLC. People line up in front of the window for a chance to get on tee-vee in EWE-tah.

    They're often wearing silly costumes, holding signs, jumping up and down and laughing hysterically. I'm not even kidding. It's quite a strange and disturbing display. They don't have enough self-insight to be even slightly embarrassed. Bizarre, not to mention unprofessional and distracting. Did I mention it's bizarre?

  12. Bizarre indeed, CD. Also that crazy UT NY Eve party you told me about -- was it the Temple of Boom? Anyhow grown adults banging on overturned garbage cans and popping balloons while painfully sober. Again, bizarre, also an obvious sign that they are self conscious about their lifestyle and want to look cool.