Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday Musings From The Mission Field

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: bon jour from the mission field!!!!

hey abbottsville fourth!!!!

first off, thanks all of you for your letters and care packages!! especially sister renfro for the super yummy yule log, and mom for my favorite snowball cookies with the extra chocolate chunks and marshmellow peeps. my comp says i have the best ward ever!!! 

i was bummed at the beginning of the week when we learnt that our most golden investigator, pierre, can't be baptized b/c his mommy refused to sign the paper. so now he has to wait 10 long years until he's a legal adult. :(((( also, it's christmas and instead of being home with mom and dad and gramma and uncle burt and aunt tooty, i'm here with comp in dumb old paris. then comp reminded me that we were in gay par-ee, and we should be gay!!! but i didn't feel gay. not even a little. :-/

but as a representative of the one and only true church, i had the spiritual maturity to ignore my personal needs and go about the work of the lord. so comp and i put on our happy faces and road our bikes over to the rue st. hornery to pass out pamphlets.

the street was packed with super uppity french people shopping for gifts at hoity toity stores like hermie's and verscratchy. of course they were all to prideful to take a pamphlet, but comp and i didn't let that stop us. we started sticking them anywhere we could, like in people's bags, or under their armpits. comp even managed to attach one to this old lady's hat!!! lol hahahahahaha :-))))) sometimes people got all mad and threw them on the ground, but that was ok cause then the wind just blew them all over france!!!  :-)))))

but here it was almost christmas and all anyone wanted to do was prance around in their gold and silver and fancy clothes and waist there filthy liquor on expensive things instead of listening to our humble message. it kind of reminded me of that Book of Mormon story where all the righteous people were holding onto the rod while the evil hateful ones were living it up in the great and spacious building. then i remembered how in primary class i told teacher that i wanted to climb up the tree of knowledge and swing like tarzan into the building and call everyone to repentance. teacher told me i was cute, but now i realized i was not only cute but also inspired. :-))))))

so comp and i charged into hermie's, pulled the mannequins off this display thingie, climbed up in their place, and i said:

"my fellow parisians, stop spending your filthy liquor on gold and silver and other hoity toity thingies. comp and i have a far more precious gift for you to give, the Book of Mormon!"

then this important looking man came up and demanded we get down from the display thingie. we said we wouldn't and he said we had to and we told him not until we red from the Book of Mormon. he started screaming for us to get down right away. we told him we didn't have to get down b/c we were god's servants and pretty soon we'd be gods ourselves -- while all he'd ever amount to is a lonely eunich way down in a lower kingdome. :-p

then he lunged at our legs. i jumped away and off the display thingie, but he got a hold of comp and said he was taking him to security. i ordered him to release comp. he refused. i raised my right arm to the square and ordered in the name of Jesus Christ. he still refused. so i grabbed a perfume bottle off this counter and sprayed him in the face. he let go of comp and yelled for security. the gendarmes came running through the store and we started running and pretty soon we were in a super cool chase scene like in the davinci code only instead of wonky professors we were valiant servants of the Lord which made us way cooler than tom hanks!!!! :-)))))

this went on for i don't know how long. maybe an hour. then we finally lost them when we ducked behind this curtain. we thought we were safe until we looked up and saw this lady staring at us in nothing but a bra and panties. sacre bleu!!!   = O   she just rolled her eyes and glared at us -- kind of like that horse faced sister missionary does whenever she sees us coming. we placed a Book of Mormon with her then escaped through an emergency exit.

minutes later comp and i found a quiet place in the jardeen de tweeteries, knelt in prayer, and thanked Heavenly Father for our many blessings. not only had we shared the gospel, placed a Book of Mormon and escaped the gendarmes, i still had that perfume bottle!!!! :-)))))) merry christmas mom! hahahaha

all in a day's work for comp and i. please keep sending care packages, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies. hahaha :-)))) lol lol lol 

love to all of you :-))))

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Renfro's super yummy yule logs.


  1. Why do I get the impression that Aunt Tootie has a flatulence problem?

    Anyway, Elder Young is going to rack up quite a criminal record before he's through with France. Disturbing the peace, simple assault, shoplifting perfume ... what's next?

  2. I have no words. And I spewed my coffee. You are truly inspired, Sis. Banta.

  3. Just Zena -- It's hard to come up with words in response to someone who ends sentences with :-)))))))))))!

  4. @Ahab, I think Elder Young's defense will be that he was representing the one and only true church.

    @Zena, :-)))))) We have great material!

  5. Although I am personally opposed to capital punishment, you have just now given me an insight into why the French felt it was necessary to invent the guillotine.

  6. LOL, yes Paul, those humble missionaries can drive even the gentlest souls to violence.

  7. Elder Young is destined for great things. Maybe someday he'll be an apostle and will write inspiring books about living happily ever after.

    (I'm slightly drunk ... which is one of the reasons why I snorted while reading this bit of historical fiction)

  8. It is now the next morning and I need more caffeine. Paul, aren't you glad that you weren't slightly drunk last night?

    But yes, CD, Elder Young definitely belongs to the right church! If he keeps all of his hair and hires a good tailor he could go on to be the next GA rock star!

    Thanks for your comments guys!