Friday, January 20, 2012

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward Society Page, vol. 2

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward
by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Harolds missed another house payment, the Turleys finally cleaned out the interior of their Suburban, and a new bed was recently delivered to the Maxwells. (An anonymous source claims that both the bed and Brother Maxwell have moved into the den.)

Other than that, love is in the air for the Fourth Ward, and just in time for Valentine's Day. Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have announced their intention to marry. The ceremony will take place as soon as possible, and will NOT be solemnized in the temple. The Sorensons escaped for a romantic weekend at their cabin at Lake Tahoe. -- I'm guessing that means Brother Sorenson finally got that prescription filled. ;) And Brother Gibson went out on an actual date!

The Relief Society again achieved 100% Visiting Teaching. Even poor Sister Banta got a visit. (The key is to arrive at her house before 10:00 AM so she isn't too ... you know.)

However tithing settlement was not so successful this year. The bishop is still waiting for the McGruffs, the Skousens, and Brother Gibson to come to his office and declare their income. If they don't do so soon, they can expect to lose their good standing in the ward, and any credibility whatsoever. Also, the bishop would like to extend his apology to the Russells. Acting on the suspicion that they hadn't paid an honest tithe, he demanded they submit their tax return. They complied -- and come to find out -- their donation really was 10% of Brother Russell's salary. (Oh dear!)

The Republican primaries have kept Brother Newsome of the Stake Public Affairs Council very busy. In addition to making cool, hip "And I'm a Mormon" ads, he's also engaged in a letter-writing campaign to stop the nosy liberals who want Mitt Romney to release his tax return. Honestly, have they no respect for privacy?

Finally, earlier this month Brother Payson was rushed to the Emergency Room with severe chest pains. Thank goodness the cause was only acute constipation! (My guess is the culprits are his sedentary lifestyle, an excessively high body mass index, and Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pie.)

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pies.


  1. Sister Banta isn't too, you know, before 10:00 a.m.? Of course that will change when ward members start showing up before 10:00 a.m. ; )

    I really miss that Sausage Velveeta Pie ... mmm mmm.

  2. No kidding, CD. It's much easier to get through one of those visits if you're a little too ... you know.

  3. Good to see Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have found themselves filled with the spirit of matrimony. I bet Tessie especially is just swelling up with pride as the day approaches.

  4. LOL subtlety is not Sister Loomis' strong point, Paul.

  5. For a good time, I can always count on the Fourth Ward. Any further news about Brother Gibson's actual date would be delicious.

  6. @ Nance, I'm all ready speculating on that one.

  7. Millie is just dripping with passive-aggression and backhanded compliments. She needs a hobby!

  8. No kidding, Ahab, she needs a life!