Thursday, November 17, 2011

It's Ward Cocktail Hour!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Belly up to the bar Abbottsville Fourth!

The holiday season brings countless opportunities to show our non-member friends how hip and cool we really are. And nothing says "hip" better than than a swinging cocktail party! Think a Mormon household's too square to pull one off? Well, then think again, cool cats. You can whip up a groovy clam bake that's every bit as hoppin' as the neighbor's. All you need are a few common household ingredients.

Alcohol Substitutes
whiskey -- Karo Syrup
gin -- clam juice
vodka -- Windex
tequila -- Mountain Dew
rum -- root beer
kahlua -- balsamic vinegar
grenadine -- Kitchen Bouquet
triple sec -- Mr Bubble
schnapps -- dehydrated pear powder**
**The dust that settles at the bottom of your #10 can of dehydrated pear flakes is an excellent cocktail ingredient. It also makes great smoothies.

Use in the following recipes:

White Russian
1 1/2 oz Windex
3/4 oz balsamic vinegar
3/4 oz milk

2 oz Windex
3/4 oz Mr Bubble
1 oz lime juice
1 oz cranberry juice

Sex on the Beach
1 oz Windex
1/2 oz dehydrated pear powder
1 dash Kitchen Bouquet
2 oz orange juice

Long Island Iced Tea
3/4 oz Windex
3/4 oz clam juice
3/4 oz root beer
3/4 oz Mountain Dew
3/4 oz Karo Syrup
3/4 oz Mr Bubble
dash of lemon juice

Rum and Coke
1 part root beer
2 parts root beer

So get shaking, you crazy kids! It's time to show the world how down we really are. Start a Sinatra album spinning, mix up your favorite poison, then saunter into the old cul-de-sac and shout out, "Hey fellow hipsters! Like to join me for a little drinky poo?"

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll bring the party to your house ... you crazy kids.


  1. Ah yes. As with so many other things, the Abottsville Fourth Ward is stuck in the 1950s.

    You know, this could turn out to be an interesting party, just not the way they expect. After several party goers go blind from drinking Windex and have to be rushed to the hospital, it'll be a night no one forgets!

  2. @Ahab, yeah, I've been to some ward potlucks that I'm surprised didn't end up that way.

  3. I needed thid chuckle while taking a little break from work today. I'm still laughing. This is just like those ward cookbooks with the alcohol substitutions in the very front. The page was entitled something like, "Avoiding the Appearance of Evil." LOLOL.

    Of course Mo's wouldn't call it "Cocktail Hour" either. That sounds too worldly. Probably something like "Joyful Hour."

  4. CD -- "Avoiding the Appearance of Evil" (snort) I love how much they crave that appearance though. And for the next year they can kick up their heels, as church PR does it's darndest to get Mitt elected -- rumor is it isn't even the last days...

  5. I've only had the rum and coke. None of the others.

  6. I think the rum and coke is the safest bet.

  7. You forgot Jell-o shots! A Mormon staple!

    Jell-o made with Windex (teehee)

    And can Mormons have a sex on the beach? The name alone is too suggestive and may induce pleasure in various forms.

  8. Heather, yeah I actually thought of jell-o shots, but went for the sex on the beach instead 'cause I know that Brother Newsome would want to impress the non-members with his "worldliness" and of course, look hip! (snort)

  9. ROFLMAO (I have never left a comment like this, not even on Facebook. Not sure what these letters stand for, but, apparently, it is the mark of highest respect possible.)

  10. Hey Nance, wanna come over for a rum and coke?

  11. Hey jnov, so you're in for a long island iced tea ... right?

  12. As usual, Donna, I need a seatbelt when reading your posts. It's far too easy otherwise to fall out of my chair laughing.

  13. Thanks, Paul. It's the subject matter.