Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Occupy Temple Square Movement Gains Momentum

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness EMERGENCY Update

I interrupt your ward activities with this EMERGENCY Update!! Please read the following alarming article and be prepared to defend your households against the influx of these evil elements into our community.

Utah Lifestyle Magazine
Kristen Pace, Utah Lifestyle Staff Writer

SALT LAKE CITY -- When I joined the energized Occupy Temple Square protest on Sunday, I couldn't help but marvel that it all began less than two weeks ago at a Relief Society Personal Enrichment Night in Woods Cross. Who knew then that Sister Lydia Moss's weepy reaction to her craft project would spawn such a phenomenon.

I found Ms. Moss and her fellow Relief Society Sisters gathered on the square around a placard that read, Our 10% Goes To The Top 1%.

"When I looked down at my assigned project, I was overcome with profound sadness," said Moss. "Then the sadness turned to fear. Fear that my entire life might be defined by the sickening craft in front of me. Then my fear turned to anger, and I rose up and shouted, "I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A PAPER-MACHE PIG!"

"The mood in the Relief Society room was electric," said Georgina Walsh. "It was like an awakening. We were all crying and hugging." 

"That pig was truly the ugliest thing I've ever seen," said a sister who identified herself as "Bra Strap." 

"Then we had this epiphany," said Moss. "We realized that if we didn't have to pay tithing, we could go to Pottery Barn and buy some really cute things for our houses. That made us question. Why do we pay tithing? Where does all that money go?"

"It sure as shootin' doesn't trickle down to us," remarked Bra Strap. "We've got to clean the ward toilets and invent ways to make our houses attractive using glitter pens and duct tape. Meanwhile the fat cats on Temple Square are building fancy condos and shopping malls." 

Ms. Walsh, known to her friends as a shy and soft-spoken person, became uncharacteristically animated. "I asked my husband Rulon why the church doesn't disclose its finances. He told me because they obviously spend their money on maintaining the buildings and providing services for the church members."

"Didn't Rulon paint the ward cultural hall last week?" Moss asked her.

"Yes and nobody paid him for it," Walsh replied, then her eyes widened. "You know, I don't think my Rulon is very smart."

"So right then we decided to occupy Temple Square," Moss said proudly. "We've been here ever since." 

The movement has grown to the hundreds, and it's no longer just women. Gays and intellectuals have joined in the protest.

A man who called himself  "Queer Sex Fiend," held up a sign that read I'm OUT!  "I don't want to be part of an organization whose sole purpose seems to be keeping me from getting laid," he said, then sighed. "Am I being selfish?" 

Meanwhile, Eugene Spellman PhD, had set up a telescope outside of the yurt he constructed on South Temple. I asked him why he was here and he shot me a sarcastic look. "I came to get a glimpse of Kolob, of course."

Because protesters are not allowed on Temple Square, the crowds were relegated to the heavily guarded perimeters. Nevertheless, some have slipped past LDS Church Security. Most notably, a group of anonymous BYU coeds who disguised themselves as brides, waded into the reflecting pool, stripped off their gowns, and splashed around in nothing but brief bikinis. 

The so-called "Bikini Rebellion" was spearheaded by an anonymous blogger who calls herself  "Jane Mo." In an email exchange, Jane wrote, "At BYU, we can't wear anything that shows our shape, much less reveals any skin. It's not fair that we should have to cover up, especially when we're such total hotties." The increasing number of women who now bare (almost) all has set up camp outside of Bruno's, a popular micro-brewery next to the square. "We're not backing down," Jane continued. "Not even in bad weather. We're too determined. Also, the guys at Bruno's promise they'll keep us warm."

The Occupy Movement has even extended to children. I found 10 year old Melissa Young outside the Eagle Gate dressed in her Spongebob Squarepants costume. "I wanted to be Spongebob for Halloween, but my stake president said no transgender costumes," she whined, then stamped her foot. "It was the last straw." Six year old Billy Marks stood at her side. He held up a sign that read, Why Can't I Be "Just a Kitty?"

At presstime, the Movement continues to multiply its ranks. In response the LDS Church General Relief Society Presidency has issued the following statement: 

"The Occupy Temple Square Movement may attempt to entertain for an evening or two, but a paper mache pig can bring a lifetime of enjoyment."

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you some glitter pens and a roll of duct tape.


  1. :: stuffs a change of clothes and some instant coffee into a backpack ::

    When does the next flight to Temple Square leave?

  2. Oh my god! I'm snorting and laughing. I think you're gonna start something Donna. And if Ahab is showing up, I am definitely going to be there!!! It will be the first time I've ever been to Temple Square and actually enjoyed myself. : D

  3. Awesome, CD, you, me, and Ahab can come up with our own unique method of protest. Only no skimpy bathing suits -- at least not for me!

  4. Sounds like an eclectic bunch. I'm in. Down with papier mache, opiate of the masses!

  5. @Nance, "opiate of the masses" -- too funny! But also close to the truth. Jello seems to be a drug of choice as well. Also glue guns.

  6. Count me in! I'll be wearing just a burka and a thong.

  7. Awesome, JZ! Hope you'll hang with me, CD, and Ahab.