Subject: Ward Preparedness EMERGENCY Update
I interrupt your ward activities with this EMERGENCY Update!! Please read the following alarming article and be prepared to defend your households against the influx of these evil elements into our community.
I found Ms. Moss and her fellow Relief Society Sisters gathered on the square around a placard that read, Our 10% Goes To The Top 1%.
"So right then we decided to occupy Temple Square," Moss said proudly. "We've been here ever since."
The movement has grown to the hundreds, and it's no longer just women. Gays and intellectuals have joined in the protest.
A man who called himself "Queer Sex Fiend," held up a sign that read I'm OUT! "I don't want to be part of an organization whose sole purpose seems to be keeping me from getting laid," he said, then sighed. "Am I being selfish?"
Meanwhile, Eugene Spellman PhD, had set up a telescope outside of the yurt he constructed on South Temple. I asked him why he was here and he shot me a sarcastic look. "I came to get a glimpse of Kolob, of course."
Because protesters are not allowed on Temple Square, the crowds were relegated to the heavily guarded perimeters. Nevertheless, some have slipped past LDS Church Security. Most notably, a group of anonymous BYU coeds who disguised themselves as brides, waded into the reflecting pool, stripped off their gowns, and splashed around in nothing but brief bikinis.
The so-called "Bikini Rebellion" was spearheaded by an anonymous blogger who calls herself "Jane Mo." In an email exchange, Jane wrote, "At BYU, we can't wear anything that shows our shape, much less reveals any skin. It's not fair that we should have to cover up, especially when we're such total hotties." The increasing number of women who now bare (almost) all has set up camp outside of Bruno's, a popular micro-brewery next to the square. "We're not backing down," Jane continued. "Not even in bad weather. We're too determined. Also, the guys at Bruno's promise they'll keep us warm."
The Occupy Movement has even extended to children. I found 10 year old Melissa Young outside the Eagle Gate dressed in her Spongebob Squarepants costume. "I wanted to be Spongebob for Halloween, but my stake president said no transgender costumes," she whined, then stamped her foot. "It was the last straw." Six year old Billy Marks stood at her side. He held up a sign that read, Why Can't I Be "Just a Kitty?"
At presstime, the Movement continues to multiply its ranks. In response the LDS Church General Relief Society Presidency has issued the following statement: